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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
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Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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« Three years, one month, and ten days ago. | Main | 3:30 a.m. conversation. »
Wednesday
Nov162005

I am haunted by hotness.

There’s something that’s been bothering me. And I think you know what it is.

That’s right. It’s the other Alice Bradley.

For years, Google searches for me have suffered at the hands of the other Alice Bradleys of the world.

There’s Depression-era cookbook author Alice Bradley. (I have a few of these books, so if you have a craving for Mock Veal in White Sauce or Anchovy and Catsup on Toast Points, I can help.)

Then there’s former slave Alice Bradley. (Do yourself a favor and look at that link. I’m not sure whether to be amused or horrified. Or both!)

Not to mention pseudonymous science fiction author Alice Bradley. And Alice Bradley, author of "The Governor's Lady," and some Alice Bradley who wrote books under the name Cousin Alice, and then a whole heap of dead Alice Bradleys.

Still, my ex-boyfriends could usually find me in the first few Google pages. Find me, and see all that they were missing.

But not anymore. And it’s all her fault.

I’m sure she’s a very nice person. She has pleasant hobbies, such as candle-making, and knitting. And lounging on floors of hotel conference rooms. She’s not afraid of a little dust, or off-gassing! She also enjoys striking suggestive poses near plants. And I’m glad for her!

Not to mention, she shows that models “can be hot and live a regular, quiet lifestyle.” And for years I had feared that my quiet lifestyle would destroy my looks. Thank you, Alice Bradley, for showing me how I wrong I was.

But lately she’s been cramping my style. Recently I’ve had to interview some wary subjects, many of whom Googled me and discovered that young men on the Internets are calling for “more hot pics of Alice!!” One subject actually emailed me and asked, “Is this you?”

Yes. For when I am not interviewing physicians, I am inevitably lying nude on a wood floor, rose petals tastefully shielding my nips. (Link NSFW, more or less.) Then I settle in for a quiet evening of candle-making. Nude candle-making.



There must be a term for this. Google-impaired? Google-hobbled? Someone! Come up with something!

Reader Comments (74)

I vote for screwgled! (But then, I coined it!) But I am also its poster child...my name is William Braine. Here's my google image search...

http://images.google.com/images?q=william+braine&ie=ISO-8859-1&hl=en

(Hint...I'm not the frozen dessicated corpse...)
November 17, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterbraine
Clearly a case of Internetentity theft. Sue, I say.

Or laugh.
November 17, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterEuropean
delurking to say, my alternate ego is a professional basketball player! as a five foot nothing professional comfy-sofa sitter, I find this quite reassuring. She is obviously eating right and doing enough exercise for both of us.

A british comedian called Dave Gorman set out to find all the Dave Gorman's out there in Google land. He met 52 for the (very funny) TV series and book, which in turn unleashed all the Dave Gormans' who aren't googleable. 3 years later, I believe the joke is wearing rather thin...
November 18, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterMel
I have the same problem. I had a photography website that I let go and it was snagged up. Now all my friends think I moonlight as a porn star!www.kristyneagleton.comIf you know how to navigate the guts of a website you can actually see a snapshot of my original site. I never took any photos that would suggest porn! Gah!!
November 18, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterk.e.
In talking with one of my cousins yesterday, I termed it "The Google Stakes", as in, "Your sister Tamarra is now winning the Rosenleaf family Google stakes."

For many, many years, I was indeed nearly the only competitor in said competition, but my cousin just passed me up. Annoying. Still, my full name will find no one but me for pages, thanks to the odd last name.
November 18, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterNicole Rosenleaf Ritter
I totally missed this post so I'm late to the party but...I share google hits with a witch (so all the people who were mean to me in high school will think I am this witch who lives in the suburb). The other person who screwgoogled me (that's my fave) is an escort. She's not as hot as your Alice, but still!
November 20, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterozma
She's a poser! Actually, when I googled myself a model comes up too. Too bad she's blond and I have black hair or maybe people might really think it's me! HA
November 22, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterUnique Baby Gifts
Also late to the party, but I had to comment because this post put a little "Aha!" lightbulb over my head. You see, your name appears in my blog from an article on mom/dad bloggers I reprinted from my hometown newspaper back in March. All of a sudden, I'm getting all these google hits searching for Alice Bradley blog, and all this time I'm thinking its you they're looking for.

Apparently not.

November 23, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterDanigirl
Googlegangering

That's the term! Can that get in the urban dictionary please?
November 30, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterFor Joke!
When people Google my name, they come up with author Charles Kaiser who wrote the book The _Gay Metropolis_. This is not me. That's why I always use my middle initial, which some people tell me is pretentious, and others tell me that using me REAL name on the internet is just flat dangerous. . . Oh well. Danger is my middle name. Wait, no it's not. It's Robert.
November 30, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterCharles R. Kaiser
you should try the rose petals thing - that Alice Bradley, she needs a rival
November 30, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterAnnejelynn
Oh that is hysterical! MSN searches do some funny things too - as I have been discovered by someone searching "husband thinks my vagina is too big," which is not something I've ever blogged, but all the words are there and MSN put those suckers all together. EXCELLENT.

By the way - your rose petals are beautiful...lol!
November 30, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterKaren Rani
With a name like "William Dance" or even plain old "Will Dance", I get a whole lot of ballet classes or old dead guys from England.

I like scroo-gled.
November 30, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterWilliam Dance
At least it wasn't some sort of large hairy man. Oh, Google, the wonderful traffic you send sometimes!
November 30, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterCarly
this is a problem! when i google myself (to make sure those old boyfriends are seeing the right stuff) i get:

- a domain name for sale- a link to a book whose main character has the same name. became very excited, bought the book, and found it was very bad- my namesake's scores as a junior national weightlifter - which scares me a little

i may have to buy the domain name. but what if the other me decides SHE wants it, and comes after me?
November 30, 2005 | Unregistered Commenteralidancer
Has the following been suggested? (I didn't read all of your comments.) Write into "Word Fugitives" in The Atlantic Monthly regarding your question of Google doppelgangers. www.theatlantic.com/fugitivesIt would make a great entry and I look forward to seeing it there!



November 30, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterkate
Well, for what it's worth, I think you look way nicer than the bimbo.
November 30, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterDammit, Bobby!
just to say -- my first and last name are also the same as a semi-notorious model on the internet. (google tells me she is the world's top fitness model! yay?) many people have told me they've tried to google stalk me and failed, because there are just pages and pages and pages of her. i like to think it's the cheapest form of internet privacy around.
December 1, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterk.mu
New to your blog from Dooce.com - but GREAT read ... it made my day.

I am adding to my list of fav's -- this is a daily read for sure :)
December 1, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterSassy8877
Cause hey, who doesn't love nude candlemaking, right?

Excellent post, glad I stumbled across you (via Dooce).
December 1, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterKato
My internet alter ego shoots fire out of her hoo-ha. Oh god I hope no one ever googles my name!!!!
December 1, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJen
Could be worse. You could be a graphics card.
December 3, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterMargi
you don't have to worry until she starts getting book deals.
December 14, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterthe mighty jimbo

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