Nothing to see here

It was four weeks yesterday that I had the miscarriage, and it's a milestone that's whapped me upside the head. I'm not doing so well, folks. Who knew? I thought by now I'd be moving on, and instead I'm right back where I started. I'm hoping that with therapy and time and some helpful pharmaceuticals, I will regain the ability to move through the day and its many challenges without crying or  unleashing my rage at some unwitting bystander (oh, my poor husband).  If posting is somewhat light over the next couple of weeks, you won't stop coming here, will you? Of course you won't. Stop nodding like that.

I've tried to respond to all the amazing emails I've received, but some have slipped through the cracks. And I'm realizing that taking care of myself might mean not spending hours giving back to everyone who was kind enough to open up to me. So if you don't get a response, please know that your email (and/or comment) was read and appreciated, and that I would write a response if I weren't so busy watching "What Not to Wear" episodes and staring at my hands. I lead a rich, full existence.

But did you know? I actually managed to compose my Alphamom column for last week, somehow. And that's not all! As you may have noticed over on the right-hand column, over there, I'm in the anthology "Sleep is for the Weak," (the best title ever in the history of anthologies, if you ask me) edited by the infinitely capable Rita Arens. I'm proud to be in such excellent company, and so glad that Rita persevered in her quest to get this book out. I can't wait to read it.

Comments

[Wendy]

Oh, Alice. Hang in there. It will get better.

[Kimberly C]

Again, my thoughts are with you. You take all the time you need, I will still check back here every day, seeing if you are ok. Much love from someone you don't even know, who rarely comments-Kim

[Katia]

heh, you're on my feedburner... no escaping. :) stay well.

[witchypoo]

That's what feed readers are for. It took me awhile before I realized that you could just click on the icon in the address bar to get your feed, but whenever you update, I will get it now.

[Rita Arens]

I'm not sure you can rush grief. Don't be too hard on yourself. Take pity on your inner Alice - she's been through a rough spot.

[s]

It took about nine months after the first miscarriage for me to stop wanting to kick people in the head, weep when I saw women who were as pregnant as I would have been, or watch Love Actually for the trillionth time until I fell into blissful sleep. (You don't feel so bad when you sleep. Usually.) It took less time after the second one. Somehow one day I just felt unaccountably, irrationally cheerful. And then not. And then irrationally happy again. I've managed to convince myself (sort of) that now that I'm halfway through the third pregnancy, we're in the safe zone, but sometimes the sadness of the other miscarriages hits me and I sit on the couch, or in the car, or staring out the window, weeping. Of course, these days, the toast not being the right toasty-ness also makes me cry, so who can say? I don't know how I got from there to here. Time, and love, and support, and time, and ... I guess one day I just woke up and remembered, oh, yes. tea! I love tea. and sunshine. and morning glories blooming outside the kitchen window. and birds chattering in the trees... That, and the occasional fantasy of kicking people in the head.

Wishing you tea and unexpected sunshine and blooming flowers and birds chattering outside your window.

[s]

It took about nine months after the first miscarriage for me to stop wanting to kick people in the head, weep when I saw women who were as pregnant as I would have been, or watch Love Actually for the trillionth time until I fell into blissful sleep. (You don't feel so bad when you sleep. Usually.) It took less time after the second one. Somehow one day I just felt unaccountably, irrationally cheerful. And then not. And then irrationally happy again. I've managed to convince myself (sort of) that now that I'm halfway through the third pregnancy, we're in the safe zone, but sometimes the sadness of the other miscarriages hits me and I sit on the couch, or in the car, or staring out the window, weeping. Of course, these days, the toast not being the right toasty-ness also makes me cry, so who can say? I don't know how I got from there to here. Time, and love, and support, and time, and ... I guess one day I just woke up and remembered, oh, yes. tea! I love tea. and sunshine. and morning glories blooming outside the kitchen window. and birds chattering in the trees... That, and the occasional fantasy of kicking people in the head.

Wishing you tea and unexpected sunshine and blooming flowers and birds chattering outside your window.

[tixie]

delurking to tell you that i will still faithfully check every day, as if my checking could some how will you better... ;-)

[Amanda]

Lady, you rock. Truly. Good for you getting the posts out and getting yourself into the book. Just keep swimming.

[Kristin]

Of COURSE we will keep coming back, even if you don't post very often. We totally understand. You won't get rid of us that easily.

I have never been pregnant, but when my father died I remember being VERY angry at the cottage cheese in the refrigerator (it had an expiration date past the day my father died). I threw out a LOT of perfectly good food that day so I wouldn't be reminded.

Take care and do whatever you need to do.

[Inventing Matilda]

You need a plane ride and a sunburn...and people like all of us caring about you - That's the funny thing about the internet. You have introduced yourself and let us peek in your windows and see your life. None of us know you (probably) but we care because we do sort of know you...in a we-read-your-journal sort of way.

Be angry. As angry as you need to be. Be sad. Be sad until all of your hurt has leaked out.

Do something nice for yourself...and eat something you like. Go to a place where you can have a nice time and talk. Talk about your feelings. Talk about the Braves. Talk about your fear of pine trees. Talk about whatever comes to mind....but talk. I believe that talking is therapeutic.

Have an ok day.-Inventing Matilda

[Inventing Matilda]

So I just posted my thoughts and I am concerned that I sounded a bit too much like Suzie Sunshine.I want you to know that I have had a miscarriage. I have been so angry and jealous of everyone around me. It seemed the number of pregnant women around me multiplied.I just don't want you to think that I am just saying to snap out of it because I am not. I am advising that you look after yourself.-Inventing Matilda

[Sarcastic Mom]

Just had my "four weeks" milestone this past Saturday. It was sick the way I felt when I gave Braden a bath, with John away. Just like on that day when the bleeding started. Then yesterday was the calendar day. And Aunt Flo made sure to show up precisely on that day, lest I forget.Bullshit, I tell you.

But I do have to say that your piece a couple of posts back did get me to finally change my sweatpants.

I'm savoring the good days lately. Because the bad moments have a way of leaving a taste that lingers and leaks into everything else.

Hang in there. This has got to get better, right?

[Lauxa]

What is it about people that when we see someone with a problem we want to give advice? Maybe we just don't know what else to say. I don't know what to say, except that if you only update once a year, I will still read every word you write. Hang in there.

[Why Mom Drinks Rum]

I will check in every morning...what? You expect me to "work" at work? Pfffa!

I hope you feel the pain a little less each day....I hope you find joy to look forward to.....and I really hope you can change the channel soon. Because more than 4 hours of Stacey and Clinton is NOT healthy for anyone's psyche.

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[SuburbanCorrespondent]

Time, lots of time - that's what it takes. In my case, it helped to get pregnant again - other people don't want to because it feels as if they are forgetting the baby they lost. It is all very individual.

[Kirsten]

Take care of yourself - and take as much time as you need - and then come back, and we'll still be here.

"What Not to Wear" can drag you down after a while - maybe you should switch to something more affirming? "Top Chef", maybe?

[Her Ladyship]

Alice, do NOT even worry about your readers right now. Just do what you need to do to take care of yourself. We'll be here when you're ready.

And I must say: kudos in your choice of TV! You really can't go wrong with multiple episodes of "What Not To Wear." Stacy and Clinton are very wise.

[Carrie (in MN)]

I'll keep checking in and thinking of you.

[Heidi]

I thought I was having a bad day. Thanks for the much-needed perspective.Take care of yourself.

[Miss Grace]

I think that anyone who isn't the spawn of satan understands that shit happens in real life and sometimes blogging life needs to be put on hold for a little while.And anyone who doesn't get it can suck it. Because I am ELOQUENT.

[Danny]

Offcourse we'll come back.Hope that 'feeling well' is very very near for you.Hang in there and take care of yourself.

[Catizhere]

Take care of you.

We'll still be here.

((Cupcakes))

[Becky]

I'm not certain if you read my comment, as it was approximately the last of about 3.5 million, but I feel you. I had two back to back miscarriages in the past two months, and I'm still feeling the fog.

If you need some lovin' I'll be around for you.

[Mrs.X]

Hang in there - it does get better. I never found that it was an immediate thing, but gradually, I felt better. It may take you a while, too, so don't be concerned with how long it takes. But there will be an end. Promise.