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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
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Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it.

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« It can now be revealed. | Main | I seem to be rather angry these days. »
Thursday
Jun162005

More about what pisses me off.

Hi! You know what? I sure am annoyed lately! I was just scribbling down some thoughts for Finslippy, and, well, oh dear:

1. Drivers who reluctantly slow down at stop signs and give the pedestrian a testy little wave, as if to say, “I am doing you an enormous favor. Now scurry along before I change my mind and mow you down.” There needs to be a new obscene hand gesture that indicates, “Hey, jackass, guess what? I don’t need your permission. Stop signs aren’t optional so don’t act like you’re so very generous and I should be grateful. And you’re a jackass. Jackass.” I must begin work on this gesture immediately. To the laboratory!

2. The family members who sometimes behave as if they are not fully aware that Henry knows what words mean. They believe, for instance, that as long as they didn’t use the word B-U-G-S to refer to the B-U-G-S that were invading the basement when we arrived for a visit—as my son, you see, has a crippling fear of the B-U-G-S—he would not pick up on something being amiss even when they came tearing ass up from the basement hissing “OH MY GOD THEY’RE EVERYWHERE THEY’RE ALL OVER HIS TOYS.” And when they’re whispering updates to me on the TERROR FROM BELOW while Henry looks up from his Matchbox cars in wide-eyed horror, it should come as no surprise that the remaining hours of our visit are spent with 40 pounds of boy adhered to me via the Four-Pointed Ninja Monkey Vise Grip around my torso and neck.

3. Dear husband: what do you want from me when you shout from the kitchen, “Jesus, what did you clean with this sponge?” Is there some answer I can give you that would be satisfactory? Would you like to hear that I was exfoliating my cleavage? Or do you imagine that I store a mental tally of all the items I have scrubbed clean, so that hours later I can sit back and enjoy the memories? What a thrilling moment, when I finally rid the casserole dish of those baked-on lasagna bits. Ah, life. Anyway, could you not simply toss the dirty sponge and retrieve a clean one from our under-sink bounty of unused sponges? Should I scamper to your side and find you an acceptable sponge as you watch in manly approval?

4. People who refer to their husbands as “Hubs” or the “The Hubster.” All I can say about this is: no. That’s all. Just: no. I know some of you do it. And I like you! I do! But no. You must stop. Do you hear me? No!


To those readers new to Finslippy, I’m not normally this peeved. Truly. Some days I am positively ebullient. But lately, whew, so negative! I’m sure I’ll perk up one of these days, perhaps when everyone begins to behave exactly as I feel they should.

On a possibly related note, my son has been cursing lately. I don’t believe he’s cursing for effect, as he doesn’t check us for a reaction—as he might do before he, say, brains another child with a dump truck. For example: the other day he made himself comfortable on the couch—raisins? Check. Sippy cup? Check— and called out: “Turn on the TV.” Before I could respond, he repeated, “Turn on the damn TV, please.” Well! And then yesterday, as he pulled an oversized book from the shelf, he exclaimed, “Wow—this is a big fucking book!”

I tried my best not to laugh, but I did anyway. Luckily he didn’t notice, as he was hidden behind the big fucking book.

Reader Comments (104)

If it was enough to make your husband say, "Jesus, what did you clean with this sponge?" ... Let's hope it wasn't because you were exfoliating your cleavage... if so, you need to exfoliate more often. ;)
June 16, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterben
Well I know I use my dish sponge for exfoliating my cleavage, what else is it for and why on earth would I want to do my dishes instead?

And speaking as a newbie, you seem perfectly funny and surly to me.
June 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa
Be proud, be very proud. Your child knows how to swear in the proper context.
June 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterLisa V
My daughter's first swear word, at about 20 months, was a quietly muttered "shit" when her block tower fell over. Amazing, that language acquisition thing, isn't it?



June 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterMargie
Holy crap! I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. My friend's 21 month old monkingbird of a child added "goddammit" to her vocabulary very early on. Ahh, there's nothing sweeter than the innocence of youth
June 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterLeez
"Or do you imagine that I store a mental tally of all the items I have scrubbed clean, so that hours later I can sit back and enjoy the memories?"

I may be slightly drunk from these 100 proof vodka tinctures my midwife is making me drink, but I laughed so hard I CRIED over this. Seriously, actual tears streaming down my face. "Ah Life" Bwahahahahahaha!
June 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterVery Mom
I keep trying to teach my daughter to cuss...I say: "Fuck, honey, say fuck!" First she said "cup" and then she said "duck." She's close, she's very close...

"To the laboratory."*

I've been thinking about this signal and I think you should cross yourself and tremble after their wave...sarcastically, of course.
June 16, 2005 | Unregistered Commentermiel
A) Bitter is often goodB) I am so relived that I am not the only person who refers to drivers as "Jackass", though I have had to stop that since the birth of my son.
June 17, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJack's Raging Mommy
"Jackass" is my favorite word. Well, one of them. If I was on the actor's studio I would say "jackass" in the way Jack Black says "jackass" as my favorite curse word. And then I might say, "you know who else uses that word? Finslippy." And then you would be more famous. And Henry would really have to watch his language, because you know what happens to people in the public eye if they say things like "big fucking book."
June 17, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterlis
My daughter is 3 and spent the day with Grammy yesterday. Last night I get a phone call to tell me that *Oh by the way... Your daughter said "Jesus Christ!" while walking down the hallway to the bathroom after being told repeatedly to go use the potty.*

Told Mom that at least she used it in the proper context.

She also was sitting on the couch one day and looked up from playing to see a commercial on Noggin (normally commercial free) and said, *What in the hell is that crap?*

Very funny posts recently.
June 17, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterLiz
I think I would like to have Henry for my very own. Wait! Better yet: you can adopt me. Yes, that's definitely the way to go.
June 17, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterMir
this is exactly the vibe i have been feeling the last few days, albeit toward different targets. my husband is doing all kinds of stupid husband/male kind of things that are just driving me fucking nuts. my three year old is presently the embodiment of testing behavior. my one year old is deciding that she needs to be doing the army crawl all over me in our bed from exactly 3-4:30 AM every night for the last 3 nights. AND NOBODY KNOWS WHAT CUSTOMER SERVICE IS ANYMORE.

i'm having a martini when i get home from work tonight.

keep up the good work-you make me laugh and sometimes i really need that!
June 17, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterelaine
Heatheranne: I was just going to lurk, but you forced me to comment! I laughed SO HARD at your son sending himself an email that only says "fuck." What a rebel!

God, kids are funny.
June 17, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterAlexandrialeigh
Alice, are you sure your husband was addressing you? If I heard “Jesus, what did you clean with this sponge?”, I would have assumed he was talking to the son of God, and just ignored him and his crazy religion talk. Who knew Jesus had a sideline in housecleaning?
June 17, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJ.
I just had to delurk to comment that one of the (many) reasons I love this site is that the comments are often as pee-your-pants funny as the blog itself.
June 17, 2005 | Unregistered Commentersusannah
Things That Piss Me Off.... WHAT A CONCEPT!! I shall begin making my list immediately! TO THE LABORATORY!

BTW, as for Henry's blossoming vocabulary...try having a teenager around who absolutely revels in the educational process of "growing" that evil (but oh-so-functional) glossary among the resident preschoolers....

I've been tempted to hit my 17-year-old over the head with a big fucking book. Could I perhaps borrow Henry's?
June 17, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterPlanet Mom
Yea, I've been hating everything too, lately.People SUCK.I guess the name of my blog is pretty appropriate.
June 17, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterTorrie
LOL. I knew it was time to curb my language the first time we got stuck behind a slow driver and my son - at all of 3 years old or so - belted out, "Fucking GO!"

ooops.

On the other hand - I have thought many times of inventing a horn that would say exactly that. If you tap it twice it would say, "Fucking go, Jackass!"
June 17, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterPJ
First time here. Now I have another fucking blog to add to my must read list. Damn.

(I wonder if my kids will curse?)
June 17, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJG
My stepson after a particularly good haul:

"Look at all these FUCKING BLUEBERRIES!"
June 17, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterelizabeth
Thank Goodness, that someone else's kids swears, too. My daughter went through a swearing phase during which she would, always appropriately, bust out a swear word that would never fail to make us laugh: "Oh shit, my foot slipped off the pedal!" "I just made a big-ass poop!"

Our fears are that she's going to get kicked out of her Christian preschool, someone's going to call Social Services or both.
June 17, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterRobin
I want to pretend to be a troll. Going with the theme of the bad words, I will now use bad words in this comment.

U R FUCKING SO PISSED THAT I USE THE WORD HUBS BECAUSE YOU ARE DUM AND SECRETLY A MAN AND UGGGLY AND UR BLOG SUX

SOME OF US HAVE TO CALL HUBSES HUBS BECAUSE SUM OF US DONT WANT HUBSES TO GET FIRED AND SHIT.

dont you care about other people?????? you are SO CELF SENTERED.



June 17, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterSarcastic Journalist
don't apologize for being peeved!

i like your occasional peevishness!
June 17, 2005 | Unregistered Commentertracy
It has been scientfically proven that cursing in young children is a sign of genius. Ummmm...and I don't know how to say this but the sponge issue makes me think your husband probably didn't cuss much as a child. Sorry to be the one to break the news to you.
June 17, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterFloyd
My three-year-old son dropped his toy and said, "Goddammit, dropped my toy." My husband looked at me and said, "You realize that is all you, don't you?" I do.
June 17, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterSamantha

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