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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

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I look like Robert De Niro. I drive a Mitsubishi Zero.

I went to Camp Mighty, which was tremendous but I was pretty strung out from teaching my amazing class and working 90 hours a day, and as a result I didn't want to talk to people all that much and I felt like kind of a jerk. On Friday I was sitting by the pool with Eden and Jenny when part of the lounge chair fell on my head. It hurt like hell, and at first I teared up from the pain and THEN I couldn't stop crying, like the lounge chair also told me my dad would have loved me if only I were prettier. I kept trying to explain that I was tired, and Eden was like, "You know, you did just get slammed on the head with a metal rod," and Jenny just smiled beatifically because she knows a breakdown when she sees one.

Camp Mighty is all about life lists. I didn't do any of my items from last year but then amazing things happened that hadn't even occurred to me to put in there, so maybe the act of making one sets great things in motion? I'm coming around to that way of thinking. But still I suspect my next life list would just say, "Be surprised," because that's what I like the best. I didn't feel too serious about needing to re-determine what my items would be, so I cut and pasted from last year and wrote in items like "fight to the death," "become a fire starter," and "grow butterfly wings." (True story: on the plane ride home I took Klonopin and before I nodded into unconsciousness I congratulated myself for leaving my wings at home--as handy as they are, they're super cumbersome when you're crammed in economy.)

The last night of Camp Mighty I was almost too wiped out to go to the dinner event, and I sat in my hotel room berating myself. What are you so tired about, Alice? Is it all the people being lovely to you? The workshops where nothing was required of you beyond listening? The margaritas? The temperate weather? The free head shots Go Mighty GAVE you, taken by the amazing Kate Skogen? OH WAS THAT SO EXHAUSTING FOR YOU, LITTLE WUBBINS?

Humbled, I shuffled off to dinner, where I searched in vain for Eden, whom I referred to as my life partner, not really in jest. I found Maggie, and we talked about how tired we both were (maybe she had more reason to be than I did?) and I said "It's only in the past few years I've realized I'm an introvert," and she hmmed at me in her way that usually makes me realize I'm wearing Mom Jeans or something equally unfortunate, and she said, "You're not an introvert, you're a sexual."

"I beg your pardon," I said, "I am not asexual. My husband, every male collegiate a cappella group member from 1987-1991, most of my single coworkers from that first office job, and an oversized Hello Kitty pillow I wore out in 1980 can confirm that."

She explained to me that "sexual" is an enneagram subtype and it means I relate best to people one-on-one and also something about intensity and eye contact. I was too busy gazing deeply into her eyes to gather the details.

There is very little I would not do for Maggie or because Maggie said so. She is charisma itself. I am always fascinated by her, especially when she comes up with terms I've never heard of--me, who knows all. But at this juncture, I assumed I hadn't heard her correctly or that one of us was on hallucinogens.

I promptly found Eden and Heather Spohr and shared the news that I was exhausted from eye fucking everyone. Heather backed away because she's already pregnant and doesn't need to be eye pregnant as well.

Then I went back to my room and looked up sexual enneagram subtypes and here you go. Serves me right for doubting Maggie. I apologize, Maggie--and world, for getting freaky with you. Even if I never touched you, you felt it. It's…I can't help it.

When I called Scott and confessed that I had made love to everyone's souls, he said, "I don't see you as that type, but Maggie definitely is. Or maybe it's me? Maybe she's flirting with me? She's flirting with me, isn't she," and I had to settle him down while he tried to sext her.  That part might not be true, Or maybe it is! We've been married forever, we need to spice things up. This post is now ensuring that Maggie will never come visit us again. I'm kidding, Maggie! I'm kidding IF YOU THINK I AM. I am still very tired. I'm trying to cuddle with my dog but he heard I'm a Sexual and now he's like WOOF MEANS NO.

EDITED TO ADD: This is off-topic except for the fact of the post title, but now it's in my head and look how cute Billy Bragg is. 

Reader Comments (24)

You've made passes at women of all classes! Good title. Hope you're getting some rest.

November 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAlex

Just when I think I can't love you any more, you use a Billy Bragg line. And now I totally want to have eye sex with you.

November 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterHeather

I was confused by lines like: "Even with relationships that are not sexual in nature there will be a strong creative relating that is 2nd chakra in nature, relating back to the umbilical connection." I didn't find it illuminating. Maybe I am also tired.

November 19, 2012 | Registered CommenterRCAS

Gaze into my eyes and it will all become clear.

November 19, 2012 | Unregistered Commenteralice

I couldn't NOT sing the title of this post in Billy Bragg's coarse Essex accent.

November 19, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterzan

My most identifiable description of how to decide between introvert and extrovert is this: Introverts are worn out by being around people. Extroverts thrive on it. It doesn't mean that introverts don't like just means we need a 36 hour nap after a holiday party.

November 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTori

So glad my office has a door. Because I'm laughing so hard that the poor students outside would think I'm crying, if they could hear me.

November 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterErika

I am not ashamed to say that you have totally, totally touched me. And I loved every second of it. God, now I feel dirty and ashamed. Is shame part of that enneagram thing? Because I stopped reading it after the first sentence.

November 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJessica

Maggie also once described me as sexual, as I am happy one-on-one or with a really tiny group of people sitting in my apartment or at my favorite table in a bar.

Also, what is the old-timey music you are making me listen to?

Amber, I think it's increasingly clear THAT SHE'S COMING ONTO US.

November 19, 2012 | Registered CommenterAlice

Holy Shit! I am a Sexual Subtype! What am I going to do with my life? Hold me. Love me. WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME!?

This subtype really does sound like me though. Not sure how I feel about that.

November 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSheri Bomb

OH MY GOD. I laughed and laughed. I think I may have woke up my baby. Now go take a nap. You deserve it. =)

November 20, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterneo

I prefer this site:

November 20, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKeli

"WOOF MEANS NO" just made me horf my toast. The cat is looking at me weirdly. Thanks.

November 20, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAileen


November 20, 2012 | Unregistered Commenteralice

I'm a sexual too. Wow. That explains a lot. Thanks, Alice :)

November 20, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterandie

So interesting! So maybe this is why you wanted to cuddle? I should have hugged you more. Wait - are you a hugger? Ahhh, social situations are so complicated and tiring. For everyone. Don't beat yourself on top of it. It was SO great to see you and I really enjoyed our conversations, despite the fact that it sounds like I was slowly torturing you by talking to you. :)

November 20, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLeslie

Total hugger, Leslie. Next time: more hugs. I am never tired out by talking to you!

November 20, 2012 | Unregistered Commenteralice

I am so glad you have embraced this side of your personality. Maybe next year you can flash everyone at dinner. Because I was the only one doing that this year, and it was awkward.

November 20, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDaffodil Campbell

So I totally love love Billy Bragg and had a good chuckle when I read your title. Embrace your sexy self!

November 21, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterPeg

Enneagrams! This is like some Woody Allen movie where he goes to California for a visit.

It's really great to visit but when you live there things like enneagrams can make you a tad...I don't know...Actually, amusing. And interesting! I was grouchy back then was the problem. That's the truth. I just like my enneagram information at a safe distance.

It turned out I wasn't an introvert. I just hate everyone.

Eye fucking. Another great term I haven't heard in years.

November 21, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterozma

You're a Type 2? I'm a Type 2! I LOVE YOU!

November 23, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBrooke

From those of us that you did eye-fuck errmm... take time to speak with, we appreciated the time you spent and the effort made. My poolside chat with you and Eden meant a lot to me, even if we were roasting our daywalker skin in the sunshine. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to fly back to Palm Springs and kick the shit out of that shade that attacked your pretty head. Great meeting you!

November 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterPeach

Funny, funny :)

June 3, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterIgnis

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