It's all right to cry
July 11, 2011
Amazingly, I never sang this song, not even in the raw footage.
Speaking of crying, we dropped Henry off at sleepaway camp yesterday. To clarify: the crying was not coming from him. It was right over here. From me. Specifically, my eye region. Raindrops from my eyes!
I did not, however, cry in front of him, because I knew it would upset him. So for instance, the night before he left when he walked back into the room and I was all red-eyed and sniffly I insisted that I had some crazy ALLERGIES and it was all ALLERGIES SHUT UP, but then he ruffled my hair and blew me a kiss as he walked out of the room, so I don't think I was fooling him even a little bit.
When we said goodbye at the camp (SOB) he was mopey and didn't want to look at us. I was ready to cry right then, but I exhibited some self-control, which was a good thing because we had to return a few minutes later to chat with his counselor. At which point we caught him having fun with the other kids in his cabin. I'm sure he'll be just fine. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through the next two weeks. I have to keep re-reading the camp brochure, which lists all the fun activities that are going on there, none of which are "crying because your parents abandoned you in the woods" or "brutal ceaseless hazing."
Reader Comments (44)
When we picked up my kid from his first week of sleepaway camp, he announced on the way home, "You know, I didn't really miss you at all." Um, yay?
I admire your bravery, tears and all. Also, only bad, cold and heartless mothers would willingly leave their children in the forest without rocks or a breadcrumbs. You did pack extra moon-glow pebbles in his steamer trunk, right?
I am such a wussbag that I choked up when my husband dropped my kid off for swim lessons for the first time today. He mentioned that my soon-to -be- 4 year old had to bring a backpack. The thought of that small person holding a backpack (I mean, all he brings to preschool is a freaking Sponge Bob lunch box), ready to do, I don't know, Big Boy things-- well, it made me want to drive into a telephone pole immediately.
My husband gets him in half an hour. I hope Nicky doesn't come home all adult and crap. [Assumes fetal position]
I am the only person who went to sleep-away camp and did not have a good time. I told my parents the counselors stepped on my hands when I tried to hang on to the edge of the pool while they were teaching me to swim. Later on they discovered I had scoliosis and couldn't tread water AT ALL. Fucking counselors from hell.
I was a counselor at a YMCA sleepaway camp in the Adirondaks for a couple of summers. The parents always had a harder time saying goodbye than the kids. They adapt and make new friends incredibly fast. The few kids who were homesick generally snapped out of it after a day or two. The ones who held out were usually doing it for all the extra attention they got from us counselors. When we left them alone they were great. I loved camp. Wish I was joining Henry this summer!
Well, I think it's okay to cry. Sometimes, crying is the response to what life has to offer. Plus, I've heard it releases toxins! (Whatever that means.) So, in theory, crying is good for you.
And how better to show your kids that it's okay to cry, than to be able to cry in front of them? Certainly, it seems better than trying to deny feelings they can tell you have-- creating some weird disconnect between what they experience and what they're told.
On the other hand, I think crying as an attempt to manipulate your children through guilt isn't a good thing to do-- but that's sort of obvious, and not really what you're talking about, I don't think. And for me, a woman who cries at the drop of a hat, I can see the benefit of trying to save tears for when they genuinely seem warranted (like when you're saying goodbye to your son for a while, when he goes off to camp-- you're just crying because you'll miss him. Nothing wrong with that.)
I think you need to recognize, as you do, that your crying can be very upsetting for your child, and deal with it accordingly. If someone dies, it's okay for them to see you cry because they'll understand why you are sad. If you're furious about something that you can't explain to them (e.g., if your husband cheated on you), then you'd better hold it in as best you can or at least come up with an explanation that isn't threatening to their world. In other words, be sensitive to the effect that your tears will have on your child.
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I cry in front of my kids which, I think, turned out to be a good think when something truly horrible happened that impacted my six-year-old. A classmate of his died tragically and my husband and I both cried A LOT. We also told him he'd be seeing a lot of people crying and that it was completely normal. I wrote a bit about it here (http://smallredsneakers.weebly.com/1/post/2011/06/loss.html) but I think the fact that we are pretty open in front of our boys about our emotions and working through them helped us in a very difficult situation.
Why yes, I do believe it is perfectly acceptable to act like a normal human being in front of kids. Hey! People cry! No biggie. When my kids cry, I hug and comfort them. The times I've cried in front of my kids (granted, not that often), they've hugged and comforted me.
I, too, grew up with non-crying parents, and it seemed to make a certain part of our relationship inaccessible. Like you, I want my boys to be comfortable with their own and other's tears.
I can't get over that he ruffled your hair and blew you a kiss. Awesome kid.
Graham (my eldest) went to camp for the first time yesterday, too. He's EIGHT. And I CRIED. And he rubbed my back.
Hugs, lady.
I loved summer camp and went, then worked at one, for twelve years! It was an awesome YMCA camp in Wisconsin, but I hear there are good ones all over the place. Henry will have an amazing time - and yes, I agree with the folks who've said the parents are generally more upset than the children.
I also cry in front of my kids because I have very little control over my tears - I try not to be out of control about it (i.e. If I have many difficult days in a row) but I agree that showing them how to work through an emotion is what is important.
This is totally not related to the video, but your hair looks AWESOME. Particularly with that yellow necklace.
Oh, it IS related, Shosh. IT IS. (And thank you!)
I'm with you on this one, Alice. Are there really people who think it's not okay to cry in front of your kids, ever? How is that even possible?
I am in the middle of a blog post about this very subject. Spooky! Spooky psychic Alicepants!
I like to think of Mommy Tears as heavenly rain, anointing my children's heads, creating supercompassionate beings with no need for expensive detangling sprays.
Seriously, my children wouldn't recognize me if they didn't find me bawling at least twice a month. It would be terribly disturbing if I changed my demeanor now. I'm offended! Offended by non-criers! What is WRONG with people?
Hi. I love you.
Alexander has been away for one whole week at sleepaway camp now and I miss him so MUCH! I figure this is preparation for the "it will be here before I know it" permanent absence of my darling boy from home. I am checking the camp web site obsessively for photos and waiting for the self-addressed, stamped envelope that is apparently not coming in the mail. It's hard! But important for them, and I remember how I adored camp when I was a kid. I am sure Henry is having a fantastic time (and secretly missing you too - his mopiness was probably anticipatory Mom & Dad missing incognito) xoxo Shwen
First let me just say, if I were Rosie Greer I might cry at some of those camera angles. They could've shot Twiggy from some of those angles and she'd look like she was pregnant with twins Wookies.
As per the tears. Kids need to know we're human AND that they can count on us. So cry yes, but not like a wailing vortex of madness who will never return from the brink. Unless you're in your closet with Ho Hos to drown out the noise.
All right to cry? I cry all the time, and if it's not all right I'm fucked. Ergo: it is great to cry. And if you do it in front of your kids, they are extra nice to you (for a while, anyway).
I was a camper and later a counselor at a YMCA sleep-away camp - best time of my life! H is so lucky, I can't wait until my baby is old enough to go.
Of the four blogs I enjoy most, three of you have kids away at camp or visiting relatives. Out here in California we do day camp, not sleepaway camp. I would tear up too if my babies was away for weeks at a time. Still, I admire your unselfishness in letting Henry go. I'm sure it will be a great expierence.
It damn well better be OK to cry in front of your child because I do it a LOT. A couple times a week at least. Of course, some of those times are from happiness, or rather that weird happy/sad/time-is-fleeting feeling that is as endemic to parenthood as is the opposite feeling (not "they grow up so fast" but "why the hell is this taking so long?")
God forbid he catches a fish...give the kid a a break....from you and dad.
Joan: what?