Here's the thing.

I know I can have another baby—at least, I'm pretty sure—but right now I don't want another baby. I want the one I had. I saw that baby on the ultrasound, and I liked that baby. That baby was MINE. I spent hours staring at the print-out of what essentially was a gummy bear, and cooing over it. I decided it was some kind of genius baby. In the picture we have, it's kind of sticking its arms out, like it's waving hello at us. Genius! Clearly! Having people tell me that it's for the best, that I'll have another, that what I'm going through right now is all hormones, does not address the difficulty I'm having with the whole idea of THIS baby being gone. Indeed, it seems to imply that the baby wasn't real or meaningful to me. Having someone define the words I wrote in the throes of all this as "good thing it died, because it might have been disabled" makes me want to tear that person's throat out. No. I lost my baby, and it was a good baby, and it was the one I wanted. I realize I never met it, and that I'm not making any rational kind of sense. I realize said baby might have been a genetically nonviable scramble of material. But only I can say that. As for you, you badmouth my baby and I will kick you in the teeth.

I'm a little angry, these days.

Comments

[jc]

I know exactly how you feel...when I miscarried at 8 weeks, I was just so sad that I wouldn't get to see what the baby looked like and its little personality and all the potential things s/he would do and experience in this world.

[HouseofJules]

It's infuriating how often people say really stupid things in times like this. Hang in there, Alice. I'm so sorry for what you & Scott are going through.JulesHouse of Jules

[Valerie]

You are not being irrational. Loss is loss, and there is no right or wrong way to deal with it. And how dare people blame your grief on hormones.

I'll kick them in the teeth for you.

[Lena]

You have every right to be angry, and every right to express yourself how you feel. If what you write, with respect to the pathology, causes someone else pain, then that's on them. It's not like you were intentionally causing them pain, so no need to apologize.

Be angry, you have every right to be - express yourself and get this anger out of your system. And if you'd like help ripping someone's throat out or kicking them in the teeth - I'll hold 'em for you :)

[Carolyn]

I've never gone through this myself, but your feelings and your anger seem, at least to me, perfectly justified.

I'm so, so, sorry that you lost your baby. I hope you find some peace soon.

[grudge girl]

I had EXACTLY this experience in September. God. I'm mad for you! And with you.

Feel what you need to feel, not that you need anyone's permission or validation. I will tell you, in the hopes that shared experience will be valuable to you when the anger subsides a tad, that I still have the ultrasound pictures as well, and I also have the damn pee stick tester thing hidden in my bedside table drawer and not even my husband knows this, but it's because that damn pee stick has something physical on it that came from that baby, and I can't throw it away.

And this is even though I am now pregnant again and due August 11th, having waited the requisite 2 months and conceived immmediately. It's awesome and good and happy and a relief and all that, but I still miss the one that wasn't, and I still have my secret pee stick that I will never ever throw away.

Whatever works for you, Alice. I'll be sending good mojo your way.

[Kriss]

I can't believe that people have the audacity to take your grief and twist it into something so hateful and ugly.

I'm sorry, Alice, for the loss of your baby. You did get to meet your little one via your ultrasound, and I know s/he was a tiny bit of wonderful.

Again, I'm sorry.

[Mitzi]

I'm with you. I'm so sick of having to censor everything I say in fear of hurting someone else's feelings when in truth I'm only trying to express MY own. I get you 100%. I know you were just expressing what your thoughts were, not meaning harm to anyone else. Lighten up, people.

[jen]

I'm so sorry too, you're a brave girl and it's ok to feel however you feel for as long as you feel it.

[ohsweetjeebus]

People don't know what to say in these situations. So they say things that even in spite of best intentions, are idiotic. Last night I was discussing my disabled cousin with my aunt and she mentioned that she can't stand when people meet Jackie and rhetorically state "oh but you wouldn't change a thing, would you?"

Our response is usually "hell yes I would, she's helpless in this situation. Yes, generally she's a happy baby. But she also suffers incredibly, when this body of hers shuts down. I would change that." Feeling this way doesn't imply that we don't love her as she is, only that if we had a vote things would look differently than they do.

All this is to say, you're allowed to wish that the outcome was different. And you're allow to grieve, in whatever way feels necessary. Don't let anyone tell you differently.

[Amy E.]

De-lurking to say, I'm so sorry. People say the wrong things at these times, not knowing how to just acknowledge and allow grief. How you're feeling seems perfectly normal to me, just not often talked about. You are doing wonderfully and lots of people are sending good vibes your way.

[jck]

I was angry, too. I was particularly angry at people who thought I didn't have any reason to be angry. I think, perhaps, I'm still angry at those people.

Honestly, it took a very long time to come to terms with my miscarriages. Now, years later, I can see the bigger picture, what was happening and what was going to happen. But I still lost my babies, and I still miss them.

[FishyGirl]

People can be such asshats. You have every right be angry. All of those things that you wrote are things that people tend to say when they don't have any idea what else to say. Our society doesn't handle grief or loss well at all, and most people can't handle being in the presence of someone who has gone through a terrible loss and THEY CAN'T FIX IT. It is in our nature to want to offer solace, and few people know how. I'm sorry you are in the situation of having to deal with that.

Most of all, I am sorry that you lost your baby. I hope that time and care bring you some form of peace. I hope that knowing that there are hundreds if not thousands of us out here on the internets who only know what you choose to show us through your writing but love what we see who love you and wish you comfort in your sorrow.

[Mar]

I was angry for you when I saw your "clarification". I am so sorry you had to field that condemnation. I fell in love at the ultrasound too -- it's completely overwhelming. My thoughts are with you.

[Jen]

I fell completely in love with my first one as soon as it existed. Even before, actually. No matter how many other children I have, I will always be one short.

[Dirkey]

So sorry for your loss.You are and always will be that baby's mama, you have every right to grieve in whatever way you see fit.Wishing you the softest of snuggly blankets, a good movie or book and maybe a nice hot chocolate and bailey's for today (can you tell its chilly and thunderstormy in S.J.)

[Trish]

It's amazing how people so often fail to use just a little bit of empathy when they are responding to someone who is going through what you are. I think that, much of the time, people Just Don't Think, and say the first stupid-ass thing that comes out of their mouths (yeh, I know I'm being harsh - I had enough dumbass comments tossed my way when I had my miscarriage a few years ago, one even by the ER nurse who said "I'm sure it's all for the best" - I really wanted to kill her at that moment).

Why, why, why can't people simply stick with, "I'm so, so sorry for your loss"? I don't know why that's so hard.

Alice, of course this is a loss just as profound as any other. Grieve it as you would any other, and ignore all those morons who imply (or say outright) that just because this baby wasn't brought to term, it's not a "real" baby (and no, that's not a political statement, I'm all for our right to choose - I'm simply talking about personal feelings, and Alice's own experience of her baby). This was a real baby, it was your baby, and it will take time to process this loss.

Sometimes, the only way out is through. I'm so, so sorry, sweetie.

[Becca]

I read you more as saying 'if this baby was never going to live, then better to miscarry now than at 14, 19, 25 weeks...' - and to me that is perfectly logical. No value judgement about disability there.

You loved that baby and that kind of love is not conditional upon quantity or quality of limbs, organs, intellect etc.

I wish you fast healing.

[whoorl]

I just want to give you a huge, borderline awkward hug. That's it.

[Beth]

You write and feel whatever it is you need to. Nobody can or should tell you how to get through this personal tragedy. I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

[Karen]

The last thing you need is for judgmental, word-twisting jerks to take your pain and heartfelt words and contort them into a soapbox for them. To the people who accused you of saying something you didn't, SHAME on them. And SHAME on those who think you are being irrational - your baby was not just a bundle of cells. It was a life inside you and made of love. You have every right to mourn your baby and what could have been.

I also wish you peace, and the continued love and support from your family, friends, and your devoted readers here (you definitely have it coming from me!)

[Nicole]

It's sad how people interpret YOUR feelings for you. You feel what you need to, you write it how you see fit, and you kick them in the teeth when you deem it necessary. There's a whole line of people out here who are willing to kick them for you if you can't. I'm hoping that someday, you find peace over this. But for now, I'm so sorry for your loss.

*kicks someone in the teeth*

[Jen]

I understand your anger all too well. It's your right. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[LizPres]

I lost my baby much earlier than you -- never saw it wave, or snuggled its sweet picture -- but I still talk about little Emily/Max and what might have been. It does get better, but you don't forget your baby.

[DimKnit]

I'm sorry, Ms. Finslippy. I read your post as someone who was grieving terribly. Amazing how someone picked apart your sad words and felt it necessary to then talk to you about it.

I hope you will get to the point where it won't hurt so badly. So sorry.