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Let's Panic: The Book!

Order your copy today!

How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

Home - Middle Row

Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

« Au revoir à jamais | Main | I do what I'm told. »

Oh, six-and-half-year-old--you always know what I'm REALLY saying.

Please yell at me for waking you up. I deserve to be put in my place.

If you could slosh as much of your cereal as possible all over the table, that would be fantastic. Cleaning up after you makes me feel useful. When I ask you to help out, you know I'm joking, right? Hilarious!

Read you an entire book while you’re eating your breakfast? No problem—I secretly hate enjoying my coffee and breakfast in peace. Also I am DYING to know how this Magic Tree House book turns out. It’s never the same thing twice.

There’s no rush about getting to school. Put your shoes on whenever.

My raised voice is just an attempt to exercise my lungs. You keep not putting those shoes on, champ.

Of course I want to hear your story about the giant bug robots you invented! In fact I can’t wait another moment to hear it! I don’t want to hear it on the way to school, because then I’d be distracted by how on-time we could potentially be. Stand in front of the door while telling me. Don’t forget to take off one shoe, first!

Now put that shoe back on. But so slowly, it’s like you’re not even moving. You are so excellent at this.

While we’re walking to school, if you demand that you don’t want to go to school anymore, you might just convince me. Don’t give up. I will definitely see your point one of these days.

Now take off, without warning, because you’ve spotted one of your friends! Run and keep on running! Make sure I lose you in the crowd, because there is nothing I need more than to sprint the last few blocks to school. You are helping extend my life span, with all this exercise. Good for you!

While you’re at school, I will be filling your room with new toys and my pockets with chocolate. Or I won’t because I’m a heartless monster.

Well, hello! I trust you had a good day. I spent the day as I always do, watching Star Wars, eating hot fudge with my hands, playing with your Legos. But enough about me. Like you, I am so grateful the front of the school is surrounded by ice-cream trucks. It’s so convenient for me. For us! And I know I said you could only get ice cream once a week, but, you know, I say things. I don’t mean them. If you keep asking I will surely crack.

Do I want to hold your backpack AND your art project AND your jacket? Well, duh.

I can barely say “You can only watch two TV shows” with a straight face! You know that if you keep asking I’m going to admit that you can watch all the television you want. Why do I continue this charade? I guess it’s just fun for me.

That inflatable Spider-Man you got at the fair that keeps deflating? That I told you had a hole in it somewhere and probably needed to be thrown out? Another made-up story. I just want to inflate it every fifteen minutes, whenever you notice that it’s gotten all flat and saggy. When you’re not looking I let some of the air out again. Entertaining!

I lie about bedtime. I lie and lie and lie. I say it’s time for bed but we adults all know that sleep is completely optional. I don’t sleep at all, of course.

That’s why I love it when you call for me at 4 a.m. because your sheets feel funny. I get so bored, just before dawn.

I am truly sorry you didn’t get everything your heart desired, today. Try me again tomorrow. Your tactics are beginning to work. I have a feeling that tomorrow your every wish will be granted.

Reader Comments (185)

Oh thank you, thank you, thank you. My six year old had a traumatic birth and they SAID there was no long term repercussions, but sometimes.....sometimes I really wonder if there is becuase the child, though I love him, acts like he has brain damage. Reading this post just gave me a HUGE dose of relief. Seriously, thank you, I now know my crazy 6 year old is just as crazy as every other six year old. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!!!!!!!
July 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSara
It's funny to think that we were once kids ourselves, and somehow forgot that when we had kids of our own that they would somehow be much more advanced than ourselves and be able to use a spoon without spilling, tie shoe laces, and have it all together before grade prep. The point is, don't worry about it. There will be mess and messing around for years to come, but one day they will get it together and, funnily enough, will be telling us what to do when we are old farts dawdling around, fumbling, dithering and making a mess.
July 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterrobS
OHMYGOSH! I cannot stop laughing. Help! You should be declared illegal, or there should at least be some kind of warning on your website.

Funny thing is, I've written--very recently, not out yet--an bonafide parenting (Parenting) book. It's grounded and practical and full of truly useful strategies for avoiding power struggles with kids. And still, your blog and Panic site are speaking to me--singing, shouting.

Well, well done! I will be sure to share you with my world.

July 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSusan Stiffelman
My little dude is 4, and I have just realized with icy cold horror that he's never, ever going to grow out of it. I sort of hoped we were about 2 weeks away.
July 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSonia Simone
@Karen, Say no? OMG, you are a freaking genius. I will get right on that.
July 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSonia Simone
WELCOME TO MOTHERHOOD. The best part is when they are finally out on their own , and you hear they are annoyed because someone didn't push in the chair or clean off the table or put the iron away. Then you think to yourself and say, "Ah, payback!"
July 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMaria
I have never laughed so much at a blog. I have never enjoyed it enough to post a comment. You are wonderful. I have a five year old girl and I am so glad that her drama is not a rare experience created just for me.
July 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle
Saw you on the Today Show this morning and just had to come check out your blog. You are hilarious!! I laughed out loud as I read this post! :)
July 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMargaret
does anyone else think this is kind of sad? to be sarcastic and cynical about your kids? if they are driving you bonkers, chances are they haven't been trained correctly. to listen to you. to obey. to be thankful. and training is the parents' job. you reap what you sow. there are people out there with ten or more children, and loving it. it IS possible to raise them up right. to be fair, i felt exactly the same way before discovering the secret that you can train them and enjoy them completely. happy mommyhood.
September 3, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermindy calahan
I just have to tell you that I go back and read this one about once a month and laugh until I cry EVERY SINGLE TIME. I have a six-year-old boy too. Thanks for always bringing levity to my life!
October 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJill

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