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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

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Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

« Three years, one month, and ten days ago. | Main | 3:30 a.m. conversation. »

I am haunted by hotness.

There’s something that’s been bothering me. And I think you know what it is.

That’s right. It’s the other Alice Bradley.

For years, Google searches for me have suffered at the hands of the other Alice Bradleys of the world.

There’s Depression-era cookbook author Alice Bradley. (I have a few of these books, so if you have a craving for Mock Veal in White Sauce or Anchovy and Catsup on Toast Points, I can help.)

Then there’s former slave Alice Bradley. (Do yourself a favor and look at that link. I’m not sure whether to be amused or horrified. Or both!)

Not to mention pseudonymous science fiction author Alice Bradley. And Alice Bradley, author of "The Governor's Lady," and some Alice Bradley who wrote books under the name Cousin Alice, and then a whole heap of dead Alice Bradleys.

Still, my ex-boyfriends could usually find me in the first few Google pages. Find me, and see all that they were missing.

But not anymore. And it’s all her fault.

I’m sure she’s a very nice person. She has pleasant hobbies, such as candle-making, and knitting. And lounging on floors of hotel conference rooms. She’s not afraid of a little dust, or off-gassing! She also enjoys striking suggestive poses near plants. And I’m glad for her!

Not to mention, she shows that models “can be hot and live a regular, quiet lifestyle.” And for years I had feared that my quiet lifestyle would destroy my looks. Thank you, Alice Bradley, for showing me how I wrong I was.

But lately she’s been cramping my style. Recently I’ve had to interview some wary subjects, many of whom Googled me and discovered that young men on the Internets are calling for “more hot pics of Alice!!” One subject actually emailed me and asked, “Is this you?”

Yes. For when I am not interviewing physicians, I am inevitably lying nude on a wood floor, rose petals tastefully shielding my nips. (Link NSFW, more or less.) Then I settle in for a quiet evening of candle-making. Nude candle-making.

There must be a term for this. Google-impaired? Google-hobbled? Someone! Come up with something!

Reader Comments (74)

i'll say you're haunted by hotness, pretty lady!

[cue opening strains of "brickhouse" by the commodores]

awww right!!
November 16, 2005 | Unregistered Commentersweetney
ps: hubba-hubba.
November 16, 2005 | Unregistered Commentersweetney
Let's all turn the tables on this other Alice - e-mail her and ask "Are you finslippy?"

I had a co-worker in LA who has the same name as a hard core fetish photographer (that's putting it kindly) who also lived in LA. Shortly after my co-worker told me about his doppelganger, my husband (a financial advisor) was handed a new client - none other than the fetish photographer.
November 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJulie
You have been Doppelgoogled.

I love the rose petal on the far nipple.Just ... poised ....
November 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterSuse
Wait a minute, WAIT just a dog-gone MINUTE!

You mean...

That's NOT you?!

Excuse me... being totally realistic here, she doesn't look like an Alice Bradley... she looks like a Mulan Faa.

Also, I read that interview she did for IGN and she may be "hot" but she's got no brain. Let's equate her beauty to her vacant skull. (And if by some chance she really is smart, she has done a spectacularly poor job of displaying that via the internet.)

You got it ALL over her!
November 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterTitanKT

...since you discovered it and all ;)
November 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterAmy
Jeez, that girl is skin-ny!!

Looks like the other Alice Bradley could use a big helping of Mock Veal.

November 17, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterdave
I get nothing on Google searches. Not a single thing. And now after seeing bizzaro Alice, I think I'm okay with that.
November 17, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterTB
You know what they say "she who doth protest too much"!
November 17, 2005 | Unregistered Commentercagey
That is Soooooo funny!!!

My namesakes include a former sister-in-law, fortunately, never on the web and whose name has changed since remarriage.

And a research ob/gyn in Chicago specializing in vag!na surgery or something else crazy. People searching for me will find something altogehter. People searching of vag!nas will be disappointed in any case.

((I wonder what folks searching for you from that NY Times article ever found)):-)
November 17, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterAnita
Google taught me that I am a 20 ton sea monster in an old Godzilla movie.

Could be worse.
November 17, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterManda
Anita, as far as they're concerned, I'm Alice Brady.

I want to be a sea monster! ME!
November 17, 2005 | Unregistered Commenteralice
Oh PLEASE! You are so much hotter! I bet if you had to balance rose petals you would do a MUCH better job. At least you don't get MTV's Daria pages when you google. Funny thing everyone asks if my parents named me for the cartoon ... I am 23 people the cartoon is much younger.
November 17, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterDaria
Nude candle making can be painful. So can pouring liquor on your labia but that's another story......
November 17, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterLala
Hey, I'm the number 1 link for myself. That's kind of cool. I suppose that's what you get when your name is Dana Vittum and the only other person out there named that is related to me somehow.

I want to be a sea monster as well.
November 17, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterDM
see and i *like* that i can't be found.

the sweetest sound was a documentary i saw on this "shared name" phenomenon that i really liked. i especially liked the part where he was suggesting killing all the other people with his name, so that he would be the REAL ONE AND ONLY him. i couldn't kill all the people with my name, though. we are legion.

November 17, 2005 | Unregistered Commenteranne
oops. alice, dear, clever alice bradley, can you close that tag for me or am i doomed to look as inept as i am?

November 17, 2005 | Unregistered Commenteranne
She's a google-ganger rather than a doppleganger. Or she is your "googlenym."
November 17, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterGemini6Ice
She's a google-ganger rather than a doppelganger. Or she is your "googlenym."
November 17, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterGemini6Ice
The worst part about my name is the fact that there is another writer with it and a bunch of conservative Christians. I get emails all the time now asking me about my faith and my dog newsletter. What?
November 17, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterMeg
When I first starting reading finslippy, I googled you to see if you had written any books. Imagine my surprise when I found out you were a hot Asian model in your spare time! And I totally looked like a perv sitting at my desk at work looking at that website when all I wanted was a new book to read.
November 17, 2005 | Unregistered Commenteredithmae
Edith: Perv.

Anne: link fixed! I AM clever, aren't I.

I like "screwgled," then I thought, maybe scroogled? But Scroogle is some kind of anti-Google site.

I also like Googlenym.

November 17, 2005 | Unregistered Commenteralice
awesome - googlenym is just right :)
November 17, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterdd
Well, at least if you did lie on the floor with nothing but rose petals covering your nips, you wouldn't be backing those nips with fake boobies.
November 17, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterMonkey loves Kitten
I vote for Screwgled! Scroogled? I kind of like the Scroogle for the visual ties with Google. I'll have to see if I end up thinking it sounds anti-Google. Could you also use Screwgled if there are sites out there that DO pertain to you and cast you in a bad light and are then found by prospective employers? It's never happened to me (though the only thing that comes up for me are horrid pics of me from my High School drama days), but I think it's a good terminology!
November 17, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterBetsy

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