Like rain on your wedding day
March 16, 2009Last week I found a suspicious mole on my side, which I knew was malignant. What else could it be? Everything's going swimmingly; therefore, I am dying. That's logic. Or is it irony?
Scott and I were watching television when I found it. I don't know why I was feeling myself up. Clearly the television wasn't entertainment enough. I had developed this scabby, crusty thing on my side a few months ago, and then I forgot about it--if only she had taken care of it when it was first discovered, she might have had a chance--and there I was on the couch and I revisited the mole and it was significantly larger and crustier. "Holy crap, I'm dying," I told Scott. "Look."
He looked. "I'm sure you're not dying," he said.
"How do you know I'm not dying? Do you have a medical degree? Can you positively tell me this isn't cancer? Don't lie to a dying woman."
"If you're so worried," he suggested, "go see a dermatologist."
I knew he would say that. We've been married ten years, and he's become so predictable, with his calmness and his rationality. It's unbearable. But it was 9 p.m., and I needed answers. I needed answers right then and there.
"The Internet!" I cried. "The Internet will provide reassurance!"
"Alice, do not," Scott commanded. "No. Don't. No google. This will not end well."
I opened my laptop.
"Stop it. Close the laptop. This is just going to scare you. Stop."
"You don't understand. This time the Internet will provide useful information. I am sure of it."
"No. The Internet will only give you lies and panic. Stop."
But I googled, people. I googled the shit out of this mole. Scott feebly protested but I kept it up—I googled "crusty mole" and "mole that peels" and "mole that's suddenly larger and also I just moved and I'm almost 40 and never had a skin check and my name is Alice Bradley please tell me I'm not dying." I googled and I googled and I googled some more.
And the Internet told me that I was almost certainly nearing death. It was too late for me. I was not long for this world.
"I guarantee you're fine," Scott kept saying.
How does he know? the Internet asked. He's just trying to shut you up so he can go back to watching his show. Which, by the way, is nearing cancellation. I can tell you all about that, if you just google. Stick with me, you poor dying creature. I know everything.
"You must marry again," I wept all over Scott's shoulder. "Promise me."
"Oh my god, you are so insane," he answered.
He's going to regret saying that when he knows the truth. The truth that I have shared with you. There is no space/time on the Internet. I know all and see all.
I went to sleep that night knowing that I might not wake up the next day, but then I did, which was nice. I made an appointment with a dermatologist because I'm crazy but not that crazy. The bottom line is that I am whiter than anyone, and I should have started having my skin checked years ago. And now she would go for her skin check, only to discover that it was Too Late.
Only it wasn't too late. The dermatologist looked at the mole and declared that it was nothing, or rather that it was something but an insignificant something, some kind of keratosis something-or-other.
"I hate to tell you how to do your job," I told him, "but if you'll just google this, I think you'll see that it's quite serious indeed."
Then he started bragging about his experience and his medical degrees, I don't know, I wasn't listening. It was sinking in: I wasn't going to die after all? What? Scott didn't have to marry again?
"So you're telling me I don't have cancer?" I said, and he said that's right, you're fine, but come in every six months because you're crazy-pale and your family history is etc. and also SPF whatever everyday and broad-brimmed hats blar de blar.
And when I ran outside to call Scott to tell him he didn't need to look for a potential wife I was mowed down by an out-of-control delivery truck carrying a shipment of high-SPF sunscreen.
Well, no, I wasn't. But if I had, that would have been irony.
Reader Comments (75)
Not to fan the flames of worry - but get a second opinion or have it taken off "just to be safe". It's no biggie to have something removed (at this point in my life I've had 10+ other 'spots' taken off - all 'clear' of anything bad).
Doctors don't everything.
I'm a pediatrician who gets annoyed by people who come in with their "Google Degree" and won't believe when I tell them something different than what they've read.
And at the same time I've been known to google my kids symptoms or my own all the while knowing exactly what will come up since I've studied "limp in toddler" and know every hit will be leukemia. And then still being scared by what I read. :)
I have learnt to always put the words "common cause" into the search-line and then the results are much more reassuring.
When I do this, I tell my husband that when he remarries (we have 3 little kids), she HAS to be sweet. I don't care if she's even that smart just as long as she is SWEET to my kids. Sort of the same standard I have for my dog--she's not too clever but she's as sweet as pie. And that's how we like her.
Keep up the good work!
When I was 24 I noticed a mole that seemed not right, and went to the dermatologist - he removed it and another, both of which ended up being "abnormal" and would have become melanoma. It's scary stuff and I get my skin checked every six months now. It's definitely worthwhile to get looked at even just for the "feeling" that something's not right.
Google is not a hypochondriac's friend. Take it from me - every time I forget something I am looking up early onset alzheimers and whether I might be the first ever 40 year-old to have it. It's not pretty.
DH had one of those on his back and I kept nagging him to get it removed. He at least had our doctor look at it regularly and she said it was nothing every time but measured it and pronounced it benign. Finally she said why didn't he just have it removed so I'd quit nagging him about it? So he did, and she was right, it was nothing.
Then I got a similar thing on my back (and it was in a spot where I couldn't examine and obsess over it personally) so I asked her about that one. Same thing. These keratoses things are nothing to worry about unless they bleed and stuff as the previous commenter said.
Great blog it tickled me no end.xxxxxxx
by: sphin