I am not at all afraid of my cat.

My cat tried to kill me. But I'm sure I had it coming.

It all started when I mocked my cat's ass on Twitter. Izzy the cat is—well, she's become a big girl. She rapidly morphed from an adorable teacup-sized kitten to a hulking mass who causes the house to shake when she jumps off a chair. Here is what she was:

And here's Izzy now!

She actually looks relatively slender here, due no doubt to her slimming black hue. She's way more of a moose than you can tell from the picture. In real life, she causes people to exclaim in surprise when they see her. She's not small.

I don't even know how she fits on this windowsill.

I know that this is partly our fault. Or at least it's our fault for not addressing the issue as soon as we noticed her rapid expansion. It occurred, as these things do, after she was spayed. When she figured there was no reason to keep up her girlish figure. She let herself go, and we let her do it.

Look, now her back-fat is causing her to slip:

So lately it seems that she is too heavy to clean herself. Specifically, she cannot reach her butt. And this is disgusting. I even tried cleaning her myself—out of love, yes, but mostly disgust—but the fur is all matted, and now there's no getting it out. It's clear that we need to take her to the vet and get the whole cat-butt problem worked out. She's also apparently incapable of cleaning her back, now, and let's face it, it's really hard to pet her when she's like this. Our love, apparently, is conditional, and the condition is "must not have pooplets stuck to ass when you rub our legs for a pet."

Oh wait, I just found a picture in which her enormous girth is revealed.

NOW YOU SEE. Quick, look away—I can't be sure what prolonged viewing of her Rasputin-like gaze would do to your brains.

I feel bad for her, but that didn't stop me from writing a Twitter about her ass. And not a few minutes later, I walked into the kitchen, and Izzy dashed in front of the doorway, causing me to fly across the room, landing on both wrists and one knee. I had to lie there for a while. Henry came in and offered to kiss my knee, but I demurred. Over the next few days, my knee turned all kinds of colors. My parts hurt. But it could have been much worse.

I have never almost been killed by a cat before, and it's a humbling experience. I can only conclude that Izzy can read, and that she's following me on Twitter. She's probably reading my blog. So I just want to say here that 1) my cat is beautiful, no matter what condition her ass is in, and 2) I was wrong to publicly mock her. Oh, and 3) I am sure that if we take her to the vet it will be so she can be admired, and not to have her hindquarters shaved and a tasteless diet food prescribed. In conclusion, my cat is beautiful. A big, beautiful beast.

If I don't post in a couple of days, you'll know that she didn't accept my apology.

Comments

[cynical]

She's not a chubbo -- she's big boned!!! (I had a big, beautiful black kitty for years, who one of my friends dubbed "Chubby Cat.") Good luck with that admiring vet, Izzy -- I think you look fabulous (but your butt could use a little work).

[AEMom]

Alice you are truly so funny. When I was growing up we had gargantuan cats so I can totally relate -- black ones too.They are totally way smarter than we give them credit for. At night while you sleep she probably uses your computer to twitter and blog about the hell of living with these humans who are truly beneath her. Because all cats think that humans are beneath them.

[cartoongoddess]

That last photo - very Kliban-esque.

As former owner of the Michelin cat, I understand.

[Bether]

Alice, I don't know what you're feeding Izzy now. I'm trying not to be all judge-y or proselytize-y about this, but: if you aren't currently feeding her something made of things cats are supposed to eat (very high protein, no grains), you might consider it. In June, we switched our cats from Safeway brand kibble to Orijen dry food (they don't like the wet stuff, and there's no way in hell we're going to feed them raw meat -- it's too much work). Both our cats have lost weight. One of them had skin problems that have cleared up.

Obviously, still talk to your vet, but you might want to consider a diet change and do some research into hippie organic cat food.

[Ashley]

Aww she looks just like my old cat, who was also ENORMOUS. Seriously. 30 lbs and he tried to kill me on a daily basis. (and everyone else, poor thing hated strangers and seeing that he was the size of a small horse he was a museum attraction)

She does seem to have that "i'm going to eat you" look....hehe :) she's adorable!

[Emma]

Cats - you gotta love 'em!

;)

E.

[all things BD]

Wow, you're cat's, um, a little bit Weebley-Wobbley shaped. So, an ass shaving and a lecture on feline dieting. Should make for an interesting vet visit. Oooh, take pictures!

[Nothing But Bonfires]

My cat Charlie is also a....uh...a big chap. We took him to the vet to address the matter of his obesity and the diagnosis was that he was stressed. STRESSED! Obviously he is comfort-eating with mountains of cupcakes and several DVR-ed episodes of Gossip Girl while we're out at work all day. His job in the stock market is really taking a toll.

[Mara]

Man, I just laughed out loud at work. Now they're going to know I'm not working. Can I blame you for this somehow?

[Karen]

I have two fat cats (Bitsy = 17 pounds, Trogdor = 21 pounds). They clean each other's rears. And it's a good thing, too, because I would so get them shaved in a skinny second if they were hauling around an assload of dingleberries.

[Emily]

My cat is also too fat to clean his own ass. And he's long haired. I made plans today to shave my cat's ass. He's actually pretty good about it. But the whole fact that this is our relationship...

Disturbing at best.

[Charly Brown]

OMG she looks just like my cat! My husband and I are constantly making fun of our "little Fluffy" because when he walks across the room, his belly fat sways from side to side - it's hypontizing. Seriously, he looks EXACTLY like her, well, except for the boy parts. I thought it might be a black cat only thing, until I took a good look at my much younger kitty. He's orange, and when we got him, he came with the name Garfield. Which was ridiculous. He was this scrawy little thing, that weighed less than 3 pounds. I'm now starting to the his previous owners were psychic...

Good news is, they clean each other, so I don't have to worry about the dingleberries ;o)

[kate]

I'm siding with Izzy on this one. Someone once mocked MY back-fat and he hasn't been seen nor heard from since.

[Crystal]

We "inherited" a cat - we were caring for him while his owner served in Iraq, but then somehow he just ended up staying. When he got here he was a "big and tall" kinda cat. When he ran (if you can call it that) his belly would swing back and forth! He also had the same issues with cleaninig himself - we actually did bathe him and trim his rear end fur, which helped somewhat.

We took him to the vet and he was having some infection issues so he was put on an antibiotic, which helped his poop not be so runny and sticking to his fur. We also fed him what our other cat eats - Purina One - and we also feed the cats downstairs so they have to go up and down if they're hungry. I didn't notice that he had lost so much weight, but when his original owner came to visit he was astounded. He gets around much better now and cleans himself better too! Sorry to write a book here - just wanted to comiserate with you on your plus size pet.

[uncouthheathen]

We have a cat of size, too. Her name is Carson and she's about 17 pounds. We have been feeding her prescription diet food and she hasn't lost any weight. We cut her food down and she still didn't lose the weight and then she was miserable, crying and crying and crying for her food. She's happy being fat. Somehow she's managed to stay pretty clean, but she also has a sister and they clean one another. Maybe Izzy needs a sister.

[megan]

I had the same issue with my FAT cat, sophie. Who is basically the size of 1 and a half cats at this point. Anywho a few years ago, she, like yours, became either too fat or too lazy to clean her ass. It was totally gross. So I started to do it for her, with baby wipes. Yes- chasing her around the house until I caught her at least once a day. She wasnt' happy. After about a month of this she decided it was enough and started to clean her own ass again. She's been great ever since. Except for the peeing on the carpet. Ahh, another issue.

[suburbancorrespondent]

I so wish you hadn't shared all these details about your cat's butt with us. I just don't feel I know you well enough for that level of intimacy.

[jenB]

The organic hippie food did wonders for both of our kitties. They hardly ever try and kill us anymore.

[DiaryofWhy]

I've never almost been done in by a cat, but I swear a llama had it out for me once.

When I was young my grandparents had a cat they called C.B., which I only found out years later (when I was "old enough," apparently) stood for Cat Butt. Perhaps it's a common problem?

[Sarah]

We have two male cats (who just happen to be black, like Obama) that were enourmous when we had them on dry food exclusivly. We moved them to wet food, because of needing to administer a medication, and then we noticed that they were slimming down. Some cats can cope with the carbs but ones that get really fat, can't. we do one wet feeding in the am and have dry food for grazing. One of the ideas is taht because their bodies can't extract the protien very well from dry food, they eat a lot more of it. Sort of like if we tried to live on captain crunch. It's fortified,but not so easy to get by on. You don't have to get a fancy brand, but one that hasn't been realled because of mealmine poinsoning would be my suggestion. Now both of our cats them are in the normal range and their butts are clean as whistle!

[Shan]

My cat is both bigger (Seriously. Far fatter) than your cat, she also has the butt problem AND the scuzzy, dirty, back-fur problem. SIGH. She's also 13 years old, which is pretty old for a cat, so....I sorta can't blame her. But it is disgusting. All of it.

[All Adither]

Nothing but Bonfires comment just made me snicker. Loudly.

I think I would take the cat off your hands, even with the poop problem. Perhaps you could shave her ass. Kind of a Brazilian Wax for cats. They must exist.

[robyn]

that is EXACTLY what my cat maggie looks like. girth and all. maybe a bit smaller, because she doesn't have the cleaning problems.

and the tasteless food? won't do a bit of good. we've got another cat on special food, and she eats the shit out of it like it's going out of style.

[sarah]

i like dogs better to a certain extent, one of the reasons being that as fat as they get... they can always scrape their ass on the carpet... you know. er, that's worse maybe. i'm not sure.

[dayna]

I love your floors. And your curtains.

And put her on the hippie food - she'll go back to cleaning, I'm sure.