In real life, I don't send cards even when my mom begs me to.

In my dream last night, I complained to Scott, “I send greeting cards to my friends all the time, and no one ever sends me any. That’s it. I’m not sending Jen my usual card for when it’s time to color her hair.”

Can you imagine such a card? I’m not sure whether it’s a reminder (“A little bird flying overhead told me it’s touch-up time!”) or congratulatory (“Hooray! You’re not letting yourself go!”). I think I need to come up with more cards like this. I could start a line! My mom would buy them all.

My calendar says it’s time for someone's pap smear!

Saying “Those frames aren’t doing a thing for your face” is my way of saying I care.

Congratulations on paying your bills on time (I hope)!

Flossing yet?

Come on, give me more. Together we can start a passive-aggressive greeting-card empire.

Comments

[Ayun]

Back when we were running a theater in Chicago, we used to do a Valentine's show that included a make-your-own-Valentine table set up in the lobby. After the show one year, I was cleaning up the scraps from the table and came upon a black construction paper heart on which someone had chalked, "I hate you!!!"Flipped it over and read, "...not half as much as I hate myself though."

I still think that was one of the most beautifully conceptualized Valentine's cards I've ever read.

[Sylvia]

This is completely hysterical.

There's a whole line of really mean greeting cards out there. They've got lovely pictures on the front, and when you open them they say things like "my freinds don't like you." or my personal favorite "I know you feel like you've let everyone down. Don't worry. I always knew you were a complete F-ck up."

[Emily]

I think you should put these into production -- get Anne Taintor to illustrate them and you will both make a FORTUNE.

[Mel]

I had this idea for Mother's Day cards since none of the cards in the stores really represented what I wanted to say. My ideas:

"Happy Mother's Day! Thank you for refraining from smoking crack during your pregnancy with me."

"Happy Mother's Day to the woman who gave me life and on numerous occasions threatened to take it away."

"Happy Mother's Day! I'm pretty sure all of that therapy I had to have was worth it!"

Really my mother isn't that bad. I'm just melodramatic.

[Michele Back]

Outside: Sorry to hear you're not getting along with Mom...

Inside: But since you're both psycho, manipulative freaks, what did you expect?

(repeat replacing "my brother" for "Mom." Can you tell this comes from personal experience?)

[Drew]

One of the best cards I ever saw:

Outside: On your birthday, I have 2 words for you,Inside (in bold capitals across the whole inside of the card): JENNY CRAIG

[Amy]

My sister was a big fan of Charles in Charge so it was always on (or seemed to be)...aaaand now I have the theme song stuck in my head. Thanks, Erin!

Anyway, a greeting card one of the characters read on the show permanently lodged itself in my brain:

So sorry to hear you're going to die.We can't say, "Get well," so we'll just say, "Goodbye."