It’s the little things.

So Friday my family went to Italy. The whole Italy trip is a complicated and dangerous subject, and I won’t get into it! You can’t make me! The bottom line is they all went and I did not. Which I thought I was totally over because after all I had six months to get used to the idea; they were going on my birthday (well, okay, two days before) and I was a little sad about that, but it’s not like I usually see my family members on my birthday anyway, so whatever. When they originally made these plans I hadn’t known we were going to move, so feeling set apart from them in our New New Jersey-ness didn’t help my feelings about the trip, and on my birthday I found that I was perhaps more upset about it than I had anticipated (read: wept until I thought I might throw up). And yes, I know, we moved two hours away, it’s not like we live in Alaska, OMG GET OVER YOURSELF, but wow, I felt sorry for myself that day.

And that night! I started losing my hearing! And by Monday morning my right ear was throbbing and shooting pains were radiating into my brain and also! Peeing felt like I was being stabbed in the pelvic region, and we all know what that means, don’t we, girls? So I call my nice New Jersey doctor, who calls in antibiotic drops for my poor ear and antibiotics for my poor bladder and I stagger around yesterday feeling like a steaming pile of dung, but as I pointed out to my husband, at least I can’t hear my screams when I’m trying to pee!

I woke up today fully expecting to 1) feel better and 2) there’s no #2, but in fact my bladder feels worse, and I went to see my doctor! And he says! That! I need another antibiotic for my ear because I have a more serious infection than he previously thought, and that it seems my bladder infection might be resistant to these antibiotics, and I really should see a female urologist as I get bladder infections if I look at a cup of coffee or if I even say the word “tampon,” and I’m sitting on the examining table hearkening back in my mind to my bladder surgery when I was ten, and please oh pleeease don’t make me do that again, and I want my mommy! But I don’t tell the doctor that! Because I think he would have climbed on a plane to go get her!

But then I was waiting in the waiting room (where you wait) for the doctor to provide me with yet another passel of prescriptions (does my local pharmacist believe that I have the clap? Oh, yes he does) and while I’m waiting, the man sitting next to me is talking on his cell phone about his medical problem. And he says, “I’m calling about my swollen bone.”

And I started to laugh. And I couldn’t stop. I’m hiding behind More magazine (because I’m not over 40 yet, but it’s only a THREE YEARS AWAY) and he keeps saying it. “I’m just not getting relief with this swollen bone. This swollen bone is really a distraction for me. I’d really appreciate it if you could get your hands on my swollen bone.”

He didn’t really say that last part, but my god—thank you, sir. I’m sure your condition is painful, but it brought me joy.

Comments

[Terri]

So why didn't you go to Italy? I missed that part.

[jennster]

and you ditched out on italy WHY?!??!

[Bethiclaus]

I get UTIs over everything too. They suggest a urologist to me and then I promptly stopped complaining about how frequently I get UTIs because I am scared.

[alice]

Didn't ditch. Let's not discuss Italy, please.

[anja]

Being alone and sick is awful. Poor you. Sounds like you should force some of your New York friends to come out and keep you company! And bring you presents. Hope you feel better soon.And happy birthday too!

[MelanieinOrygun]

Little things? Jeez, lady. I don't care how mild it is, a -bleeping- UTI (? Or bladder infection?) is pretty much the most un-fun thing in the Universe.You have my sympathy. Or you had it, for two seconds, until you made me snort-gurgle in my office over Mr. Swollen Bone.

[jes]

I know, you're distressed about Italy and we just can't get it out of our minds. Indulge us! Tell us! No Italy, why?

And, Swollen Bone? Was he talking about that swollen bone, or an actual swollen bone? Heeehee! I would have laughed, too.

[Heather]

And your post has brought me joy on an otherwise rough day. Thanks.

[candace]

The only thing I have to say about Italy is this: the bottom line is the most important thing. You didn't go, they did, and that SUCKS. It's okay that you cried; I would have. And then add all the throbbing and burning? Not in a good way? Double SUCKS. I had an ear infection once that ended up bursting through my eardrum. No fun. I hope you're feeling better soon.

[Annie]

I wonder what the prescription is for a swollen bone? And what will his pharmacist think?

[Heather]

And I hope you feel better soon. :-)

[Moxie]

Please tell me he was there because he'd had a swollen bone for more than four hours.

[Sheryl]

You know what I like best about you, Alice Bradley? You make me giggle.

[Jennifer]

Well, there's this: You COULD have discovered you had ear and bladder infections in the middle of a transatlantic flight. And then had to find drugs and medical care in a foreign country where you don't speak the language. And all.

[Terry]

"I'd really appreciate it if you could get your hands on my swollen bone."

He SHOULD have said that! He may as well have. As one radio commercial for Bud Lite says:"Discussing your cousin's intestinal troubles at dinner? Unacceptable. Discussing your cousin's intestinal troubles at dinner on your cell phone? Perfectly acceptable." (Or something like that).

You are hilarious, as always.

[Robin in San Jose]

If you talk upon the phone,About the pain of swollen bone,Don't expect that others who,Are sitting in the room with you,To allow you converse alone.

http://gumballino.blogspot.com/

[Valarie]

I cried when my family went to Florida without me on my birthday. Italy might make me suicidal.

[Shellby]

First, I laughed because bones don't swell. And I thought that was funny. Then, THEN! I realized what else swollen bone could mean and I really laughed. Loud. Waking up my toddler. It was so worth it, though.

[ChristyD]

OMG, I can't stop laughing about the guy on the phone. Thanks for giving me the giggles.

[Velma]

And thank you, Alice, for bringing the joy to us. This happens to be the week I get to explore my own medical freakitude via x-rays and testing. Now I'm gonna be sooooo tempted to tell people I'm limping because of my "swollen bone".

[Miss Fire]

What is it with the damn UTIs lately? I've had one for three months now. And don't feel bad - my pharmacist thinks I've got the clap, too.

At least my bone isn't swollen.

[Leah]

Unsolicited UTI advice to follow:As a fellow suferer and former bladder surgery recipient (age 2 - first memories of my life - it sucked!), here's what I do to stay away from the urologist & antibiotics: drink water - especially with the requisite cocktails that parenting requires, swallow handfulls of cranberry pills (not the juice) at the first sign of a UTI, yes, handfulls, finally, keep Uristat on hand for any discomfort you experience while waiting for the cranberry pills to kick in. The most important thing, however, is to pee immediately after sex. Someone should have told me that when I was younger, but apparently they don't think to mention that to girls in their early teens. Live and learn. In summary, water, cranberry pills, Uristat, pee.

[Jerri Ann]

Ok, I"m curious, why didn't you go to Italy? And, secondly, you need to get that UTI seen about because I've let it go before and ended up in bad shape girl, really bad. I had to have surgery to cauterize my bladder it was so bad. Anyway, that's my advice.

[Sandee]

People! Enough with the Italy questions - let. it. go.

Ahem. Just sayin'.

Hopefully, Mr. S. Bone got some anti-Viagra for that condition.

Feel better soonest, Alice.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

My friend, now stationed with hubs in England, was in Venice for Memorial Day weekend. I shook my fist at the screen.

Drink cranberry, eat beats, and lay off the rabbit for a little while.

:)