Home - Top Row


Home - Bottom Row

Let's Panic: The Book!

Order your copy today!

How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

Home - Middle Row

Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

« Au revoir à jamais | Main | I do what I'm told. »

Oh, six-and-half-year-old--you always know what I'm REALLY saying.

Please yell at me for waking you up. I deserve to be put in my place.

If you could slosh as much of your cereal as possible all over the table, that would be fantastic. Cleaning up after you makes me feel useful. When I ask you to help out, you know I'm joking, right? Hilarious!

Read you an entire book while you’re eating your breakfast? No problem—I secretly hate enjoying my coffee and breakfast in peace. Also I am DYING to know how this Magic Tree House book turns out. It’s never the same thing twice.

There’s no rush about getting to school. Put your shoes on whenever.

My raised voice is just an attempt to exercise my lungs. You keep not putting those shoes on, champ.

Of course I want to hear your story about the giant bug robots you invented! In fact I can’t wait another moment to hear it! I don’t want to hear it on the way to school, because then I’d be distracted by how on-time we could potentially be. Stand in front of the door while telling me. Don’t forget to take off one shoe, first!

Now put that shoe back on. But so slowly, it’s like you’re not even moving. You are so excellent at this.

While we’re walking to school, if you demand that you don’t want to go to school anymore, you might just convince me. Don’t give up. I will definitely see your point one of these days.

Now take off, without warning, because you’ve spotted one of your friends! Run and keep on running! Make sure I lose you in the crowd, because there is nothing I need more than to sprint the last few blocks to school. You are helping extend my life span, with all this exercise. Good for you!

While you’re at school, I will be filling your room with new toys and my pockets with chocolate. Or I won’t because I’m a heartless monster.

Well, hello! I trust you had a good day. I spent the day as I always do, watching Star Wars, eating hot fudge with my hands, playing with your Legos. But enough about me. Like you, I am so grateful the front of the school is surrounded by ice-cream trucks. It’s so convenient for me. For us! And I know I said you could only get ice cream once a week, but, you know, I say things. I don’t mean them. If you keep asking I will surely crack.

Do I want to hold your backpack AND your art project AND your jacket? Well, duh.

I can barely say “You can only watch two TV shows” with a straight face! You know that if you keep asking I’m going to admit that you can watch all the television you want. Why do I continue this charade? I guess it’s just fun for me.

That inflatable Spider-Man you got at the fair that keeps deflating? That I told you had a hole in it somewhere and probably needed to be thrown out? Another made-up story. I just want to inflate it every fifteen minutes, whenever you notice that it’s gotten all flat and saggy. When you’re not looking I let some of the air out again. Entertaining!

I lie about bedtime. I lie and lie and lie. I say it’s time for bed but we adults all know that sleep is completely optional. I don’t sleep at all, of course.

That’s why I love it when you call for me at 4 a.m. because your sheets feel funny. I get so bored, just before dawn.

I am truly sorry you didn’t get everything your heart desired, today. Try me again tomorrow. Your tactics are beginning to work. I have a feeling that tomorrow your every wish will be granted.

Reader Comments (185)

Clearly you have been listening in at our house. This is my 4.75-year-old daughter to a T. I would also add that of course, going to the bathroom is also optional, many people go days without doing so! Or something like this, in a witty way.
May 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmy

I do have a sense of humor and wasn't judging Alice. I could relate to her feelings and was just trying to offer up some tactics that have worked for me with my three. **shrug**

May 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmy
I don't know if you keep reading when you get this many comments. . .

And, I'm pretty certain you really don't care about that blow-up Spider Man, and really wouldn't mind just throwing it away. . .

But, I just couldn't help sharing this because it brought such a vivid memory to mind.

So if you are interested in saving Spider Man, do you know how to find a leak in an inflatable toy? I have a distinct memory of kneeling by the bathtub with my dad when I was probably 5 years old, while he filled the tub, and put an inflatable toy (don't remember what it was) with a leak in the tub. He pushed on it, and when he saw where the little trail of bubbles was coming from, he knew where the leak was. Put his finger on it, took it out, dried the spot, and put some electrical tape over it. Ta-da! Good as new inflableness. Just thought I'd share.
May 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKara
Oh man, that is some terrible spelling and grammar. Too bad to even try to correct. Guess I shouldn't post comments at 1am!
May 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKara
And please! Don't eat your dinner. Because it's not really dinner, it's actually performance art that I enjoy doing every night. If you eat the mashed potato, all the symbolism will be ruined.

Thanks, Alice. It's always a pleasure.
May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterStella
Thank You! You wrote what every mom feels. I love my Girls but even at 15 they still act that way. I live to serve them don't you know.
May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDebbi
Wow. Just wow. I thought I was the only mama willing to admit to this kind of snarkiness. You are a goddess among mamas.
I would have laughed if it was not so painfully true!

You forgot to mention that it was your fault that he lost a toy that you told him not to take to school.
May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNot On Fire

During her middle school years, you risked your life to wake up my daughter, because you might get kicked in the head. That's only because she was so deep asleep, though. Once fully awake, she always apologized for any injuries she'd caused. I considered getting for her the really loud alarm clock that you have to chase around the room to shut off, but her room's such a mess it would have nowhere to go.

And golly Jenna, you didn't notice Amanda's lack of humor?

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterberdie
Hah! loved it (and live it with my 11 year old).
May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDiane
OMG!!! Are ALL 6 yo boys clones of each other? Don't worry, it does get slightly better. I have said over the past year that "7 is heaven" and now, after my ds birthday this month, I am praying "8 will be great". The chatter NEVER stops, but the whining, begging and not asking not to go to school has--I think he just has finally smartened up-lol!
May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTracy
Every word was delicious, but "Well, DUH?" was the very best-est part.

How about:"How did you KNOW that the reason we agonized over what to name you was that we were HOPING to get to say 'Emily. EM.I.LY.' 700 times a day!?"
May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa
Oh. My. God. May I serenade you?

Did you ever know that you're my here-oooooooh!You're everything I wish I could beeeeeeeeeeeeee!I could fly higher than an eeeeee-gleyou are the wind beneath my wings!!!!!!!!!

Alice, I soo heart you.
May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterZozo's Mom
Alice, you are brilliant. Thanks for the big smile you gave me; this is priceless. xo
May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShwendels
Can't wait for these days! Thank you.
May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLulu
Totally what I needed this Friday. Thanks.
May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKingsmom
Oh son is only 3 and this is what our life is like. It keeps going on like that for years?!?! Heaven help me!
May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHeather
This is hysterical. And, thanks for illustrating for me that the life I now have with my three year old will only change by adding school to the day over the next few years. Otherwise, I'm with ya.
May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMamaCass
LOVE IT! laughed and laughed and laughed...thanks for the giggles and definitely following you from here on out...
May 22, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterrosana v.
O.M.G. I am rolling, here!!
May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMarie
A Laugh And A Half! I love it so much! I'm going to print this out and re-read it when I need a good mental break from the many insane children that live in my house and are trying to overthrow my dictatorship.
May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCraezieLady
This is perfect. I have a 6 1/2 year old boy too and the eye rolling, pestering attitude has begun. I got a few good laughs, especially about the ice cream truck. Because I totally don't mean it when I say they can't get ice cream 5 minutes before dinner. (And please tell the ice cream man that I TOTALLY love that he keeps coming back right at dinner time! It will make it easier for me when I change my mind.)
May 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAdrienne
I love this post so much. Please do one every year or so. I have a 16yo girl and 11yo boy.They did most of those exact same things, and the new items that will be added on to your list in the years to come will be just as hilarious.This post is a classic!
May 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDonna
Oh, man, Alice. Sometimes your posts are, like, this really funny form of birth control. They make me realize that I do not have the patience yet to be a parent, which I actually really appreciate, because I am a 21-year-old with raging MUST-MAKE-A-CUTE-LITTLE-BABY hormones.
May 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAlly
This is hilarious, and so well-timed. My oldest is about to turn 5 and has suddenly entirely lost the ability to play (or function at all) on her own. But hey that's cool! I didn't ever want to pay a bill or make a phone call or eat a meal again. Let's play another round of Chutes and Ladders!
May 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSierra

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.

My response is on my own website »
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>