More about...the intruders
July 29, 2011I can just tell that you're all dying to know how Apocalouse 2011 is coming along. And I am dying to tell you.
The update is thus: having read the entire Internet in a matter of hours, I figured out that the best method was the ol' Pantene-conditioner-and-comb shimsham. I mixed in some baking soda, because someone somewhere recommended that, and I figured it couldn't hurt. Baking soda never hurts! And always helps! Is there anything baking soda can't do? I take it for my nerves!
I also ordered this fancy German lice comb, the Nisska, because that's what the pros use. And LICE LAUGH AT AMATEURS.
The first night I combed out my son's hair, it took about two hours, and I spent most of the time crying and screaming. This is not at all true. Actually he watched Pirates of the Caribbean, and I gave Scott significant looks every time I wiped the comb clean and found colonies of nits. But no live lice! So that's something….?
We did it again the next night, and there were definitely far fewer nits. That there were any at all amazes me. But fewer, that's something! Right? Oh, God!
The day after that I checked my own head, and what do you know! Nits! I smashed the apartment until everything was rubble. Then I did the conditioner-and-comb routine on myself. By the way, Pantene smells like the worst perfume you could ever imagine. I'm used to my all-natural, touch-of-rosemary conditioner, and this stuff smells like I'm putting my grandma on my head. Actually both of my grandmas smelled better than Pantene. Scott went out and bought another cheap white conditioner, and what do you know, it smelled just as much like a funeral home. Why?
ANYWAY. Once I found out that I was horribly infested as well, I figured, let's be thorough, and after taking a hefty dose of tranquilizers, I combed out Scott's hair. Need I tell you what I found? I had already spoken to one of the Lice Ladies of Brooklyn, and she was lovely and caring and seemed to think that I didn't particularly need her help, now that I had the fancy comb and the mental illness required to obsessively groom one's family. She had mentioned that men rarely get lice, because of the testosterone. I found this logic specious, to say the least, especially because I know plenty of men--virile specimens all!--who've fallen victim to lice, but while I combed out Scott's hair he was crying like a little girl, so maybe she had a point?
I'm joking, of course. When I showed him the nits in his hair, he merely grunted, poured lighter fluid on his head, and asked where the matches were. Good thing we couldn't find them! It turns out that lice love fire.
So that's where we are now. Tonight we will embark on another family-time combing adventure, while we watch several movies. And we will do the same tomorrow. And the next day. I don't see this ever ending.
Reader Comments (56)
Jeeze, you're funny. Thank goodness.
Still shuddering. If my kids ever give me this particular present, I'm going to freak out.
Oh, man. If you hadn't mentioned grandma on your head I wouldn't be giggling like mad, and my face would be a lot more "aw, that sucks; all my sympathies" than the "heehee, whew"... catch breath thing it's doing now. I'm not meticulous enough to deal and would have to hire one of those dervish lice ladies. Good luck defeating the little bastards.
we had lice a few times & the only thing that got rid of them was vaseline. we smeared a thick layer on our scalps, & up the hair shaft two inches. wrapped our hair in plastic shower caps, & went to bed. the next day we washed the vaseline out with 'dawn' dish soap (it is the only thing that will remove the vaseline). that was it. the vaseline smothered the lice and the eggs. of course, we still needed to delouse the house, to avoid another infestation.
i'm sorry to hear you're family is battling the bugs. good luck!
People who haven't had lice: don't panic! It's not that big a deal, I promise! I'm using what we in the business call COMIC HYPERBOLE.
At least it's not bedbugs OH GOD I SAID THE WORD
This is really disgusting, but when my ten-years-younger brother kept picking up lice from school, the only way I managed to clear them completely was by using hair straighteners. They made the most revolting popping noise. Euurgh.
First of all you used the word "specious" which means the lice haven't bored tiny little lice holes through your scalp into your brain laying their nits in the pre-frontal lobe. Yet. Second, you don't have pin worms. Which come out at night and lay eggs around your anus. So really you're in a glass half full kind of situation.
That sounds really awful. I hope everyone is nit free as soon as possible. As a child I got lice from a sleep away camp so now I'm thinking there is no camp in my children's futures.
Alice, your story reminds me of when I visited out of state cousins who had HUGE LICE crawling all over them and then came home to discover me, Mom, and Dad all had them. I was in fourth grade I think? And we had just moved into a new house, so none of the furniture was set up. We spent our first night in the new neighborhood without furniture alternately taking showers and combing each others' hair, sitting on a bare mattress. My memories of this event are fond, but I suspect they are made rosier with time. I seem to recall my mother reacting a good deal like you are. :) I wish you expedient extermination!
We have it now, as I write this. Me, and my two daughters. For the third time since the spring. Yes, we did get rid of them each time, but we keep getting re-infected from the girls' friends...it seems to be a vicious strain in our neighbourhood.
I was mortified to discover our latest infestation while visiting some out of town friends, and they have three children, so I was all: Thanks for letting us stay with you! Sorry about the lice and depleting your wine stocks! See you next year?
My two cents? Comb, comb, comb. We have tried with and without treatments and it has all been the same. You just have to get all the nits out. Good luck to you my friend.
I love the smell of pantene. I always knew it was a few dollars more than the suave my family always bought, so whenever my suitemate left his pantene in the shower freshman year I would use it and imagine I smelled like a rich person. That's the smell of class, I thought. Now my wife buys $35 basil-nutmeg-pomegranate all-natural salon shampoo and deep down I probably still believe it can't hold a candle to pantene. hopefully your lice aren't lowclass provincial calvinists who think the pantene is a sign of classier digs.
have spent many, many hours picking nits. i use olive oil and a $3 flea and tick comb (the one with metal teeth) from the pet store. cheap ass. effective.
We had a horrible round with them with my daughter. She's got this thick, gorgeous, shiny hair and it was almost impossible to get all of the nits just with the comb. We had a lot of nitpicking parties - well, more like WWF cage matches - and it took months to see the last of those little suckers-with-an-F. I found direct sunlight is the best light to find nits in, they are a tad pearlescent and the sunshine helps you find them easier.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with the scourge!
You know, I must be weird (duh!)....when we found out our son had lice, we were at the pediatrician's office for his well-check, and the pediatrician was so "it's no big deal" that I didn't freak out at all. He gave us a prescription and we skipped happily along. Bagged up the stuffed animals, washed the sheets, reapplied the cream a couple of times, and never actually picked a single nit. It was all in the doctor's delivery that made me not freak out. It was overwith in a short amount of time and we were psychologically unscarred.
I still remember having lice when I was about eight. My mom and I would spend hours outside in the sun, picking all the nits out of my hair. (I heard nits are like little albino's and don't do well in the sun).
Do you think you could give us an "all clear" post or tweet to let us know how close we can come to you at blogher? Wait a second....is this all just a ploy so everyone leaves you alone??
We've only fought the L-battle once and we conquered the dastardly buggers with tea tree oil. We bought the de-lousing kit from the health food store, soaked the kid's long blond locks in the oil, combed away and hey! it worked in one fell swoop. Then my kindergarten teacher friend told me that she regularly puts a few squirts of tea tree oil (which is a natural insect repellant) in her shampoo bottle to ward off the buggers if they happen to hanging about in the classroom.
My head itches from reading this. I'm certain I've contracted lice from your blog. Thanks a fucking lot.
PS: I hope your Operation Eradication is soon successful.
My head started itching just reading this. ((shudder))
Don't forget to wash every single article of clothing in ALL your dressers, vacuum every surface in the house (and the car!) and quaranteen all stuffed animals for three weeks. In other words, it's your new full time job.
Oh no! If it helps, your writing made me crack up, with your incredible wit in even the most icky of situations...
Oh, Alice. This sucks so bad, but your coverage of it is really hilarious. I do love the image of you smashing your apartment to rubble and Scott lighting his head on fire. You'll look back and realize this brought on some great writing.
*ducks*
We live in Israel and it's just assumed that every child either has lice or gets it. All of the time. Something about living in the city that was once a desert super hot Middle-Eastern country just lends itself to lice. My almost 3 year old has had it twice and both times I opted for the toxic chemicals/specialty comb route, though now I'm sort of feeling guilty about the chemicals but DIE LICE. Here they don't send kids home from school if they have lice, b/c about 25 other kids probably have it : ) Anyways, apparently lice detest the smell of rosemary, so I bought special rosemary anti-lice shampoo, conditioner and spray de-tangler. But - a friend of mine just bought rosemary essential oil and then dabbed a dot on the temples and the hairline to prevent lice.
I really feel as though I've contracted lice by reading this. I KNEW reading this blog would get me someday!
My mother has never let me try on a hat in a store. I was never allowed to share combs and sleepovers gave her high anxiety. In hindsite, we did have 4 girls in our house and we never got lice. I think that would have been her final straw. (did I mention that I am now 40?)
Good luck and God speed in getting rid of the white menace.
Oh, how I feel for you. 2 years ago, I had a 2.5 y/o daughter with crazy thick, long hair with a abhorrence for having her hair touched with anything resembling a brush, a 2 m/o nursling son, and a husband who screams like a sissy girl and threatens to douse himself in bleach at the mere mention of lice. I had never had lice...until 2 years ago. That was a fun time, having my phobic husband comb bugs and nits out of my hair. We used the DIE LICE DIE poison kit twice, two weeks apart. A few days after the last poisoning, I found a live bug on my daughter's head. Our pediatrician suggested the Nuvo method, which is basically soaking the head and every strand of hair in Cetaphil skin cleanser, combing the eff out of it, and then blow drying it on your head until there isn't a smidgen of moisture left. Then you leave it on for 48 hours or something like that. No more bugs, so if we ever get lice again we will be using the Cetaphil. Can't hurt to try?? Much luck to you guys. Here's a link to the Cetaphil/Nuvo method http://www.nuvoforheadlice.com/
oh man, I can't believe you didn't just buzz his head! anyway, I've heard that lice can't stand the smell of tea tree oil. mix a few drops of that in your bottle of shampoo, and you're good to go. supposedly.