It turns out I'm a zombie, probably
August 25, 2011I went to the doctor for my insomnia/back pain/headache because Scott insisted, even though I was pretty sure she wouldn't be impressed and would have nothing to say to me. And wouldn't you know it, I was right. ME. RIGHT AGAIN. I switched a few months ago from the insane grubby doctor who thought my name was "Alice Bundles" to a fancy doctor group wherein you can get spring water in the waiting room and make online appointments and get your blood taken whenever you feel like it. The service may be better, but no one's heart seems to be in it. The two doctors I've seen there are thorough, but detached. I need some hugs or maybe just concerned looks! Stop cleaning your beautiful offices and learn to love again!
This doctor I saw the other day was a new one to me, a (very clean) little wisp of a thing, just adorable, and she did a neurological test and saw that I was normal-ish and she basically said "meh" and I was like WHAT ARE YOU THE INTERNET and she concluded, "I guess I could give you Ambien?" Just like that. With a question mark. Ambien? I could give it to you? If you want it? Hmmmmrgh? I am terrified of such medication, however, especially since my Trazodone experience--
WAIT, did I tell about when I took Trazodone? I see by my archives that I did not! My psychiatrist prescribed this medication to help me sleep. He said, AND I QUOTE, "It's very benign. Some people feel a slight hangover the next morning, but it quickly passes. Very, very benign." Then he said "benign" a hundred more times until I was lulled into agreeing to take it. I took it ONE TIME and I woke up the next morning feeling as if I had been on the bender to end all benders. And I had not been. My head throbbed and ice-picked and did everything that heads should not do. I couldn't bear light, or movement. OH, and I had an interview with PBS that day. In the morning. In my home. So although I was in agony and nauseated beyond all belief, I had to clean my place. Do you know what it's like trying to vacuum when you have a migraine? I hope you never do. And then the pain did not fully go away, despite all the pain relievers in the world, until the day after that. I am not so happy with my psychiatrist, after that little episode. ANYWAY, back to my doctor story--
--and anyway you know I'd sleep-blog if I were on Ambien. I'd sleep-blog while eating through my pantry and scaring the cat. I asked her about melatonin, and she shrugged. She shrugged at melatonin! Even though you guys said it's awesome! Then she said it's used for jet lag mostly and she said this while she was typing into her computer, and I'm fairly certain she was on Web M.D. Maybe she wasn't a doctor at all? I should have asked to see her credentials.
The only time she seemed to really pay attention was when she couldn't feel my pulse. She was moving her tiny little doll-fingers all around my wrists for about a minute, and let me tell you, that got her attention, and it felt good. I suppressed my pulse some more, just for the hell of it. Have I not mentioned that I can stop my pulse at will? The surprises keep on coming, with me.
I got out of there pretty quickly once I could see that she was unconcerned nor did she particularly feel like talking to me. Oh well. At least it was covered by insurance? Question mark?
So since then, maybe it's my righteous anger at the doctor, but I seem to be feeling better. I've learned that I need to avoid wine, especially after dinner. For some kooky reason, even a small amount of wine at night will make me anxious. It revs me up! What can I say? A large amount of wine, by the way, will make me nauseated and anxious. Also, I often lose my pants. I've also figured out that Benadryl helps. I can relax enough that I don't freak out if I can't fall asleep right away. It didn't stop me from waking up before dawn this morning, sadly. But I guess you can't have everything? Question mark?
I know that many of you have touted the benefits of acupuncture, and I'm going to look into it. Remind me to tell you about the first time I went to an acupuncturist, though. And then you'll see why I've hesitated to return for so many years.
Reader Comments (57)
The stuff in both Tylenol and Advil PM isn't exactly Benadryl, but it's chemically similar (same first chemical word, different second word). Benadryl helps me a bit but the Advil PM works better. I sometimes only take 1, but if I take 2 (the regular grown-up dose), I really, really sleep, and sometimes feel groggy briefly in the morning. Target sells a generic of both.
I was terrified of acupuncture for years, and finally went (to the person that I referred you to on twitter - yay social media) because my stomach problems and anxiety were getting intolerable and Western medicine had done all it could and everyone kept saying, "It's like going to the spa! You'll love it!" All I can say is that Bethany literally held me during my first treatment while I had a horrific panic attack, and worked with me over time until I could remain calm while having over 40 needles put in all over my body. So. Highly recommended. Bethany Leddy. (And yes, it helped tremendously even though I had thought it would be kind of a lot of claptrap.)
This entry reminds me that I haven't even looked for a new doctor since we moved here. Now I know why. Dammit! I have MS in micro and molec. Surely I can manufacture my own penicillin. Right?
Oh god I loved this blog post. Insomnia is such a bitch. Never had a problem with it until after I had my sweet ginger-haired baby. Then my formerly normal ears became able to hear a cat fart within a five mile radius. Ambien worked GREAT. For about a month. Then it worked ok. Then, not really so much at all. But it is so psychologically addicting! And as a nurse practitioner, I should have known better than to take it for more than a short term (1-2 week) period, but as a new mother, I was DESPERATE for sleep. It took about 2 weeks to get my sleep back to normal post-ambien. A miserable two weeks.
Sorry that you had such a bad health care experience. It's a shame. When I was still practicing, I called EACH patient 3 days after their visit to check on their status. Honestly, I've never had a doctor's office to that for me. It takes effort, but it really makes a difference to patients.
Hope you find your answer soon and get some rest!
Angela, my doc in new jersey did that! Oh, how I loved him.
OH, I have been on the Trazodone bus and I agree, absolutely no fun. I felt like a car accident/hangover victim after taking it. In the nuthatch, no less!! They gave it to me at one or two a.m. or so, to "help me sleep" (I have never needed that help at that time of night) and then woke me up a few hours later, even though they had just given me something for sleeping. It was, to say the least, nonsensical.
Best of luck with the melatonin & acupuncture and stuff, not sleeping is awful and I feel for you!!
I know I'm not the first person to mention depression and melatonin, but I just wanted to let you know that when I told my psychiatrist I was taking it to help me sleep, he said that it causes depression and was pretty adamant about me not taking it (and not because he wanted to prescribe me something instead). I think anything's worth a try, though, just be mindful of that.
Oh, Alice. Ugh. The insomnia thing sucks. I, too, cannot go anywhere near a glass of wine during the work-week without major anxiety. In the middle of the night. Over nothing. I haven't tried melatonin, but I've been thinking about it. You know what else I like to take when I'm worried I will have trouble falling or staying asleep? Benadryl. The allergy med. Just one, 30 minutes before bed. No grogginess as long as I can sleep for at least 7 or so hours. Lately, I've been struggling with allergies, asthma AND anxiety, which is doing a number on my sleep. I'm calling it Triple-A syndrome. O_o
PS, I love acupuncture, but I don't know that it helped me sleep.
OK.
I'm just going to tell it to you flat out. Just like that.
It's beyond a blog crush with you.
I am sitting here laughing out loud, and looking UGLY I'm laughing so loud.
I love this world of yours.
Relating? Yes, that's part of it.
But the bit about purposely suppressing your pulse.
I'm DYING here...so much, that I don't want to turn off the computer and go to bed.
I just want to read it again.
Please, Alice? A book of essays ? For your readers out here? You could call it, "Alice Bradley, notes from the beyond: "I told you I was sick."
I LOVE YOU.
P.S. I had no trouble with trazadone OTHER than it made me not care about anything at my job.That feeling lasted until about 2 p.m.
You've had lots of advice, I will recommend Melatonin and Valerian. But...please have your Magnesium levels checked. I started Magnesium Citrate (for another reason) and have found that one of the pleasant side effects for me is better sleep patterns. You could safely start magnesium citrate supplements if you are comfortable you have healthy kidneys. There is a powder form (called CALM) that you can add to water - I prefer the pills. You'll probably need to call a few health food stores to find them.
I've been an insomniac for as long as I can remember. Fun times, when you're in FOURTH GRADE. Ugh. Anyway, I have yet to see a doctor about it because I have a... thing about doctors. Not quite a phobia, but an unpleasant sort of anxiety. And even though I write down all my Issues before I go to a routine checkup, I get all nervous, and I forget I even have a list, much less what's on it.
Anyway. I've devised a sort of cocktail that works for me. A couple of hours before bed, I take about a quarter of a Unisom tablet. NOT a capsule. The tablets are actually a completely different drug, doxylamine succinate, instead of whatever is in Benadryl, which makes me twitchy and neurotic. If I take a full Unisom, it does the job too well. It knocks me on my ass immediately, and then about four hours later I sort of wake up but not really, and then have insane fever-like dreams for the rest of the night and feel groggy for the next ten hours. My small children really appreciate that. So. About 1/4 tablet of Unisom a couple hours before bed.
Then, just before I turn out the light, I take two melatonin tablets. By itself, melatonin is completely useless. I seriously envy all the people for whom it's effective, but for me it's only useful for helping me stay asleep. It does nothing for actually getting there.
I still need something better than that, but for now it works. I mostly get good nights' sleep except in the week before my period, where I have the most insanely anxious fever dreams every single night and want to kill myself and everyone around me. So. That's a problem for which I need to find something better. But what I do now is perfect about 80% of the time.
You are SO FUNNY! I love the way you write. You are an inspiration! (Sorry to post this comment on something about your health... I know health is no laughing matter. But the doctor's "doll fingers"!?!?! HILARIOUS!)
so--what? Wine in the morning then? We need to develop a schedule.
The Empress up there wants you to write a book of essays, but I'm thinking you need to write a novel. Right away. You have voice to burn.
Pretty good post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed reading your blog posts. Any way I'll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you post again soon.
I have the same issue periodically and it just sucks. I know that adding to the unsolicited advice is probably unhelpful, but I just had this conversation with my doctor the other day and got a new med that I'm trying, so I thought I would share. Every year at this time, I go into a complete anxiety and panic spiral--I'm a teacher, and I love my job, but this time of year just does it to me. Intellectually, I know it will pass and it always does, but it's a physical manifestation of the stress that I can't seem to manage without chemicals. I've found that Lunesta and/or Ativan are my best friends during these bouts. Typically, half an Ativan with a warm bath and an early, quiet bedtime, along with a white noise machine app. on my iphone, is all it takes. I do this for a week before school starts and probably for the first week as well. After that, I only take either of these as needed.
Obviously this is a recipe for an acute anxiety/insomnia issue, not a chronic one. I find that when it goes on for a while, I need a few nights of Lunesta to break the cycle. But, if I'm honest with myself, there are a number of very easy things that I can do that increase the odds of falling and staying asleep on any given night--no caffeine in the afternoon, no alcohol, no eating after 6pm, warm bath or hot shower at bedtime, no tv at bedtime--only reading, really, really dark room, and the white noise machine. I know it makes me sound like a loon, but if I'm consistent with these, the meds become less frequent of a need.
All of that said, I did get a prescription this time for Estazolam, because my insurance no longer covers Lunesta. I've used it for the past 2 nights and while I slept well, I did feel really groggy in the morning. Had my kids not woken me up at 5 and had I gotten a full 8 hours, it probably would have been ok. It scares me a little b/c it can be addictive, but if I'm smart about it and only take it at times like these, I think it will be ok. But that Trazadone--awful, migraine inducing, nightmare--never again.
Much luck. I relate so much to your issues re: diet and depression/anxiety--I think it's something that afflicts many women in their late 30's/early 40's--I hear it again and again from friends, and I have to believe that the modern world, expectations, pace, media input, motherhood--all of it, is just too much for some of us who are more sensitive (my psych calls us "cheap dates"--doesn't take much to throw the whole system out of whack...). Keep going with your quest to take care of yourself, mind and body. You help others by sharing your experience, probably more than you know.
I can't even begin to express how amused I was at the idea that you are "Alice Bundles." Made. My. Day.
I'm with your husband. When you have back pain and a headache, on top of the insomnia, you should see a dr. And I'd even propose getting a second opinion to "Ambien?" Or maybe another dr. would be a first opinion, as I doubt a question counts as an opinion.
If you didn't have pain, I'd second the recommendations for 5htp, melatonin, and Advil PM. All have worked for my occasional insomnia.
I am very late to this party of unsolicited advice; but let me just say that I heart Ambien!!
I have been plagued by insomnia for years and the only nights I sleep well are the ones assisted by Ambien. I truly dislike the hangover from diphenhydramine and always fail to remember to take it ahead of time. I take Ambien when I go to bed, it works quickly and the next morning I wake up clear headed!
I've also had Lunesta and it leaves a really unpleasant taste in your mouth. :(
I think she sucks. Question mark?
I tried melatonin once and it was like a horse tranquilizer. No thanks. So I tried valerian root (capsules) on advice from a trusted friend and it works perfectly for me. Smells like dirty socks, which is bad, but it's very gentle, non habit-forming, and will put you right to sleep but not give you a hangover the next day. No side effects. It can also be taken as a muscle relaxant, like if you have muscle knots in your neck, shoulders or back. I don't know if it can be taken with medication, but since it's a root, seems like it should be OK? My friend and her husband are health nuts, very holistic, vegan, organic, abhor drugs etc -- so I always ask her about what to use and her tips do seem to usually work for me.
P.S. -- the Valerian root: my friend recommended Nature's Way brand, which is what I use and like.
I have paid attention to, thank you for sharing!
Your life is so clearly NOT like a box of chocolates right now. And the fact that the previous sentence makes absolutely no sense only further proves my point.
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