Here's the thing.

I know I can have another baby—at least, I'm pretty sure—but right now I don't want another baby. I want the one I had. I saw that baby on the ultrasound, and I liked that baby. That baby was MINE. I spent hours staring at the print-out of what essentially was a gummy bear, and cooing over it. I decided it was some kind of genius baby. In the picture we have, it's kind of sticking its arms out, like it's waving hello at us. Genius! Clearly! Having people tell me that it's for the best, that I'll have another, that what I'm going through right now is all hormones, does not address the difficulty I'm having with the whole idea of THIS baby being gone. Indeed, it seems to imply that the baby wasn't real or meaningful to me. Having someone define the words I wrote in the throes of all this as "good thing it died, because it might have been disabled" makes me want to tear that person's throat out. No. I lost my baby, and it was a good baby, and it was the one I wanted. I realize I never met it, and that I'm not making any rational kind of sense. I realize said baby might have been a genetically nonviable scramble of material. But only I can say that. As for you, you badmouth my baby and I will kick you in the teeth.

I'm a little angry, these days.

Comments

[fifi]

I'm sorry.

[Kira]

Angry seems reasonable.

[Lisa]

You have every right to have any emotion. I still say you are so brave and honest...hang in there....

[jana]

Dude, I totally understand. I just found out I'm (unexpectedly) pregnant. The timing is frankly terrible, and when I found out on Saturday I was quite upset and worried. Now, here it is, not even five days later, and I have become totally attached to this barely formed little baby.

You are allowed to mourn this baby, this little person you had become attached to. That's okay.

[punchanella]

:( you're making perfect sense.

you know, thanks for sharing this with us... that's hard enough. i'm sure you're helping countless women going through the same thing feel like they're not the only one...

besides, even if you were saying what they assumed you were saying... tough shit, because you're entitled to your true and honest feelings while you're feeling them.

[punchanella]

:( you're making perfect sense.

you know, thanks for sharing this with us... that's hard enough. i'm sure you're helping countless women going through the same thing feel like they're not the only one...

besides, even if you were saying what they assumed you were saying... tough shit, because you're entitled to your true and honest feelings while you're feeling them.

[little Bird]

You are sounding perfectly rational. Be as angry as you feel. I'm so sorry.

[Deb]

oh Alice....i am so so sorry....all the mama's who have been there get this so much.Last time I was at a Birthingway Ceremony we wrapped our wrists with red thread to represent all our children and the women next me very clearly wrapped it twice, stopped and then twice more. She explained as we cut the string who they all were and two were miscarried at different times but were definatively her children exactly as her two there with her were.

I hope that isn't too earthy birthy for you, yes I am one of those.....be kind, don't make too much fun of me ;)

[sveedish]

You want me to go kick their ass? 'Cause I will. I will go over there and crack some skulls for upsetting our sweet Alice. And then I will come back here and give you a great big Internet hug. Because hugs are good.

[dianne]

How dare anyone judge your feelings, emotions, actions, reactions, thoughts, words, cries, guttural whimpers, screams, silent screams or any other attendant ... whatever ... in connection with this ... or anything. It's yours.

If I meet them first, they won't have any teeth left for you to kick.

[edj]

You are grieving your loss. You SHOULD be.

I'm so sorry.

[STE]

I'm right there with you. Angry and everything else.

And I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Monica in Cali]

I love the word asshat as well.

Loved your Star Wars essay in Wondertime.

I am also awkwardly cyber hugging you right at this moment.

xoxoxo.

[ozma]

Yeah, my baby was due about a week ago. The baby I didn't have. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't stop crying the last two weeks. It did not seem rational. I never even saw the baby on the ultrasound. I know it wasn't viable. But I wanted that baby I didn't see.

After another loss, I'm trying to get up the nerve to try again. Because I also went nuts after these from hormones maybe. Maybe just from loss. So I think that is also daunting. Usually, we don't willingly do things that make us nuts. But I'm trying next month. (This month, I overdid on caffeine and I'm just that paranoid right now.)

I'm so sorry for your loss. This might just be the kind of situation where crazy is normal.

I guess one thing that made it harder is that I never felt very entitled to complain about it. I think I had the reaction from people that it was no big deal at all to lose two--even from women with losses. So in a way, you are helping me a bit since I do think I tried to evade grieving and that cowardice is biting me back at the moment because of the due date. I hope you will give yourself time to get angry and grieve and be sad. It's a huge loss and I think there might be no way to avoid facing that at one point or another.

[Naomi]

Yup. I dig.

(13 weeks, 3 days, 6/18/2003.)

Don't let anyone else tell you how to feel.

[Dee]

You have every right to be angry - it's part of grieving. Anyone who tries to negate or minimize your grief is an idiot and you should ignore them.

My kids are adopted so I haven't been through your pain. My parents miscarried a baby before I was born, and the first thing my father said after he was diagnosed with cancer [38 years later] was "When I get to heaven I can finally see my son." It makes me cry just typing that.

Hang in there, Sweetie!!! Sending hugs and prayers from Atlanta -Dee

[Hallie]

First time ever reading your blog but wanted to tell you(although I haven't yet had a chance to back read to get a full pic of your life) I love your personality already.

Anyone that says Badmouth my baby and I'll kick you in the teeth, is someone I adore immediately.

I know I don't yet know what you have been through, but I wanted to say I am very sorry for your loss. Sounds like that baby would have been very lucky to get you as a mommy.

Halliehttp://wonderfulworldofweiners.blogspot.com/

[Emily]

I can't remember if I commented before, so let me be sure I comment now. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'll personally be part of your squadron of ass-kicking bitches who attack the insensitive jerks of the world. Or anyone you want.

[Ani]

Grieve, honey, it is normal and healthy and all the stages of grief will tumble-jumble together.

Anger, despair, denial...yup, all of them.

And then one day it will get a little easier. Not easy, mind you, not forgotten, not "over", just...easier.

You will come through this. And when you are ready, if you are ever ready, to try again, you will know. Trust yourself.

[Julie]

I had two miscarriages and never told a soul (other than my husband). Everyone says you have to talk, be open, etc. But I'm a Midwesterner who never felt comfortable sharing -- and knew deep down that people aren't that helpful.

My thing is: you get to do what is right for you and you don't need to explain it to anyone.

[Linda]

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you. May you find healing in this grieving process.

[Nancy]

Dear Alice, I'm very sorry to hear about the baby.The same thing happened to me, and it's very hard for anyone who hasn't been through it to really understand. I have a happy,healthy five year-old son, Iain, and about 2 years ago now, we decided to try for another one (at the age of 40, so I think it was my biological clock ticking loudly). In just 2 months, I became pregnant, and I was overjoyed, since I realized it was less likely to happen at my age. They set my first ultrasound at 10 weeks, a bit late I thought, but that was when they could schedule me. The night before the ultrasound, I started suffering a terrible migraine, like nothing I'd ever known before. Then about 4 am, I started spotting. We all drove over to the hospital...at first the doctor wasn't too concerned, because it was just a little spotting, but I felt something was just wrong. Sadly, when they did the ultrasound, there was no heartbeat, and the development had stopped at 8 weeks, what they call a "missed miscarriage". I felt so terrible, almost more than anything because I had already told Iain he was going to have a brother or sister, and then I had to tell him the baby had died. A year later I became pregnant again, and my little boy summed up what I was feeling perfectly. He said "I hope this one grows into a real baby, but I miss the other one that didn't make it too. It just brought tears to my eyes all over again. Well, that was the most fearful, paranoid 9 months of my life, but I'm happy to say I now have a second happy, healthy child, a 7 month old boy called Henry (after his great uncle)It did make me feel better, but I still wonder what my little lost one would have been like.

[Robin in San Jose]

Reading all of the posts that have come before this one has made me realize just how differently everyone deals with miscarriage when it happens to them. I was able to stuff all that pain down once I carried my fourth pregnancy to term, and it hasn't really surfaced again, and instead has taken the form of the ability to totally understand what another woman is going through when it happens to her. Would I try for a third child? Nope. Couldn't deal with the possibility of feeling that yawning chasm of emptiness that was my uterus after both miscarriages. That and the endless search for some way to persuade fate to allow me a do-over.

Miscarriage is so hard to wrap your brain around. It's so sudden and the outcome of your pregnancy just takes such an abrupt, unexpected hairpin turn. It doesn't ache and hurt in my soul the way it did 10 years ago, and I think the reason for that is that is that I too assimilated the notion that the children that I wasn't able to bring into this world are alive in Garrett. Maybe that's why he's got so many facets to his wild little monkey personality!

Bless all you wonderful, strong women for sharing your feelings. Females have it tough, but man we ROCK!

[Velma]

I'm so sorry about all of this. All the asshattery on top of your loss and grief is just more than anyone should have to deal with.

[lulu]

I've read your blog from the beginning. Never commented.

Having had 2 miscarriages and 1 wonderful ectopic pregnancy that has deprived me of my right tube, let me just say ...

I'm so sorry.