Oh, six-and-half-year-old--you always know what I'm REALLY saying.

Please yell at me for waking you up. I deserve to be put in my place.

If you could slosh as much of your cereal as possible all over the table, that would be fantastic. Cleaning up after you makes me feel useful. When I ask you to help out, you know I'm joking, right? Hilarious!

Read you an entire book while you’re eating your breakfast? No problem—I secretly hate enjoying my coffee and breakfast in peace. Also I am DYING to know how this Magic Tree House book turns out. It’s never the same thing twice.

There’s no rush about getting to school. Put your shoes on whenever.

My raised voice is just an attempt to exercise my lungs. You keep not putting those shoes on, champ.

Of course I want to hear your story about the giant bug robots you invented! In fact I can’t wait another moment to hear it! I don’t want to hear it on the way to school, because then I’d be distracted by how on-time we could potentially be. Stand in front of the door while telling me. Don’t forget to take off one shoe, first!

Now put that shoe back on. But so slowly, it’s like you’re not even moving. You are so excellent at this.

While we’re walking to school, if you demand that you don’t want to go to school anymore, you might just convince me. Don’t give up. I will definitely see your point one of these days.

Now take off, without warning, because you’ve spotted one of your friends! Run and keep on running! Make sure I lose you in the crowd, because there is nothing I need more than to sprint the last few blocks to school. You are helping extend my life span, with all this exercise. Good for you!

While you’re at school, I will be filling your room with new toys and my pockets with chocolate. Or I won’t because I’m a heartless monster.

Well, hello! I trust you had a good day. I spent the day as I always do, watching Star Wars, eating hot fudge with my hands, playing with your Legos. But enough about me. Like you, I am so grateful the front of the school is surrounded by ice-cream trucks. It’s so convenient for me. For us! And I know I said you could only get ice cream once a week, but, you know, I say things. I don’t mean them. If you keep asking I will surely crack.

Do I want to hold your backpack AND your art project AND your jacket? Well, duh.

I can barely say “You can only watch two TV shows” with a straight face! You know that if you keep asking I’m going to admit that you can watch all the television you want. Why do I continue this charade? I guess it’s just fun for me.

That inflatable Spider-Man you got at the fair that keeps deflating? That I told you had a hole in it somewhere and probably needed to be thrown out? Another made-up story. I just want to inflate it every fifteen minutes, whenever you notice that it’s gotten all flat and saggy. When you’re not looking I let some of the air out again. Entertaining!

I lie about bedtime. I lie and lie and lie. I say it’s time for bed but we adults all know that sleep is completely optional. I don’t sleep at all, of course.

That’s why I love it when you call for me at 4 a.m. because your sheets feel funny. I get so bored, just before dawn.

I am truly sorry you didn’t get everything your heart desired, today. Try me again tomorrow. Your tactics are beginning to work. I have a feeling that tomorrow your every wish will be granted.

Comments

[jaelithe]

Does this ever end? Because my kid only just turned five, and he is already an expert at hearing only what he wants to hear. And at explaining the fictitiousness of a need for sleep. And at taking longer than a glacier to move toward the door in the morning when it's time for school.

[Emily]

Alice, you are my HERO!

[LPC]

And please don't forget to give me the ice cream wrapper generated by our visit to said ice cream truck because I absolutely live to feel your garbage in my hands.

[kelli]

I was going to ask if the insanity never ends myself, because I could have written something similar about my two year old. Years and years and years? Thank God there are other mothers around with whom I can SCREAM.

[Michelle]

OMG....Where are you living in my house and why are you writing about my life. Seriously this sounds like nearly six year old son and me his very mean and nasty mother.

Thanks for the morning chuckle !!

[Marta]

My daughter is only three and a half. Sometimes when I leave her at school I feel that I already had a whole day past me and I just want to go back to bed (that is usually when I realize I'm late for work and have to run).

[Springsteen fan]

Oh Alice, you know what I'M really saying?

I love love love these posts.

[kalisah]

When I tried to show my 15-y-o son how to run the washing machine, he said, "I know HOW to do it. I just don't LIKE TO." Obviously he realizes that I live for laundry, and he just doesn't want to deprive me of that joy.

[Jennifer]

OMG I am crying from laughing so hard. Thanks for making my morning!

[Sarah]

oh, exactly. Thank you for this.

[Tracy]

I hate those ice cream trucks! Damn Damn Damn!!!

[hi kooky]

Wow. He does totally get you. Little kids are so much smarter than we realize.

[Janssen]

Someone shared this in Google Reader and I read it without looking at where it came from. And then when I did, I though "I should have KNOWN this was Alice. Only she could be so so hilarious."

Well done.

[Jessi]

Do you remember when you did that stuff to your mom? I swear, sometimes I have a really rough day with the kids, wonder about asylums and then call my mom and appologize for telling her that she was mean for not letting me have coke to drink at every meal.

[Betsy]

Awesome. LMAO!

[Sarah B]

Amen. As a mom of another 6 year old boy, amen.

[Ginny]

I live to serve also! Why, just this morning I cut my walk short so I could race home to DRIVE my 17 year old to school for everyone's favorite "Late Arrival Day." And, yes, he could walk, too. He's not 30 pounds overweight like me! But, sssh...he was sleeping!It will never end.

[Amanda]

AWESOME.

That is all.

[Kelly]

Arghh! The shoes! Always with the slow putting on of shoes....

[Mandy]

Wow, my 4.5 year old knows me just as well! Great to know he'll still be reading my mind at 6.5...

[pam]

Oh, good lord, this is sweet, sweet candy.

[Lisame]

I just peed myself! HYSTERICAL!

[suburbancorrespondent]

One of those days, eh?

[Margarita]

LOL, this was such a funny post. And a scary realisation of what I have to look forward to in the next couple of years. *sigh*

[Maggie]

My son is also 6.5 - and now I hate those Magic Treehouse books with the fiery heat of 1,000 suns after reading all 8,000 of them. I can't bear the thought of reading another.