Open letter to our downstairs neighbors, in anticipation of the Super Bowl
January 31, 2012Dear neighbors:
By and large you are a lovely couple to live above. I remain grateful that you tolerate my child's occasional bouts of "dancing" (repeatedly throwing himself on the floor) and that you seem to be happy, well-adjusted, and not abusing each other. Sure, you like throwing parties, but as long as the racket is celebratory and does not leave us wondering if we should call the police, we say: carry on with your crazy young lives!
But once football season fell upon us, I have grown increasingly puzzled by your behavior during games. (Matches? Bouts? What are these things called, again?) I must admit that my husband and I, as well as our son, are not exactly "les amateurs de sports," as the French would say. Oh, sure, we enjoy the occasional game of catch-the-ball, and sometimes we play toss-the-frisbee-and-then-CRINGE-AND- DUCK-when-it-is-returned-because-those-things-hurt. But when it comes to watching any activities wherein people fling themselves into other people and try to make their way in one direction or another on a given field, we know little or nothing. Oh, sure, we've attended Super Bowl parties, but that was only for the queso dip. Who can say no when queso dip is involved? And then we've fallen asleep near the queso dip until the host has asked us to leave. Which we have. (After we got the rest of the queso dip into the tupperware container we brought with us in case there was any queso dip left.)
At any rate, as I said, we have some questions, and as we are anticipating that our puzzlement will only increase this Sunday, we'd like to approach the day with some measure of understanding.
First of all, you're going to scream a lot, aren't you. Don't answer that. I didn't even put a question mark on it. We both know the answer is yes. You're going to scream a whooole bunch. Is "bunch" a unit of screams? Don't answer that either. Conserve your energy for the real questions.
Now: While I'm sure it feels good to cheer on your team, you know the players cannot hear you, yes? I'm just making sure. Do you think that if you yell loudly enough you might be helping in some way? This worries me. I'm worried for you.
Also: you do realize it's not you who's playing, right? Because I must tell you, the waves of euphoria shimmering up through our floorboards while you whoop it up seems to indicate that you believe that you are somehow responsible for your team's goal-making. Do you believe that you're remotely projecting yourself onto the field and invisibly whisking your heroes toward their objective? Again: just curious. Also concerned.
And if you're so happy, why is there so much cursing? I can understand the hooting and hollering (sort of), I even get why maybe you might feel the need to stomp on the floorboards until the building shakes (not really), but why must you then cry out "HOLY FUCKING FUCK THE MOTHERFUCKING BITCH FUCK ME OH MY FUCK"?! (I am paraphrasing.) You seem to be fairly even-keeled otherwise, so what is it about SPORTS! that makes you lose your mind and also educate my child even more than he gets educated around here whenever I step on the cat?
Hey, did you hear during that last game, how I was upstairs shouting, "Sports! SPOOOORTS!"? Scott was annoyed me for doing that, but I was highly amused by my joke and wanted you to be as well. I really don't mind that you love your sporting things. I am pretty sure you're insane, but whatever. You're not murdering each other, and this is all I care about.
Finally: will there be queso dip?
Love,
Alice
Reader Comments (60)
I WANT A LIBRARY TARDIS.
Thanks, Davida!
Dude. You had me at "queso dip". You had me at queso dip...
I don't get yelling at the TV either. My husband and my son do it. Why?
Oh my gosh this was so funny but not nearly as funny as some of the comments. Some people have no sense of humor while others could darn well make a living at it.
My two cents which today is on sale at 100% off:
I used to just not get it. The whole sports thing and getting so emotional but after much thought and careful consideration (sarcasm) I do get it. It's a bonding thing. There is something thrilling about watching human beings put so much strength, power, effort and skill into something so physical and physically demanding. Football and team sports in general epitomize what team work is; each person doing their specific job to the best of their ability, using their unique skills for a common goal. And when that goal is achieved everyone relishes in the accomplishment. When that goal is not achieved the team "grieves" together which is as equally as important as celebrating together. I used to get so annoyed at a boyfriend who was obsessed with sports. He and his father both were. One Sunday at his home while being held hostage during March Madness (google it Alice) I complained to his mother about all the sports-watching and she gently and wisely made the comment that at least both her husband and her son were at home, in the living room when they could be out doing something else. I took that to mean that she could keep her eye on them both and there were worse things they could be doing...but sports kept them home with her. Don't read too much into that....it's not like her son and husband were bad people who would look for trouble to get into but that comment still stays with me 25 years later. Father and son bonded over their love of sports. Now, I do have a problem with all the money that's thrown around and the corruption in college sports and the blind eye given to problems that brew for years but that's another blog, comment, news article. I GET the super bowl. It's a reason for a party. A reason to come together. It's an excuse for fellowship, an opportunity to meet new people, a reason to stay up later than usual on a Sunday. It's a bonding time. It's the culmination of a season full of ups and downs, hopes, hard work, surprises and accomplishments. And there are some damn funny commercials to boot.
It always astounds me that people who watch sports DO believe they can influence the outcome of a game. By wearing 'lucky' shirts and shouting at the players on the screen.
(I'm not American so I will NEVER get the Super Bowl. Also, we say football to mean soccer where I come from. Heh)
On a related note, the wearing of sports jerseys never ceases to amuse me. Suddenly the sports bar is full of Peyton Mannings. You know you're not actually Tom Brady, right? And if you were somehow magically transformed into Mr Brady by wearing his jersey, shouldn't you be on the field?
Ha ha - so funny!! We love you even here down under :) :)
So funny. My neighbor has a hot tub directly against the fence leaning into my backyard. He like to get in and turn the jets on full blast and then he cranks his mounted outside tv on until the entire neighborhood can hear the game. If its the summer its the best, especially when you're trying to enjoy a good book in the sun.
This is when I like to bring out my sterio and point it right at the fence and play the "who is louder" game until he gets the point and goes inside.
Love sports and men who need constant attention to how the behave when sports are on.
I could see my husband writing this letter to me. He's a fellow hardcore sports fan, but he doesn't understand why I yell so much. Or why I think I can control the game with my cursing.
"Also: you do realize it's not you who's playing, right? Because I must tell you, the waves of euphoria shimmering up through our floorboards while you whoop it up seems to indicate that you believe that you are somehow responsible for your team's goal-making."
Oh my lord yes! I can admire athletic skill, but I can't get that worked up about any sports team's particular victory or feel any real rivalry with another team because I'm not on a team. I eat the dip! I do nothing for this sport! Why get so emotionally invested in something you're not taking part in?