Or maybe this is how our landlord plans to get rid of us
May 20, 2012We have our own roof deck. It's pretty great. We tell people in Brooklyn that we have a private roof deck, and they look at us like we just admitted that our home is made of titanium and the walls are covered in jaguar pelts. Any other part of the country, you show them a deck this size and they're like, "Wait, how do you fit your above-ground pool on that?" Then we tell them we only have one bathroom and they try to fling themselves off the deck. It's not that high up, guys, you're just going to break something.
Anyway, I went up there this morning to do a little watercolor, drink a little coffee, feel superior to those poor deck-less schmucks around us, the usual. I was going to paint the view, or the birds, or whatever, but what I ended up painting was...this.
This, in case you can't read the caption, is the Mysterious Chimney that Belches Black Smoke. I call it that because it's a chimney, it belches black smoke, and we don't know why. Mystery! It's not part of our building, or we could ask the landlord, "Say, landlord--what sort of carcinogenic substance is being horked out of that chimney of yours every few minutes? Incidentally, how long do we have to live?"
I have never seen anything like it. Every twenty minutes or so, smoke starts to billow out of it, and you think it's going to stop, but it gets blacker, and then you're thinking, "Hold up, that's unreasonable," and then it gets blacker, and you're like, "Say, me, should I run until I can never stop running?" and then it gets blacker still, and then a solid mass of blackness gloops out and up and dissipates in the air and spreads across the sky above you and then you're probably inhaling alien spores and will soon become a Space Zombie. (I've been watching Doctor Who with Henry.) It's…unhealthy-looking. I'm surprised and grateful that we don't have Black Lung Disease. Yet.
The one bright spot in this weird chimney-that's-eerily-adjacent-to-our-home-and-ps-will-kill-us-all problem is that whenever we have visitors on the deck and it starts, we get to see their reaction. They go from surprised to concerned to horror-vomiting, and it's so fun! P.S. Not really clear on what "fun" is. Is it when you get to use a mop?
Seriously, it's been an area of concern, but the good news is that ever since Spring arrived and we've been back up on the deck, we haven't seen any black smoke. None. Which means the chimney was cleaned up, or they've stopped making human-meat-pies (the best pies in Brooklyn!), or something. Or they're not ready to announce a new Satanic Pope yet. I'll keep you updated.
Reader Comments (17)
I think Matthew Fox got drunk and tried to climb in there.
Creepy. That calls for some investigative reporting. Do your local news channels have a team like that? Do you have any idea what IS in the building it horks from? Yech. But you've got my curiosity peaked, so please do tell if you find anything out...
And here I thought I'd be the first to make the Mrs. Lovett joke. Darn you all to heck, Alice.
I agree with Angela, I hope you're taking this on as an assignment of sorts. We want pictures (well, might be a little late in the season for that), information about the building, a CSI lab to test scrapings of black smoke residue, etc. Think of it -- book contract? movie rights? Julia Roberts?
Love me a good mystery.
I live up in Harlem, and this is a pretty common sight...I believe it is the incinerator in the building next to yours. Don't know WHY buildings are using incinerators, but there you have it. bummer that its right next to your deck. Even though it is not your building, I bet your super knows what it is...in our neighborhood, all the supers know each other, and they know EVERYTHING.
Definitely human meat pies.
Oil-fired water heater?
Satanic Pope, obviously. He can't afford to live in the Dakota anymore.
Does it hork year round? Or only seasonally?
B
I try to drink on our roof, but the neighbors call the cops and something about public drunkenness and indecency. If only we had a fancy roof deck...
*Artisanal" human meat pies. Locally sourced.
The word "hork". That is all I have to say.
It's soilent green, duh. Nah, it's the incinerator. I like it. Does that make me crazy? But I do. It's a perfect thing that reminds you of how, despite New York being as awesome as it is, it's dirty too, and that's part of what makes it awesome - that there can BE so much awesomeness in such a dirty place, and the dirty and awesome can co-exist.
I like this story and love your drawing = =
Congrats! Power on, you guys are truly filling a void. I'm sure that there will be much more recognition to come for your awesome work.
Reading your post made me remember Sweeney Todd with his human meat pies. LOL. Well, at least now, it doesn't look like you have a factory for a neighbor. I think that if it gets frequent, you'll have to really ask someone about it.
Wonderfully hilarious as always and I can't get over how good you are.
Watercolor. WATERCOLOR.
Alice Bradley does watercolor.
And watercolor is my favorite.
And I love her.