Overwhelmed.

I cannot begin to tell you how much all of your emails and comments have meant to me. I read each and every one of them, and every one of them helped more than I can say. (And yet I'm still sadder than I've ever been. This seems mathematically impossible, but my emotions are terrible at math.)

Right now I'm feeling a lot of things, and soon enough I will write long and confused posts about this bizarre rollercoaster ride I'm on, but first I wanted to say thank you. To all of you out there, and to those close to home. I have an amazing family who have rallied around me, parents who came and cried with me and made dinner and cleaned my refrigerator, friends who visited and sent gifts and let me cry all over them and took Henry on extended playdates. I have an impossibly sweet boy who has remained, I am pleased to say, mostly oblivious to what's going on. (Although this morning he pointed out that I haven't played with him in months. I have some serious catching up to do.) And I have the greatest husband of all time. (Sorry, ladies, but I win.) And if I say anything more about how much he's done for me, I'll start crying again, and sheesh, my mascara is already messed up enough. (Yes, I applied mascara this morning. I had this delusion that today maybe I wouldn't cry. Ha ha! HAAArggh hmm.)

More later.

Comments

[w.]

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better. I can't begin to try to understand what you must have gone through, but you're in my thoughts every day.

[Mitzi]

Still thinking of you here, too.

[Slim]

I don't want to tell you how to handle this, but you might want to pick a goal other than "not crying." Maybe "not crying while getting lashes dyed; afterwards, stand back."

I'm glad everyone's turning out to support you. Good for you for letting people know and for letting them help.

[Jen]

I wanted to share this website with you. It helped me a lot when it was me.

http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.com/

And a giant list of blogs by subject:

http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2006/06/whole-lot-of-blogging-brought-to-you.html

[dana wyzard]

STOP thinking that today you will feel better. STOP putting expectations on yourself. Don't you have enough on your plate? Expectations are another word for guilt as in: I SHOULD be feeling better by now. I SHOULDN'T still be crying.

SCREW THAT! You'll have days where you cry NEXT year over THIS year.

You need someone's lap to sit on so that they can hold you, rock you and say "There, there honey....it'll be okay."

[Ariel]

Hugs Hugs and more healing thoughts sent your way!We care about you so very much!

[janny226]

You are on my mind both day and night. (I'm pretty sure that's a song lyric but don't know where it's from.) I recommend writing about something else first if possible, especially something that makes you smile. Like maybe Henry. And that clean refrigerator, them's good people what did that! And I'll add more hugs to Ariel's coming your way.

[Melanie]

Alice:

I am so deeply sorry for your terrible loss. So sorry. My thoughts are with you and your dear, sweet family.

[Christine]

I didn't get to the last post until today. But man, I am so sorry. So sorry.

(Also, waterproof mascara or no mascara at all. I speak from experience.)

[Elizabeth]

Alice -- you are such an inspiration... Just keep on showing us all that grief is whatever YOU need it to be... That it's okay to keep on crying until you can stop... And then it's okay to cry some more again later. There was a life in my life that was cut short, it happened to be canine, but the feeling of being robbed, of missed opportunities, of life stolen away, is similar. A year and four months later, and I still feel robbed. Thanks for all you give to us moms who frequently feel less than gifted at this parenting thing -- my five year old and three year old boys can have me feeling quite a bit "at sea" but when you write about Henry, it's of substantial comfort to know it's NOT just me!

[Carrie]

Mascara is overrated.Maybe you and Henry need to bake cookies. With lots of big chocolate chunks. I know that won't actually help things, but it couldn't hurt. (My mother's genes come out when bad things happen and by all that's holy, there must be a comfort food to fix all ills. I wish.)

[Gen]

Miscarriage is an emotional rollercoaster. Rest assured that although the sad memory won't fade for awhile, your hormones will subside. I found the changing hormone levels amplified every feeling by 10 thousand percent. So cut yourself some slack on the not-crying-anymore vow. Hugs.

[sarah]

thinking of you

[Nicole]

Still thinking of you all. Thanks for taking the time to update all of us.

Not long after I miscarried, I stumbled upon this series at Slate.com:

http://www.slate.com/id/2077127/entry/2077168/

Dahlia Lithwick's entries in particular were, I thought, very profound. You'd want to check your own tolerances before reading them, of course, but I found the whole series to be quite comforting in an odd way.

[AEMom]

I'm glad you're feeling better Alice. Don't put any expectations on yourself -- just take things day by day. Some days will be better than others -- and that's OK. One day you'll feel up to writing a new hysterical post with your wonderful humour and we'll all be thrilled to read it.Hugs!

[RuthWells]

I love that your family knows how cheering a clean 'fridge can be. Hugs.

[that girl]

you'll never really *stop* crying. I still think about our loss from time to time and it surprises me. You will always have friends to lean on, and that's something to smile about... but you knew that already...

here for you if you need me!

[Barb]

Thank you for checking in. You remain in my thoughts. Be gentle with yourself.

[Velma]

I'm happy that you are being showered with love and attention and food and help and more love. It's what you need right now, and I think it helps.

[Sara]

You will get through this -- and in the meantime I'm rooting for you and thinking of you (along with the rest of the Internet, of course). Take your time, and don't worry about how much you cry. Seriously, it needs to happen.

[TEOM?]

It doesn't diminish the sadness one bit, nor remove any of its sting, but it is still amazing to realize how much love is around you at a time like this.

[paige]

You and your family are in my thoughts, Alice.

[daysgoby]

I wish for you peace. Also, removable mascara.

[daysgoby]

I wish for you peace. Also, washable mascara.

[daysgoby]

*sigh*