How many neurotics does it take to make a fire?

Alice: Hey, why don't we make a fire?

Scott: Why would we do that?

Alice: Because fires are nice.

Scott: I was going to work…

Alice: You could work right here, right by the fire.

Scott: eyes Alice with suspicion.

Alice: Okay, if you don't want to—

Scott: No, let's do it. Okay.

He goes to retrieve the logs and kindling, because Alice is a princess who does not wish to dirty her princess hands.

Scott: I should have cleaned out the fireplace, it's filled with ash.

Alice: Don't forget to open the flue.

Scott: Can you get the newspaper sections we don't read?

Alice: Business and Sports, coming up.

There is crumpling.

Alice: These pages have colored ink on them. Are you supposed to burn colored ink? Isn't that like a carcinogen or something?

Scott: It's fine.

Alice: And you opened the flue?

Scott sighs.

Finally, there is something like a fire.

5 seconds later…

Scott: What did you do with the carbon monoxide detector?

Alice: It's in the basement, somewhere.

Scott: You took it out and I saw it down there, I saw it and I thought, that's a weird place for it to be but I didn't get it, and now I can't remember where it is, and we're probably going to poison ourselves.

Alice: There's one upstairs. That's enough, right? Do we need one down here, too?

Scott heads down to the basement.

He returns with no carbon monoxide detector. Meanwhile, the fire is almost out.

Scott: The fire's almost out.

Alice: I know, but see how there's that little bit in the back? I thought maybe if I left it alone it would come back.

Scott, sighing, restarts the fire and returns to the couch.

12 seconds later…

Scott: Are you feeling light-headed?

Alice: I was just thinking that. Crap.

Alice heads down to the basement, and returns with the carbon monoxide detector.
She plugs it in. They watch it anxiously.

Alice: It's 0.

Scott: I still feel weird.

10 minutes later.

Alice: I'm going to bed.

Scott: Is the carbon monoxide making you tired?

Alice: Look, it's still 0. I'm just tired.

They look at the fire.

Alice: Can we leave it?

They attempt to stamp out the fire, using their various fire-related implements, but on it burns.

Alice: Now that we want it to go out, it won't go out.

Scott: It'll be fine.

Alice: Right. The smoke alarm is right there. It's fine, right? Right.

They go to bed, eyeing the dying embers nervously. Somehow, they all survive.


The next evening…

Scott: Did your lungs hurt you all day?

Alice: We're never making a fire again, are we.

Scott: I didn't say that, why would you say that?

Comments

[Smalltown Mom]

Oh, dear. We don't even have a carbon monoxide detector. And my husband loves his fires. I'm thinking I need to make a trip to the hardware store.

[Joan]

My brother-in-law once tried to get our stove really, really clean. By using rubbing alcohol.

Oops.

[Grace]

I just made a fire over the weekend. I never thought about CO2. oops.

[Emma]

That was...bizarre. And yet hilarious.

I've never really thought about carbon monoxide - they make detectors for that? No kidding.

[Sprite's Keeper]

I guess it takes 2 neurotics to second-guess a fire..

[Amanda]

People have survived for years without carbon monoxide detectors. I think we'll all be fine.

[Marinka]

I'm not feeling that great myself. Thanks a lot.

[bikerchick]

Oh you guys crack me up! I have a gorgeous hearth in my family room that is the whole width of the house and all sparkly quartz. Being a cathedral ceiling about 15' high, it's the perfect room for a fire. But noooooo!!! I go through the same rigamarole imagining that the house will fill with noxious smoke and spazzily trying to put it out. Then I'm left having to clean the ash out and I swear every time I'll never burn another one. Then we get some snow and well, it's kind of obligatory for mood setting! Thanks for the crack up story.

[the sassy kathy]

hahahaha love it! you sound like me, neurotic #1. eh, who needs a fire anyway? it just ends up getting drafty and making the whole house smell like a barbeque bit anyway...

[Caroline]

I read this entire post thinking that the title was "How many narcotics does it take to make a fire?"

[Holly]

That was hilarious! Thanks for the good laugh.We are in an old (1925) house, and people are always asking us if we're going to return our fireplaces to 'working' fireplaces and I always look at them like they are CRAZY. With a five year old and two cats-along with all of the other great reasons you just mentioned-why would I want to do that? And if that makes me a neurotic too,sign me up.

[You can call me, 'Sir']

I read that twice. The second time, I added a soundtrack of circus music in the background. It was good the first time; better the second time.

[Pretty Jane]

Delicious. We use the ready logs from the grocery store--preset burn time, no creepy fumes. I still get pretty anxious, so it's only after the kids are in bed. And then the dog sleeps with her back RIGHT AGAINST the screen, and I have visions that she'll catch fire and run through the house shedding chunks of flaming fur. So I go on to bed and leave the romance to my husband and his laptop.

Am so feeling you here, Alice.

[JLP]

We had a similar scenario on Sunday! Because my husband had neglected to vacuum out all of the previous soot and ash, the darned log was suffocated in there and the smoke came billowing into the living room. I opened the door to ventilate the place while DH pushed all the ash around to give it some oxygen. The smoke detector never did go off (maybe I should check the batteries?).

[Sheryl]

That was hilarious, but oh my God, your life must be exhausting.

[Karen]

Reminds me of my in-laws, who live in a log cabin. Their only heat source is a woodstove in the living room. There's a fire in there 24X7 starting with the first frost. And they have no detectors of any sort, not even smoke detectors.

[northerngurl]

The exact reasons we haven't made a fire in four years.

[Catizhere]

Wah! I miss my gas fireplace.No Co2, no worrying about the flue, just press a button & walla. Big, roaring flames (spoken like Tom the cat in Tom & Jerry Zoot-Suit)

[Princess Mikkimoto]

This is hilarious!!!! Thanks for the laugh... that's so me with a fire too.

[Mignon]

Do you know how weird this sounds to someone in Montana?

[sparkyd]

We have a big screen tv in front of our fireplace (or had until we put our house for sale and our agent made us move it). Can totally relate to the neurosis.

Oh, and for the record re. some previous posters, carbon monoxide is still an issue with a gas fireplace. Anyone who doesn't have smoke detectors or CO detectors in their house (fireplace or no), should go get some. Not a lauging matter. Ask this family - oh wait, you can't; they all died.

http://www.cbc.ca/canada/toronto/story/2008/12/08/woodstock-deaths.html

[JachiCue]

I died from carbon monoxide poisoning after reading this post.

You crack me up.

[suburbancorrespondent]

Three words: gas fireplace inserts

Although I still am convinced we are going to die of CO poisoning...we just won't work as hard to do it.

[karen]

Our fireplace hasn't been used ... uh, ever. We're city folks. We don't stockpile firewood. I can't even light a chimenea. Honesty, have you tried to get pinion wood to burn? Then there's the whole fire hazard, home up in flames thing. Carbon monoxide. Cleaning it out. The flue. Wondering if some poor bird has nested in the chimney with no renter's insurance. I mean really. It sure looks cozy, though.

[HeyJoe]

Dearest Alice,

HA!

Appreciatively,Joe