Marriage is hard.

Problem: My husband is unreasonable, and I am not.

To wit: he takes issue with my comments regarding his parenting (which is what he calls what he does). I agree that I shouldn’t interfere, but on the other hand what he’s doing is wrong, whereas my way is almost always right. Please note that I changed that last sentence from "always always" to "almost always." Hey, I’m not perfect! I can recognize this.

For instance, this morning I caught him helping our son get dressed. When our son is perfectly capable of getting dressed by himself! So I say, reasonably, “You don’t have to help him, you jerk.” I know this sounds harsh, but “you jerk” is our marriage shorthand for “unless you really think this is a special circumstance, and if it is I respect your opinion, although we both know deep in our hearts that it isn’t, doofus.” We have a few of these marriage-shorthand terms. Although only I use them. My husband is more given to hand gestures. Usually behind my back. (Guess what? We have MIRRORS, doofus.)

I can leave Scott alone when it comes to him mishandling the trivial stuff, but for the big issues, like buttoning, I have no choice but to step in. If I don’t, our son will be twenty and unable to button his pants. He will be chasing the other students around his junior-college dorm, shouting “BUTTON ME.” He will never have a healthy adult relationship wherein he can call his partner names for disagreeing with his parenting style. Because of my interference, someday he will stride confidently about his Ivy-league dorm, never looking down, because he knows—he knows in his heart—that his pants are securely buttoned, and will stay that way, until such time as he unbuttons them himself. That’s the kind of confidence Scott is undermining, people. I am saving my son.

On the other hand, Scott often butts in where he best should leave his trap shut. For instance, Sunday morning I was gently admonishing Henry for acting like a nutcase. This was part of a long-standing debate between the two of us, regarding maintaining a calm and quiet demeanor when the situation warrants it. It was not because I hadn’t had coffee yet and Henry was waving his arms about and shrieking LA LA LA LA while twirling around me. I was not “clutching my head and shrieking.” I was calmly and rationally explaining that I would be happier if he would lower his voice and cease any and all movement. Telling me to “lighten up” was unwarranted. Patting me on the shoulder was clearly condescending, and suggesting that I “take a break” was really too much. And really, kid’s not going to be scarred by a little high-pitched screaming. Who’s the one who really should lighten up? Answer: always him and never me.

I tell you, it’s not easy being a hypocrite.

Comments

[Allyson]

The last paragraph? Totally my life.

I needed this post right now - thanks for the laughs!

[Merry Jennifer]

My marriage is quite similar to yours. I don't understand why my husband can't get that I'm always right. Always. Even when I'm wrong, I'm right. Why are husbands so stupid? Clearly they should just listen and obey, right?

hehe

[kyran]

having two more kids in rapid succession solved this problem for us. once we realized they had us outnumbered, we were able to set aside doctrinal differences and cleave together for survival's sake.

they are winning, but at least we will go down singing Solidarity Forever.

[MomVee]

This is an amazing coincidence. I hate to be sexist, but I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that most husbands are Unreasonable, and most wives are Almost Always Right.

[Anita]

Hey!

Have you been hanging out in our household and stealing our parenting skills?!

[Brian]

Whoa, there, little fillies!There are clearly some cases where husbands are correct. Like yesterday when, um, I, um, I...or last week when I said, um, I said, um, that...or that time over the holidays when there was that thing where, um, where...

Dammit.

[meleahrebeccah]

In leiu of it being "DELURKING" week (or so I've heard, over in blog land) You are supposed to comment on blogs you read all the time but never say anything. I have commented a few times, but I wanted to take the time and let you know even though I don't comment everyday, I READ you all the time, and LOVE THIS BLOG! so, um, thanks.

[Tarin]

Marriage is not hard. You're totally doing it wrong.

[cagey]

On a serious note, it cracks me up how the multi-billion wedding industry spends more time telling you to pick the Perfect Dress to go with that Perfect China Pattern, but provides little in the way of advice for having a Perfect Marriage.

Perfect Marriage? hahahahahahah. Ah, I love me a good oxymoron.

[Karianna]

He LET you "take a break?" instead of fleeing the scene, abandoning you in your moment of misery?

Gosh, Alice, you've got it great!

[Melanie]

Are you videotaping my house and then posting about me pretending it's about yourself? Because there are laws against that, you know.

(I'm so glad I'm not the only psycho out there...)

[Lisa]

I have a husband just like that too! Our shorthand (just like yours, used only by me to him) goes like this - I say "You're such a..." and leave the sentence dangling. Now he probably fills in "perfect husband" in his head but we both know that what I really meant was A**HOLE!

[alice]

Okay, except I was just joking about calling my husband a jerk...

[Karly Campbell]

My husband keeps asking me why I'm laughing, but I don't think he'd find it all that humorous...stupid boys.

[anne nahm]

bu-whahahahahaha! This is wonderful.

My husband doesn't know how close he has gotten to rectally inserted divorce papers when he has come home and said, "this will all look better when you have yourself a little nap."

Like I am some effing kindergardner who ran in circles all day until I threw up.

Instead of what I really am, which is a smart, independant mother of two who ran around in circles chasing kids who ran until they threw up and subsequently is too freaking tired to put up with his bullshit.

So yeah. I hear you.

[betsy]

Paper Napkin says it's De-Lurking week, so I say:

You are fabulous! I laugh out loud practically every time I read it. (And then my husband gives me A Look. That jerk.)I love your blog!

[Abigail]

There should be a law about children going LALALALA before their mothers have had coffee. My four-year-old specializes in that as well.

My husband has yet to tell me to lighten up over it, because he's even worse in the mornings than I am.

Our poor kids.

[ozma]

I seem to have avoided much of this. But I let (some would say 'make' but honestly--it's let! I swear it is let!) my husband do everything and when someone else is doing everything, it's best not to pay too much attention. For the reasons mentioned above--i.e., they are probably screwing it all up and it might be hard not to get annoyed by that. But then you'd have to do something--at least to demonstrate the right way to do the thing. So it's best not to look.

I just wish he didn't eat cereal so loudly for that is the only discordant note in my perfectly harmonious marriage.

But still, try the whole make-your-husband-do-everything technique. It really works!

[ozma]

I meant let.

[jozet]

Our battles are the "safety" battles. I think it's perfectly fine to swing as high as possible and jump off, while watching our daughters do this makes my husband weep. I think he's nuts for taking them into the ocean way past where they can stand or swim safely and holding them and letting tsunamis crash over their heads. He says I'm being a killjoy and was obviously never a child.

What. Ever. Dude.

[Shiri]

My husband have actually conceded that I'm ALWAYS right, but somehow did not work out yet that the practical application of it would be to do as I say, when I say it. doofus.

btw - thanks for introducing me to Looky Daddy!. Been limericking for 24 hours straight.

[birchsprite]

I'm getting married soon.............nobody told me it would be hard.........

*sobs pitifully*

[Sara]

You can handle LALALA after coffee? What brand are you drinking and may I have some?

[RLJ]

My hubby, after 5 years, has conceded that I am Always Right. It helps that every time he is wrong (which is quite a lot, really), I make him say it: "What am I?... What am I? Pardon? LOUDER? SAY IT LOUDER! Ha ha ha, always right, that's me. Not only were you WRONG this time, but you were so wrong to think that I could be wrong!" (optional jig of glee).

Which kinda makes me extra knobbish on those extremely rare ocassions when I am not 100% completely, asbolutely surely right. But they are blissfully few.

But on husbands and parenting and the Whole World just generally being Unfair, what about this? Every time I give my son a row he either throws something on the floor, laughs, bites me or just glazes over. When hubby gives him a row, he goes all mute for like 5 seconds. In toddler time that must be like an entire afternoon.

Boy is 18 months now; let's hope I'm not still writing this when he is 18 years!

[veg4me]

Never underestimate the power of learning to button your own pants.

My 4 year old went off to kindergarten this fall and was told "teachers are for learning, not for helping" when she asked for help when she couldn't get her pants to stay buttoned after using the bathroom.

She's destined for community college, I'm sure.