Hi, I'm panicky.
August 21, 2007What's with me? With the not-posting? I have no excuses. Actually I have an entire rucksack full of them, but I will spare you.
First of all, I have been terribly remiss regarding informing you of my Wonderland posts. New posts here and here. Also, there's also an interview with me in the videos, under "Keyboard Confidential" (which I would link to if I could figure out how), in which I murmur and look an awful lot like my late Irish grandmother. All I need is a Manhattan and wispy blue hair, and I could scare the shit out of my father.
Now marvel as I abruptly change the subject. Aaaaand… go!
I've always lacked confidence regarding my ability to move through space. There was the Bike-Learning Failure of '73-'78, the Roller Skating Catastrophe of '79, the Uneven Bars Horror of '83. And then there was driving. I never had the slightest interest in driving, except inasmuch as it could get you places, and I liked places. I had never even sat in a driver's seat, when I found myself in just such a seat, my foot on the pedal, in a driver's ed car, careening down Main Street. I don't remember much from driver's ed, but I do recall a lot of screaming, most of it not coming out of my own mouth. I may have hit a few things. Not surprisingly, I failed. I took Driver's Ed all over again. I passed, but barely. I failed the driver's test. I figured that this was a sign that I should be chaffeured everywhere, but my parents made me take it again. I passed, but just slightly.
Then I moved away, away from the Land Where Everyone Drove, and that was that for twenty years. For twenty years I haven't had to drive. I think I drove a few times in college, when my a cappella group (don't laugh) went on tour. There was a familiar screaming sound, when I did that. My fellow a cappella mates stopped asking me to drive. I moved to the city, where no one had cars. I was all set.
But then I moved here. Figuring I would get used to driving, I moved to this place. And I did, mostly. I was a little sweaty-palmed for the first couple of months, but now I can get around town without a problem. Then I tried to drive on the highway.
And I completely freaked out.
Without going into too much detail about it because reliving it makes me want to die, here was how much I was freaking out: my vision tunneled. I was fairly certain that I was going to throw up on myself. I lost all feeling in my arms. My hands were sweating so badly that they were slipping off the steering wheel. My hearing went all funny. Then I started crying, which, in addition to the tunnel vision, made it awfully hard to see. I got off at the nearest exit.
I was probably on the highway for ten or fifteen minutes. That was one year ago.
I know what you're going to say. I can hear you saying it. Highway driving is scary, you're saying. You have to keep on trying! It's a skill! You'll get better! Do you always use all those exclamation points, when you're talking?
What we have here is not a lack of confidence—well, okay, it IS a lack of confidence, but also it is a fear that grips so tightly to me that I can no longer reason. I've tried driving on the highway a couple of times since then. I've tried to work through it. I did some cognitive behavioral therapy, I learned about dealing with panic and breathing the right way and I tried talking myself through the panic, blar de blar, and I am here to tell you that I cannot. I don't want to sound defeatist, here, but all the talking to myself and breathing just makes me calm enough that I don't run off the road and run screaming from the car. I can manage it, but I still get the numbness and the tunnel vision and the nausea—and the sweating, don't forget the sweating!—and I feel absolutely dreadful.
I tried going on the Garden State Parkway last week. My panic was so intense that I was nauseated for days afterward. It was like I had been poisoned. Why would I put myself through that again? Except, you know, for all the really smart reasons, like I need to get around and do things and be independent and GOD SHUT UP WITH YOUR REASONABLE ATTITUDE.
I'm sorry, baby, I didn't mean it. It's the fear, is all. It's got ahold of me.
All of this is leading up to one question, which is: what do you think of hypnosis? Anyone? Anyone?
Reader Comments (95)
I vote for anti-anxiety meds like Klonopin (low dose!), short-term, to get you off the adrenaline misery while you start to do any or all of the above.
I'll be using my past training tomorrow for my own personal panic-invoking situation - the annual gyn exam. It's horrible to be completely terrified of something other people can do without blinking.
The funny part is that, consciously at least, I am not frightened of dying in a firey crash. Oh no, I am afraid that I will bang into other cars in an unfixable cosmetic way and then their drivers will be MAD AT ME. Or even worse, that I will take too long making decisions (like whether to turn etc), similarly getting people mad at me. Oh what a paralyzing fear, apparently.
I just hope that my subconscious has much better reasons than that for preventing my driving.
Am I the only person ever who took to driving on motorways easier than driving in towns? On motorways everyone's going the same way, you only have to watch out for people changing lanes unexpectedly and your exit, there's nothing else there. In towns, there's so much more to look out for like pedestrians and traffic lights and sudden one-way systems and entire primary schools crossing the road and I don't know, everything. Anything could happen. I reckon you're underestimating the hardwon skills you have already and use all the time in town. The highway is actually much simpler, just faster moving. I admit I've never driven in the US so it might be that driving in towns is mysteriously way easier than over here. In which case I apologise for talking out of my arse.
Good luck!
Good luck with this. I know it's not easy. I have a 33 yo hubby who has never had a license, same reasons. I think if you try the hypnotist way and it works for you, I'm sending Hubby. I'm tired of being chauffer.
Several people I know have had problems driving on motorways and have been helped by taking a couple of extra driving lessons, sometimes decades after getting their license.
As a learner-driver, you're not allowed to drive on motorways until you pass your test, so a lot of people freak out when they finally find themselves driving on multiple lanes at higher speeds.
What about having some hypnotherapy in conjunction with some supervised, specific coaching from an expert instructor?
If driving schools works the same way over there as they do here, you could call an instructor and she/he could possibly even recommend a local hypnotherapist who has helped their previous clients, as well as being pretty experienced with dealing with people in your exact same situation.(Obviously, if things work totally differently over there, then I apologise for the totally redundant information.)
As for hypnosis itself (and as a sceptic), I found it worked the first time, but not the second. For me, the key is:a) be fairly certain it could work (so find someone who has clearly been helped by it), andb) find a therapist who isn't going to spout ancillary nonsense you won't believe in, (preferably recommended to you by someone with similar beliefs to your own).
Best of luck, Alice.
Well! I'm here to tell you that the automobile is a ridiculous method of transportation. Why on earth do I need to be in charge of that much machinery? Ever? Which doesn't help your immediate problem, I know. Hypnosis might well work. But *you're* the sane one, trying to fit into a slightly insane paradigm.
Hynotherapy helped my mom quit smoking, go for it.
I have a new phobia now - I get to try to teach Child 1 to drive!
Then this summer, I had to drive myself (in my brother's car) to northern New Jersey from DC and back for my grandparents' 60th anniversary. I very nearly couldn't do it - at the last second my extended family was offering to come to Newark if I flew/train/took the bus.
But I did it - after talking to a very kind friend several times - because I was worried if I didn't that would be it. I'd never go anywhere long distance in a car again.
So - I left at a ridiculously early hour, listened to books on tape, stopped as much as I needed to, and got there and back in one piece.
I still hate it, and it makes me anxious, but now I know I can do it, which makes the fear seem like I could wrestle it and pin it down occasionally.
Meanwhile, I can continue to walk to work!
As for the hypno - go for it if you think it might help!
http://www.julieflanders.com/healing/
Seriously, though. If you think hypnosis will help, it generally will. Give it a shot.
The hypnosis is a good idea but as well as being calm, you need to gain confidence in your ability to handle the car, and that's what this will do for you. Please, do check it out.
MY G-D, I love to drive and I despise the GSP. The lanes are so narrow, it turns a ton, and every driver is on a cell phone while drinking coffee, text-messaging, and doing a trial run for the Indy 500. It is one scary, scary road. I am a fast driver. I am a great driver. I like road trips. But my advice to you is AVOID THE GSP at all costs. There are other ways to get wherever you are going. Trust me.