Here's the thing.

I know I can have another baby—at least, I'm pretty sure—but right now I don't want another baby. I want the one I had. I saw that baby on the ultrasound, and I liked that baby. That baby was MINE. I spent hours staring at the print-out of what essentially was a gummy bear, and cooing over it. I decided it was some kind of genius baby. In the picture we have, it's kind of sticking its arms out, like it's waving hello at us. Genius! Clearly! Having people tell me that it's for the best, that I'll have another, that what I'm going through right now is all hormones, does not address the difficulty I'm having with the whole idea of THIS baby being gone. Indeed, it seems to imply that the baby wasn't real or meaningful to me. Having someone define the words I wrote in the throes of all this as "good thing it died, because it might have been disabled" makes me want to tear that person's throat out. No. I lost my baby, and it was a good baby, and it was the one I wanted. I realize I never met it, and that I'm not making any rational kind of sense. I realize said baby might have been a genetically nonviable scramble of material. But only I can say that. As for you, you badmouth my baby and I will kick you in the teeth.

I'm a little angry, these days.

Comments

[mindy]

Your heartache will most likely never 'heal' and you will always wonder about this little one. Your hearts were so close. And my prayers are for your comfort. Alice, I've just happened upon your blog tonight...you know, of course, (I know you know) that you're angry (furious) because your heart aches so. But you know too, I'm sure, that people bumble...they say what they've heard said before, thinking that it works. They don't know WHAT to say. They're inept. They are well intentioned, never realizing the impact of words. At one time or another, we're all guilty. Peace to you dearheart.

[Janine]

I've never been through the loss of a baby, but sister has - twice. Now she has twins, so I guess that's someone's way of making it up to her.

I remember when I was about 4 or 5 months pregnant with my son, I would think over and over about what type of person he was going to be, what he would look like, and how much I wanted to meet him.

Now I think what if something happens to him and I lose him, and it wasn't enough time, not enough time....It's never enough time. And he's only 15 months old.

So while I haven't been through your experience, on some level I can understand the need to know the person you created. It's a very special thing, and I'm feel badly that you've gone through it - as a mom to a mom.

[Tamara ModernGear TV]

I am in the throes of the rollercoaster of recovery after a stillbirth 9 weeks ago. A friend recently told me that I was a mom, I just didn't get the prize at the end. Regardless of how far along in the pregnancy the loss occurs, we cared for those little lives with tender love and as you know, it wasn't the IDEA of baby we fell in love with, it was this person, this little life, this unique individual. Just as the next baby, should there be a next baby, will never replace the one we lost.

I wish you the very best. Have you been to glowinthewoods.com yet? You should visit. I find peace in the shared experiences.

[emmy]

i wanted to tell you how sorry i am for you... my aunt lost twins late in her pregnancy, and it's a hard thing to live through.

sending you hugs, snuggles, and lots of love.

[mama k]

I can SO relate! The "science" lessons from people have been the worst. The way you put it was just so perfect.

Your baby will always be your baby. From the moment of conception you had a special bond with that little life. And that's what that baby was, a human life. So you've every right to mourn that life even if no one else "gets" it.

[Jennifer]

I just wanted to write and tell you thank you. I just found your site by going through dooce/que sera and I lost my daughter in January. I was 31 weeks pregnant and I totally get what you say when people say you can have another baby. My girl had a heart defect. We knew that going in but I never knew there was a chance that she just wouldn't make it. It's six months later and after an army of doctors and therapists and more medication than a drugstore at least I am alive. I can't clean my house. My husband is on his wits end. Thanks for putting your stuff out there, it makes me feel a little less crazy.

[Katherine]

Listen, I know you're getting a lot of "I know how you feel" and also unsolicited medical advice, and I wish I could say I'd be different, but nope, more of the same.

I just wanted to let you know I had a baby who stopped growing at 6 weeks and I carried him/her till 14 weeks back in 2005. Didn't know anything till I started spotting, emergency room, D&C, the works, and boom, you're supposed to be back to normal, minor medical inconvenience. Then I had our daughter in April, she had hydranencephaly. We think the miscarriage of our first baby may have also been caused by the undiagnosed thrombophilia which caused my my daughter's hydranencephaly. So it might be something you want to have checked, it's just a rather large blood test, and if you know you've got it it can be apparently managed easily should you become pregnant again. Which of course is something that's hard to think about right now.

Don't know what to tell you about the other well-meaning idiots like me who say things like "You can have another one" or the hundred and one other cliched, logorrhea filled, ridiculous proverbs and sayings. Just, it's going to keep happening, and sometimes sarcastic responses are extremely satisfying and sometimes you have to bite your tongue.

Hang in there, it's all you can do for a while.