In real life, I don't send cards even when my mom begs me to.

In my dream last night, I complained to Scott, “I send greeting cards to my friends all the time, and no one ever sends me any. That’s it. I’m not sending Jen my usual card for when it’s time to color her hair.”

Can you imagine such a card? I’m not sure whether it’s a reminder (“A little bird flying overhead told me it’s touch-up time!”) or congratulatory (“Hooray! You’re not letting yourself go!”). I think I need to come up with more cards like this. I could start a line! My mom would buy them all.

My calendar says it’s time for someone's pap smear!

Saying “Those frames aren’t doing a thing for your face” is my way of saying I care.

Congratulations on paying your bills on time (I hope)!

Flossing yet?

Come on, give me more. Together we can start a passive-aggressive greeting-card empire.

Comments

[Chookooloonks]

It's Tampon Time again! Best wishes on a speedy menstruation!

[Jean]

how about a card that says,"Don't worry! Nobody saw you!"

[Amy at Fannfare]

They did this once in a spot on David Letterman -- tried to start up a frank and honest card company. My favorite was a holiday card: "Christmas is a magical day, a time for families to dream. And, because of the way you brought me up, I have no self esteem."

To a friend? How about "You haven't called since BAD MOOD DAY. Check box and return -- I'm sorry, it's all my fault."

[Dave]

This is a real card, but I can't remember where to find the site where it is available for purchase. On the outside, it says:

Peeing is the body's way of ridding itself of toxins

and on the inside, it says:

so I guess I'm peeing you

bye bye peepee

[Meg]

Thinking of you during your breakout.

Deepest sympathies on your pants.

When I think of friends, I often think of someone other than you first. Then you come right to mind!

[Jen]

The best part is that I read this and immediately thought, "but how does she KNOW about my roots?"

A lawyer friend once had this tally on his whiteboard in his office: "Number of days without committing malpractice." Perhaps a line for professionals along these lines? ("Congratulations on three months incident-free!" or "I'm so glad they decided not to sue!")

[Chair]

You're not really going to eat that, are you?

I'm so sorry about your divorce. Do you have his number?

[Chair]

You're not really going to eat that, are you?

I'm so sorry about your divorce. Do you have his number?

[Blaine]

I have no creative inspiration to add, but I'm laughing my a** off. Keep 'em coming!!

[Baketown]

Congratulations on not getting caught!

Thinking of you on this 2nd Anniversary of our affair.

[Mary]

Oops! Looks like a new cold sore is popping up!

or, conversely:

Congratulations! The cold sore is clearing up!

[Sara]

Hahahahaha, I have no brilliant cards to add to the list, but I laughed harder reading this than I have in a while. Thanks!

[madge]

A second helping isn't helping you at all!

(Actually said to me once...)

[Alexandrialeigh]

How about:

Congratulations!

(Inside)

You've been signed up for What Not to Wear! Stacy and Clinton are going to have a field day with those spike heels and short skirts you insist on wearing to work every day!

Love,

Your coworkers

[Jane]

Or you could skip straight to aggressive and do cards like these.

[Heather B.]

Congratulations on your muffin top!

Love,

All of us

OR

On the front: Congrats on your pregnancy

On the inside: Whoops! I mean beer gut.

[Em]

When you snore in your sleep and I punch you in the face, it really means I love you.

[Petey]

Outside: Sorry to hear you lost your job.

Inside: Hopefully love really IS all you need.

[LadyBug]

Sorry about your failed attemptat your second child's conception.Hey, at least you didn't catchanother urinary tract infection!

Awful. Just awful, I know.

[Alexandrialeigh]

Good luck on your DUI trial.

Best wishes for a speedy recovery from your boob job.

[Steph.]

Card shows a single colorful flip flop:

Congratulations on your well-defined camel toe! This flip-flop should just about work. Here's to a new pair of low-rise jeans that fit!

Gross, but it could be really helpful in society if you asked me...

[schmutzie]

There are fifty ways to leave your lover and only one way to effectively tell you that your deodorant's stopped working.

[jes]

Outside: Some say they don't like talking on the phone.

Inside: Rather, it's just that they don't like talking to you.

[kelly]

Front: A little skidmark told me.

Inside: It's time to buy new underwear.

[clickmom]

How about on the cover:The doctor will see you now.And inside:Halitosis, it's treatable.Good Luck with your treatment.