All right, all right.
Listen, I didn't really want to put up pictures because I'm pretty sure someone's going to get all mad about my stupid face. I don't take these comments seriously, as I am perfectly aware that I am a vision, but it does give me pause. My appearance seems to anger people so. You may recall--and if you don't I will remind you--that last year, when I was on the Today show, a thoughtful reader told me that all she could see was my "enormous ass and teeth."
But this is only my hair, so at least you will all be spared my ass. And of course the teeth. The misshapen, unfortunate teeth.
The first thing I learned, while trying to take pictures of my gray hairs, is that it's harder than it seems like it should be. The light in my bathroom's all buttery and lovely but it doesn't work when you're trying to show the horrible divide between the graying roots and the oxidizing awful of the rest of it. Here's my first try. Where are the gray hairs? They're right...right there! Oh, can't you see?!
A little closer, reluctantly. I wasn't really anticipating a close-up.
Okay, look over here, it's really gray--no? Crap. It really is. Damn it.
Fine, I'll lower my head. THERE. Now do you see?
Here's the back of the head (look, you people asked for these), where you can't see anything at all. Take my word for it, it's gray. Darker than the front, but definitely a steel-gray kind of thing.
The other side. Because my hair is longer on top than the sides, the gray's way more apparent around the ears. Which I like to think makes it look like I have a coppery toupee squatting on my head.
Now I'm looking up even more. I'm so whimsical!
In my zeal to expose the white-ness of my roots, this happened.
This is the kind of hair I have: I can yank my hair upward, and it stays. This is an advantage for silly pictures and/or to amuse my son when he's crying, and a disadvantage every morning, in that I wake up with the craziest bedhead ever and if I forget and answer the door, I terrify the meter reader. Jealous?
Now I'm just making faces. But look, in this mirror, you can see the gray hair a little more clearly.
I am the epitome of loveliness.
Finally, just to piss people off: my butt. Sweet fancy Moses, how did anyone let me on television?!
No! No, not the teeth! OH GOD CLOSE THE MOUTH CLOSE IT