I feel so violated.

Dear cat:

I'm sorry we forgot to get you spayed. The good news is it's happening tomorrow. Meanwhile, don't look at me like that. I like you, but not in that way.

Fondly,

Your owner (but not lover)

Dear sexy, sexy human:

You are one hot number, did you know that? You don't have sleek fur covering your weird body, and you can't even cleanse your hindquarters with your probably un-barbed tongue, but… I don't know. There's something about you. I never noticed before today. But now I have these feelings, and I can't ignore them.

I will waggle my hindquarters in the air, and let nature take its course.

Patiently, your cat,

Izzy

Dear Izzy,

Shall I lock you in the basement overnight?

Love,

Alice

Dear Charlie,

Aw, yeah. I don't care how much of a non-cat you are, you are working this dog thing, and me likes. Do you know what you're doing to me, with that tail, and those eyes, and the way you stand there, paralyzed in terror, whenever I come around? Don't be afraid, baby. I got needs, and you're the closest thing to perfect within these four walls. You know where to find me.

Rowr,

Izzy

Cat-Thing--

Hey! What! I don't undersand when you talk about this and with the cat-butt in the air and what! It, you know, it's scary enough when you swat and hiss and poke and hiss and swat! Hey! But now I have to say I can't really handle this! Wow! I sure am very very very nervous! Where are my beloveds! My giant pink beloveds! Save me from cat-beast! SAVE!

Running,

Charlie

Hey baby,

You're the only one left, and time is running out. Tomorrow they take out my feelings, my hot cat needs, but tonight, tonight is for you and me. The dog, that coward, is hiding with the other non-cats, and I can't get at him. But you, you don't run away. You stand tall and strong, and I like that. Now MOUNT ME.

Thank you,

Your kitty cat.

ANIMAL:

No understand, me. Is confuse! Why you writhe and shimmy against I? What have you reason for chirruping? Cannot act. Cannot help! Want to, would like, but no working I is parts for moving. Am non-moving, but not non-feeling. So sorry.

Love,

COFFEE TABLE

Dear Alice,

Where are you going with this? Yes, we get it, the cat's in heat, you're getting her spayed. Better late then never, although some of us think spaying is evil and your cat should mate with wolves or whatever. We can't help it, some of us are kooks. Do you have any plans to wrap this up?

Love,

The Internet

Dear Internet,

No, I don't have any ideas, I'm sorry. I didn't think this through.

Yours,

Alice

Hey, Internet,

As long as you're here, HELP A CAT OUT GODDAMMIT.

Hugs 'n' stuff,

Izzy.

Comments

[BOSSY]

Hatchoo.

[Deb Abramson]

You've really got an ear for dialect, Alice. That coffee table patois, for example, was instantly recognizable. Stop flaunting your genius, please.

[alice]

Would you have me HIDE MY LIGHT UNDER A BUSHEL, Deb? I just bet you would.

[Operation Pink Herring]

I put off spaying my new male cat for awhile. No big deal, I thought. we'll get it done at some point. Then he started humping stuffed animals, humping the computer chair, HUMPING MY FEET WHILE I WAS SLEEPING. Never have I felt so violated. Neuter was done the next week!

[dianne]

Note to self: Do NOT let on that the Dear Diary entry (circa 1984) (-->1999) referred to self and not cat...

[Jenn]

That's some good stuff.

[Joe]

Dearest Alice,

Some of your posts are so great that it makes me want to turn in my blogger card. I just cannot compete.

Conceding,Joe

[Skippy]

Delurking to say that the link for this post shortens the title to I Feel So Viola, which is almost as funny as the actual post.

Back to lurking...

[Leaf, probably...]

Hilarious, and your cat is obviously a total inter-species slut...

[Lioness]

Oh good God, you are brilliant! This was your most fabulous post ever! EVER! I am so uplifted I could weep for joy. Gosh, you keep Sharon Stone trapped in the basement?? You're ab fab and that's all I can say, jealously. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

[That beings said and much meant, time for you to now hate me. I'm in my final year of vet school so apologies but I am being forced by all my training to add this: I don't know where your vet stands on pain management. Many vets here - Europe's armpit - Portugal - still believe that you should not give analgesics post-OVH, the pain keeps the animal still and prevents her from pulling stitches etc, ultimately the cat is lucky she's allowed to experience terrible abdominal pain. This is utter bollocks of course, no need for agony ever and analgesia speeds up the healing. I'm sure your van vet is perfectly savvy but I've seen too much, I'd rather you leave me a loving comment than risk not saying it. Also, a concave belly post-OVH looks frightening but they all look that way and the recovery is actually fast. Shutting up now, hope she's back to chirruping soon.]

[Torrie]

I would imagine being an animal in heat is similar to being a twelve year old boy with no arms.

[Jessica]

*snort* Torrie!

Alice, this was too good. I've been punting for the past few days of NaBloPoMo. You...not so much!

[Catizhere]

hee hee, look at my username....

Anyhoo, back in my single days, I had a cat. She was not spayed (yet).

One evening, I was brushing my hair and dropped the brush. It landed beside the bed with the handle sort of sticking up. Daisy found it. And GOT BUSY!!I haven't been able to use a GOODY brush since.

[Michele]

We neglected to have one of our cats neutered until she was two years old; she was an indoor cat, and we figured, "What's the point?" The point being, your female cat will get the feline version of endometriosis. And she was much sicker after the operation than if we'd done it when she was 6 months old or so. Lesson learned. Every other female cat in our house has been spayed by the time they reach 6 months. Sorry kitty!

Does your cat have a MySpace page? Maybe Izzy could find a "date" that way!! Or let Izzy check out the action over at I Can Has a Cheezburger?

[Amanda Brown]

The coffee table's entry was pure gold. Gold that has been humped. You know, the usual kind of gold.

[Kristen]

OH MY GOODNESS!!! Comedy gold! I loved that so very much!

[Tammy]

roflmao!!!!! so funny... and yet I know it;s sorta not. I once has a kitty not spayed... it wasn't pretty, lol she tried to violate the entire house, lol

[Sol]

Brilliant!

[Moody]

OMGosh, we had a cat that did this too, and our poor neutered male cat was trying to remember what he should do to help but ended up being just very confused. Those females really become hussies---spay them, spay them now!

[Mauigirl]

ROFLMAO! This was hilarious. When my husband had his first cat Mathilda (before we met) he didn't know about the "in heat" thing and when she started acting up at about age 6 months he actually thought there was someting wrong with her BACK. He brought her to the vet's all concerned about some kind of spinal problem and the vet had to break it to him that sticking her butt up in the air like that was an entirely different problem!

[the new girl]

BWWAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!

[Strizz]

Cats are some horny mothers and that was hilarious

Random this, I just realized I was linking to a homepage I forgot I even had. Also I forget the balls story. URL fixed

[superblondgirl]

I would have you hide your light under a bushel. This post is so good it's shaming the rest of the internet. STOP IT!

[erinbeth]

you made me laugh outloud and now the baby woke up. crap. this totally reminded me of this crazy, worked up little girl kitty we got when we were first married, and she was totally hot for my husband. it was awkward.

[CafeKitty]

I've been having problems with a male cat (soon to be a NEUTRAL cat)...he's apparently fallen in love with my long, somewhat stripey hair. (Maybe it looks like another tabby???) Anyway this was hilarious~I laughed, I cried. Thanks for sharing!