I know it’s a day early…

But dear Internet: I made you this valentine. It’s a red heart, see? I cut it out myself! With some bits of a paper doily all around the edges! It’s a little sticky from all the glue and sparkles. I pasted on some googly eyes, but they fell off. Oh, wait, here they are, on my shoe.

Why did I bother making this when you’re just going to throw it out? Because I love you. I love you, Internet. I want to date you. I want to invite you over, and bake you a casserole. I will gaze at you in misty-eyed adoration, and warble love songs at you as you eat. Sweet Jesus, you'll think, does she have to look at me like that? What am I eating? And why is she singing Anne Murray songs, of all things? and then you’ll make up an excuse about having to leave early. I’ll call you as soon as you run out the door and I’ll make kissy noises into your voice mail.

And then I’ll FedEx you the rest of the casserole.

You will be scared.

But it will all be out of love, Internet. You are my one and only. Don’t ever forget that. And never leave me. Ever.

Okay, okay. Seriously, now. Wow. I don’t even know what to say about the response I received to my last post. I am overwhelmed. Thank you.

The amazing Leah interviewed me, and you can read it here. Go see! Embarrassing secrets--revealed! And there’s a picture of me trying to look pretentious, and succeeding.

Did I say thank you? Thank you. It doesn't seem like enough, but it's what I've got.

Comments

[Dorothy]

Dear Alice -

I missed your post yesterday because I was busy being fired from my breadwinner job. I sat around for quite some time feeling very, very sad and depressed and wondering about the money, how will we get the money. I so understand everything you are saying. We must explore new opportunities. Keep the faith.

BTW- The Internet will never leave you.

[Michele]

Alice, I've been thinking about your previous post and I don't know if anyone else has suggested this, but have you, your husband or both of you thought about going back to school? My university has funding for child care, the student life puts you squarely at the poverty level (ouch) but does qualify you for social services (if you ain't too proud) and, best of all, if you play your cards right you'll be able to have a happy and fulfilling career filled with moolah that will NOT all go directly to day care. It doesn't take care of the immediate poverty but it's a step in the right direction. I know I'm very happy that my soon to be Dr. Husband will be close to six figures next year.

[Debl]

Alice, did you know that I also have an extra vertabre? Which means that probably my twin sis does too? Of course, she and I have definitely thrown up since 1978 (though it's been a couple of years since I barfed at this point, knock on wood).

Anyway, I am so happy that you write, because you are funny, and make me feel less alone in my craziness. Also I still sometimes think about "dog and cat are friends" which you wrote like 10 years ago. (I'm old.)

Love,Debl

[Debl]

P.S. I just got this piece of mail (from a kid, to the magazine I work at):

Dear Garfield, Why do you rock so much?

I had to share.

[Jenn]

Don't even worry about the googly eyes. I hung it up on our fridge anyway.

You are my personal Garfield.

[Rachael]

Hey Alice,

I just spent the better part of my afternoon reading through all your archives. You are totally great.

Rachael

[lisapete]

Hi Finslippy - just dontated to your amazon link. It's not much but the least, little tiny thing I could do for all the laughs you send my way every week.

[ann adams]

Hi. I read your interview from the Blogging Baby link before I came over hear. I'll try to get back through some of your archives. I've heard of you for ages but just hadn't made it here yet.

Great interview.

[Snickrsnack Katie]

This is my first time on your site, and I wanted to tell you that I certainly love you so far! In a non-weird, non-stalking internet sort of way. So the Valentine is reciprocated. The interview was great - I just feel for you that you are moving to Jersey. Although my sister lives in Brooklyn so I can understand why you would want to get out (even though Brookyln has a lot of cool aspects).

By the way, I think it is TOTALLY awesome that you haven't thrown up in 27 years! That has to be a world record. I went for four years once, after watching the episode of Seinfeld where he boasted about his puke-free streak. Then I went to college and got drunk and ruined my streak.

[MetroDad]

Good Lord, am I the only man who reads this site on a daily basis? 84 commentors ahead of me and I'm the first with XY chromosomes?

Anyway, I just wanted to say that it was a great interview. I've always loved your writing and just wanted to take the time to thank you for all the enjoyment you've provided to me. Keep up the great work!

[song]

I do love you. and the casserole was great.

[Alexa]

Oh, Alice. You know I would never leave you, my scallop.Delightful interview--though why do you say the non-vomiting and the extra vertebra are unrelated? How can you be so sure?And speaking of depression-era cookbooks, when I was a teen I found a book in an antique store called "1000 Ways To Please Your Husband" and I shuffled into a corner to look at it, figuring it was some secret 1930s sex manual. It was a book of recipes.

[Lucinda]

I guess if you'll sing Snowbird, then I love you, too.

[Coelecanth]

Yo, Metrodad. Sorry dude, but last I checked I've got that, er...chromosome too.

[Dad Gone Mad]

I also make the face you're making in that photo, but I make it when I feel that little rumble in my gut and I'm trying to determine whether it's a fart or a poo-poo.