Oh, six-and-half-year-old--you always know what I'm REALLY saying.
May 20, 2009Please yell at me for waking you up. I deserve to be put in my place.
If you could slosh as much of your cereal as possible all over the table, that would be fantastic. Cleaning up after you makes me feel useful. When I ask you to help out, you know I'm joking, right? Hilarious!
Read you an entire book while you’re eating your breakfast? No problem—I secretly hate enjoying my coffee and breakfast in peace. Also I am DYING to know how this Magic Tree House book turns out. It’s never the same thing twice.
There’s no rush about getting to school. Put your shoes on whenever.
My raised voice is just an attempt to exercise my lungs. You keep not putting those shoes on, champ.
Of course I want to hear your story about the giant bug robots you invented! In fact I can’t wait another moment to hear it! I don’t want to hear it on the way to school, because then I’d be distracted by how on-time we could potentially be. Stand in front of the door while telling me. Don’t forget to take off one shoe, first!
Now put that shoe back on. But so slowly, it’s like you’re not even moving. You are so excellent at this.
While we’re walking to school, if you demand that you don’t want to go to school anymore, you might just convince me. Don’t give up. I will definitely see your point one of these days.
Now take off, without warning, because you’ve spotted one of your friends! Run and keep on running! Make sure I lose you in the crowd, because there is nothing I need more than to sprint the last few blocks to school. You are helping extend my life span, with all this exercise. Good for you!
While you’re at school, I will be filling your room with new toys and my pockets with chocolate. Or I won’t because I’m a heartless monster.
Well, hello! I trust you had a good day. I spent the day as I always do, watching Star Wars, eating hot fudge with my hands, playing with your Legos. But enough about me. Like you, I am so grateful the front of the school is surrounded by ice-cream trucks. It’s so convenient for me. For us! And I know I said you could only get ice cream once a week, but, you know, I say things. I don’t mean them. If you keep asking I will surely crack.
Do I want to hold your backpack AND your art project AND your jacket? Well, duh.
I can barely say “You can only watch two TV shows” with a straight face! You know that if you keep asking I’m going to admit that you can watch all the television you want. Why do I continue this charade? I guess it’s just fun for me.
That inflatable Spider-Man you got at the fair that keeps deflating? That I told you had a hole in it somewhere and probably needed to be thrown out? Another made-up story. I just want to inflate it every fifteen minutes, whenever you notice that it’s gotten all flat and saggy. When you’re not looking I let some of the air out again. Entertaining!
I lie about bedtime. I lie and lie and lie. I say it’s time for bed but we adults all know that sleep is completely optional. I don’t sleep at all, of course.
That’s why I love it when you call for me at 4 a.m. because your sheets feel funny. I get so bored, just before dawn.
I am truly sorry you didn’t get everything your heart desired, today. Try me again tomorrow. Your tactics are beginning to work. I have a feeling that tomorrow your every wish will be granted.
Reader Comments (185)
I do have a sense of humor and wasn't judging Alice. I could relate to her feelings and was just trying to offer up some tactics that have worked for me with my three. **shrug**
And, I'm pretty certain you really don't care about that blow-up Spider Man, and really wouldn't mind just throwing it away. . .
But, I just couldn't help sharing this because it brought such a vivid memory to mind.
So if you are interested in saving Spider Man, do you know how to find a leak in an inflatable toy? I have a distinct memory of kneeling by the bathtub with my dad when I was probably 5 years old, while he filled the tub, and put an inflatable toy (don't remember what it was) with a leak in the tub. He pushed on it, and when he saw where the little trail of bubbles was coming from, he knew where the leak was. Put his finger on it, took it out, dried the spot, and put some electrical tape over it. Ta-da! Good as new inflableness. Just thought I'd share.
Thanks, Alice. It's always a pleasure.
You forgot to mention that it was your fault that he lost a toy that you told him not to take to school.
During her middle school years, you risked your life to wake up my daughter, because you might get kicked in the head. That's only because she was so deep asleep, though. Once fully awake, she always apologized for any injuries she'd caused. I considered getting for her the really loud alarm clock that you have to chase around the room to shut off, but her room's such a mess it would have nowhere to go.
And golly Jenna, you didn't notice Amanda's lack of humor?
How about:"How did you KNOW that the reason we agonized over what to name you was that we were HOPING to get to say 'Emily. EM.I.LY.' 700 times a day!?"
Did you ever know that you're my here-oooooooh!You're everything I wish I could beeeeeeeeeeeeee!I could fly higher than an eeeeee-gleyou are the wind beneath my wings!!!!!!!!!
Alice, I soo heart you.
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