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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

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Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

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I just have to figure out how he printed this.

I found the following tucked away in a corner of Henry's crib. I am so onto him.


Date: April 1, 2005

To: Child,

From: Kevin, VP, Toddler Division

Subject: Quarterly Objectives

Happy new year, company members! As you know, our first quarter was a fruitful and productive one. By working together to delay our bedtimes, we acquired over 53,000 extra hours of valuable awake time. That’s 53,000 more hours of running in circles. 53,000 more hours of shaking our heads wildly and arching our backs. 53,000 more hours of the Parents straining to communicate that toothbrushes do not go in the diaper. We have seen the Parents falter and ultimately give way under our consistent efforts, and we are proud.

It should be mentioned that some of our members have made great strides in drastically limiting the variety of foodstuffs they allow to enter their face-holes. We are thinking especially of Child 3A0762C-0908, who now ingests only raisins and lukewarm water sipped from a plastic spork; Child 5B0755F-0528: ketchup on crackers and the occasional mashed grape; and, most breathtakingly, Child 8A0576L-0108: plain dried breadcrumbs licked off a moistened index finger.

For the second quarter of 2005, we’ve strengthened our resolve and shown what a little determination and a lot of screeching can accomplish. And we are ready for the next phase: Operation No-Pants.

Every morning without failing, the Caregivers initiate a dressing procedure that is tiresome at best and scratchy at worst. It distracts us from our viewing of Elmo and limits our access to our smooth smooth skin. Their motives are puzzling: either they are jealous of our smooth smooth skin or else are attempting to break our wills by imposing nonsensical rules and demanding that we comply. But they will not succeed, friends. Because we will resist.

So: no matter how sopping wet or poop-crammed your diaper is, refuse to let Caregiver remove it. Declare that diaper to be your FAVORITE DIAPER. Do not allow any larger beings to lay a finger on it. For motivation, imagine that said diaper is part of your body, like a real tushie over your tushie. If any attempt is made to remove it, you will scream. Remember: the Scream is your friend. Caregivers live in fear of the Scream. If you add to the Scream “No hit! No hit!” they’re sure to back away for fear of the authorities coming after them.

Once a clean diaper is on very little can stop them from dressing you. The soiled diaper is your last and best hope.

Now that you’ve mastered toddler-ese, use it! Declare your opinions at each and every turn, and make sure that they are as vague and baffling as your pronunciation. If Caregiver explains that dressing is a vital step in a traveling-to-playground initiative, screech, “Murfy! TOO MURFY!” Do not explain. Never explain.

But why do we resist, you ask? Why not get dressed and enter the playground, where fun could possibly had? Because, that’s why. Because because because. Because we must take every stand we are able to take. Also! Because Caregiver is deceiving you. There is another, better playground, a Naked Playground, with balloons and ice cream and cake. The soiled diaper will lead the way. This is true, we think.




Reader Comments (81)

May 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterAlison
I think that might be the funniest thing I have ever read. Because.
May 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterAngela
May 16, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterstacey
I love it! Ha ha!!!

Now which toddler is Henry? Mashed up grapes or dried bread crumbs?
May 16, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterhalloweenlover
I believe in the Naked Playground.
May 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterS-Way
As a lifelong 'not having kids'er, you almost make me want to.

Except I probably wouldn't be so eloquent and hilarious.
May 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJen
So that must have been the piece of paper I saw my son chewing and trying to swallow before I could get it out. His diaper avoidance strategy is to ROLL! ROLL! ROLL! once the diaper has been sprung.
May 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterSusie
Genius.Toddlers live in A Brave New World -- that explains everything.

May 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterMeghan
Dear Sirs;

I am writing to ask that you cease and desist from any further communication with our son Mason. It has come to our attention that where formerly Mason was only conversant with the rules involving the screaming and poopy diaper portion of your memo, he has now had the glorious information about the naked playground shared with him. Due to this new information we are now rising at 5 a.m. in hopes of getting him to submit to clothing due to sheer exhuastion when we need to leave the house at 9 a.m.

Thank you for your help in this matter.

Mason's Mommy
It's all so clear now.
May 16, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterpanajane
This explains everything. Now I now why my three do what they do. Thanks for clarification in a most hilarious way!
May 16, 2005 | Unregistered Commentermommyd
Oh, my God, you are brilliant. Seriously. I am so sending this to my sister. She will love it. It will explain a lot, I think, about my nephew.
May 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterDM
oh, Alice.

It's impossible not to love you.
May 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterMelissaS
I know.
May 16, 2005 | Unregistered Commenteralice
Oh, you darling monoprogenitors with your quaint little monoprogenic problems. It's sweet, really.

I'm trying out my new holier-than-thou schtick. How's it sound so far?
May 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterLOD
This is a great start to an awesome children's book. I so wanted an organization like this when I was a child toiling (oh, how I toiled!) under The Oppressive Adult Dictatorship (TOAD).
May 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterCalliope
Kevin, huh??? You know, Kevin is the name of the guy (the Steve/Joe equivalent)on "Blue's Clues" in England. Go back & read that letter with a British accent. It's all coming together now!
May 16, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterbuffi
Hello. I have been reading your blog for the past few days and I think it's one of the funniest things out there. But this post was hands down the funniest and most creative thing I have read in a very long time. I will be needing information like this when I have my little one later this year. Oh yeah and I linked to you from my blog.
May 17, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterrina
Oh goodness. It truly is a conspiracy! And my Bug is following orders to a T!
May 17, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterBugsMom
HA HA HA!! You and I ARE on the same wavelength - see our Xmas card from a few years ago at

(Merry Christmas - Let Me Bum You Out) - March Archives

I love that you coded the kids w/ numbers!


May 17, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterAnne Glamore
The Scream. Yes, yes, Edvard Munch's painting is all making sense to me now. And to know it's a coordinated
May 17, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterStacia
Okay, we can do this. They may have the willpower, the lungpower and the Power of Poop, but WE HAVE THE COMPUTERS, people. What we need to do is hack into their system and subtly alter the memos. Subtlety is key here. They are geniuses and as we know they forget nothing, so we must be crafty. Very crafty.

Alice, you're in charge of the Toddler Division, we can see if VeryMom wants to handle Newborns, and Sixes... <*softly menacing voice*> I'll handle Sixes.

Okay people, I'm going in. Who's with me?
May 17, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer
I think bribes are your friends. Bribe away. Screw you, Kevin!
May 17, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterEm
absolutely brilliant.
May 17, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterRuth
Thank you, everyone, for not noticing that I left "Happy new year" in there, because I wrote this thing in January. Sigh. I remembered to change the date, but not that...
May 17, 2005 | Unregistered Commenteralice

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