Only
December 5, 2009We're walking home from school.
"I was thinking," Henry says. "I was thinking it would be good to have a little brother."
I can't help but picture it. Henry holding a little boy's hand, guiding him as he toddles down the sidewalk next to us. He would have been such an excellent big brother.
"Or a sister," he says. "Yeah, actually? I think I want a sister. Because I like the girls I'm related to. So I think if I had a sister, I would like that."
I am murmuring noncommittally. "Huh!"I say. "Hmm!"
"So," he adds, looking at me, "can I get one?"
"I don't think it's in the cards for us, sweetie," I finally say.
"What does that mean, in the cards?"
"It means I don't think it's going to happen."
"That's okay," he says quickly. "That's fine. I was just thinking. "
I try to point out the advantages of being an only child. The quality time with us. He does not appear convinced.
"It could be fun, though," he says.
"Yes," I agree. "It could be."
*
When we made the move back to the city from the suburbs, part of it was because we realized we weren't going to try again. There are so many reasons, and if I give them, I'm afraid someone's going to pop up in the comments to argue that our reasons aren't good enough. "Oh, you can still have a second even if X!" this imaginary person might say. "My precious miracle came about even though we also thought Y and Z and you might be the same way so keep on trying!"
No. It's not going to happen.
And I am sorry. I am. It's so much more satisfying for everyone else, to have a successful pregnancy after a miscarriage. It's expected. You keep on trying, and then eventually you get pregnant and it all works out and the miscarriage becomes an unfortunate blip in your otherwise upbeat narrative. I realize that this is kind of a bummer.
*
Henry hasn't asked about a sibling for a long, long while--long before I had the miscarriage. It's interesting that it's come up for him now, just as my essay appeared in The Sun and I've been sort of overwhelmed by the feelings stirred up by the publication and its response.
I have to admit, I feel a little strange about all these Sun readers emailing me, responding as if I still feel the pain of the miscarriage as acutely as I did back when the essay was written. I wrote it well over a year ago, and when I finished, I felt like I had exorcised something. I exorcised it and saved it in a Word file and then I was free. And now all these people are expressing their sympathy, when that pain has dulled to an occasional ache, and I feel like I'm pretending to be something I'm not. Like I need to tell them they've made a mistake.
Then as I'm responding to them, something bursts open. All that pain I thought I had purged, that deep, awful well. It's right there, and I want to scream. Then I want to thank all these people who wrote to me, because part of me was afraid it was gone. Nope, still there. I still miss that baby I thought I was going to have. That baby who would have been one year old just a couple of weeks ago.
So many people writing to me want me to know about the children they had after their miscarriages. The happy endings they wish for me. I know they're hoping to make me feel better, I get that, but all I can think is, there won't be a second for me. And then I think: because I'm too selfish.
I am ashamed. Because I've made a decision, and at the heart of it, I made it for me. Scott and I made it for us. And for Henry, but who can really say what's best for him, at this point? I'm afraid we're doing Henry a disservice. That we're leaving him alone as we get older and more helpless, that we're depriving him of a soulmate and ally, someone to build forts with or whatever else I imagine he'd do with a sibling when I'm really beating myself up over my decision.
I wonder if he'll forgive us. I wonder if he'll hate us for it. I wonder if he'll be glad.
Of course I know, rationally, that only children can be happy and successful. I know that Henry's happy and well-adjusted and loved beyond measure. I do.
But it keeps coming up. They think I'm selfish, I think, when other parents ask me if Henry is an "only." Stingy. Not willing to spread myself just a little too thin. I want to give them my reasons. My very good, well-considered reasons. But I'm afraid they'd argue that those reasons aren't enough.
Henry is not an only, I want to say. Henry is enough. Can't that be the question? "So, was Henry enough for you?" I could confirm that without a trace of shame.
Just look at him, I could say.
Look at my boy. Look at all that I have.
Reader Comments (245)
I am an only and can't imagine it any other way. An only doesn't miss having siblings -- you can't miss what you never had. As a child, as a teen, as an adult, it's been fine. More than fine, actually; to quote you, it's been "enough".
You've made the right decision for your family.
I think people just want to feel a connection, and to feel that connection through having made extremely similar choices. And if they like you and relate to you, they can't understand how you made a different decision than they did, or they feel betrayed by discovering that you made different a decision. It's not judge-y, exactly, though I admit that people sometimes are that, too.
Anyway, I mostly wanted to say thanks for writing - your writing is a joy to read, even when it's sad.
"I occasionally feel guilty that [my daughter] will not have a sibling given how much she wants one, and lightly and fleetingly grieve that she will be my only child.But I'm also utterly content that my family is complete."
So thank you for sharing. So much.
I love that last bit about your amazing boy not being an "only" but being "enough". I had that same thought when we were struggling to have our second and I was starting to think it was not going to happen.
I hope that you do not spend too much of your precious time feeling ashamed or selfish. I find you to be quite the opposite because a selfish woman would not share such tender parts of herself with all of us. Thank you for that!
For what it's worth, I don't think you're selfish at all. You're doing what's best for you & your family, and anyone who judges you for that can go to hell.
I'm almost there. In my life I have had 9 miscarriages, one perinatal loss (because, of all things, a cord accident), and I have one son. I'm almost 39. I'm tired. I would like another child, but I've decreed one more year and that's it.
Not all sibling relationships are great; your family is the configuration that it is. There is no ideal family, just your own.
Joy turned out fine. I, on the other hand, have a sister. And often wish I had been an only!
I'm an only child. I can remember being sort of surprised to hear my mother say once, "I always wanted three children..." when I was an adult. She had never given me the slightest inkling that more was what she may have wanted when I was growing up. "We got it right the first time," my dad would say when people asked if I was the only. There were moments during my childhood when I thought a sibling would be fun to have, but to be honest, I felt more deprived when I didn't get the Barbie Dream House.
This passage is pure poetry: "Henry is not an only, I want to say. Henry is enough."
Henry will be just fine. I would have liked to have a sibling when I was a kid, but I wonder if I would still have the super-close relationship I have with my mama if I had to share her with a sibling or two. There are definitely trade-offs, but what matters is that he's loved.