Here's the thing.
May 12, 2008I know I can have another baby—at least, I'm pretty sure—but right now I don't want another baby. I want the one I had. I saw that baby on the ultrasound, and I liked that baby. That baby was MINE. I spent hours staring at the print-out of what essentially was a gummy bear, and cooing over it. I decided it was some kind of genius baby. In the picture we have, it's kind of sticking its arms out, like it's waving hello at us. Genius! Clearly! Having people tell me that it's for the best, that I'll have another, that what I'm going through right now is all hormones, does not address the difficulty I'm having with the whole idea of THIS baby being gone. Indeed, it seems to imply that the baby wasn't real or meaningful to me. Having someone define the words I wrote in the throes of all this as "good thing it died, because it might have been disabled" makes me want to tear that person's throat out. No. I lost my baby, and it was a good baby, and it was the one I wanted. I realize I never met it, and that I'm not making any rational kind of sense. I realize said baby might have been a genetically nonviable scramble of material. But only I can say that. As for you, you badmouth my baby and I will kick you in the teeth.
I'm a little angry, these days.
Reader Comments (307)
So I can see how this would be rather devastating. I am so sorry.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I went to a really reserved funeral for a close family member this weekend and was reminded how important it is to let yourself grieve. That you share your grief with us is a gift, and I hope it brings you more comfort than heartache.
I say you get to be very angry and quite irrational for a while. Those of us who've been through it know only too well how you feel. Ignore those who'd minimize and invalidate your reactions. You'll be ready to rationalize and put it all in perspective in due time. But first you need to mourn and those who don't understand can just piss off!
Testy? Moi?
I remember when it happened to me many years ago. My own mother said something to the effect of ..."if you even were pregnant" and I lost it! Ouch! I chalk it up to the fact that some people have thicker skin (some would call it impenetrable ) than others.
Be it magical, mystical or spiritual....it was not meant to be. We all grieve at our own pace.
Be well, and take your time to go through your own process.
www.swirlgirlspearls.blogspot.com
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I, too, just miscarried pretty early, and one of the only friends I told said, "Well, now you can have one that you want." I'm sure she meant well, but people say dumb shit and it hurts, no matter what the intentions.
Grief is different for each person, and it seems that most of your readers get that. Just stick voodoo pins in the ones who don't.
Try not to listen to those that are reading into what you are saying. You have every right to be hurt and be able to vent.
I know that nothing anyone says at this point will make it "all better", but know that many people including myself are thinking about you...and crying with you. It is painful to know anyone miscarries...even complete strangers.
Regarding your Clarification, I didn't take what you originally wrote that way. Trolls suck.
My thoughts are with you.
1) I don't think anyone else has the right to tell you how you should feel about this kind of thing. My feelings about my miscarriage are different from someone else's feelings about theirs and yours are yours, and so on. There is no right way to grieve, and it always bothers me when people suggest otherwise. It's like saying there's a right way to parent. If there were, everyone would do it and we'd all be happy and perfect and there would be no grieving at all, because there would be a magic pill.
2) I thought your last post was one of the classiest things you've ever done. I didn't see the likely insane comments that led to it, but regardless, you handled it so beautifully I was ... well, I'd say proud, but that's condescending. How about 'very impressed'? You acknowledged what was probably absurd misunderstanding (mixed with Internet anger) with respect and class and without a drop of defensiveness. I'm not sure I could have done the same, though your response was absolutely the right one. You have my utmost respect for that. Truly.
I wish you the best in your journey. May we all move through it so gracefully.
"Asshat Fucktard" is a way better descriptor for stupid people.
Of course you miss your baby. I still miss the baby I lost in 1995. That's how it works, this being human thing, I think.
I'm trying to imagine just how grossly offensive a thing someone would have to say in the course of revealing a recent loss in order for me to think it was appropriate to bitch him/her out about it. Pretty goddamn offensive, I think.
Big hugs.