Overwhelmed.

I cannot begin to tell you how much all of your emails and comments have meant to me. I read each and every one of them, and every one of them helped more than I can say. (And yet I'm still sadder than I've ever been. This seems mathematically impossible, but my emotions are terrible at math.)

Right now I'm feeling a lot of things, and soon enough I will write long and confused posts about this bizarre rollercoaster ride I'm on, but first I wanted to say thank you. To all of you out there, and to those close to home. I have an amazing family who have rallied around me, parents who came and cried with me and made dinner and cleaned my refrigerator, friends who visited and sent gifts and let me cry all over them and took Henry on extended playdates. I have an impossibly sweet boy who has remained, I am pleased to say, mostly oblivious to what's going on. (Although this morning he pointed out that I haven't played with him in months. I have some serious catching up to do.) And I have the greatest husband of all time. (Sorry, ladies, but I win.) And if I say anything more about how much he's done for me, I'll start crying again, and sheesh, my mascara is already messed up enough. (Yes, I applied mascara this morning. I had this delusion that today maybe I wouldn't cry. Ha ha! HAAArggh hmm.)

More later.

Comments

[Carrie]

As my 4-year-old would say, why don't we just dig this right into the ground? As in, burn that shit up. We're thinking of you here in Chicago, Alice.

[Domestic Spaz]

I just found your blog and you have me in tears. I am so incredibly sorry for what you are enduring. I can't imagine your pain.

[Michelle]

I have thought about you many times since your sad news. I have so many friends who have gone through this, and in particular while trying to have a second child. Let yourself be sad, and give your husband and son a triple serving of hugs, and let yourself be hugged too. So sorry.

[hi kooky]

Hi Alice,

I haven't stood in your shoes, but I'm a mom and I think that what you're going through must be extremely difficult. No doubt. I think your reaction shows that you care deeply. I'm glad you've got lots of support. I'll say a prayer for comfort.

(On a selfish note, I'm majorly glad to see you're writing again. And also, considering you have beautiful eyes and dark hair, I think you should totally forget the mascara for now.)

[Sharon]

As a coworker of mine said to me the first time it happened to us, "Welcome to a new kind of normal."

Sorry to hear you've joined that club.

[SparklieSunShine]

I missed the post yesterday...I am so so sorry. This breaks my heart. My thoughts are with you and your family. :(

[Lisa V]

Alice I've been thinking of you. Not only is your heart broken and dreams dashed, but those damn hormones crashing just fuck with you so much. It's such a shitty place.

I used to listen to Reba McIntyre (sp?) and drive around and cry. Not safe, not deep, but theraputic.

I'm really sorry.

[Karen]

I can't even re-read your earlier post, it makes me so sad. So I can imagine that your grief is exponential light-years as much, how could it not be? I admire your incredible courage in being public with your pain.

If you're into spiritual reincarnational explanations for why painful sucky things happen sometimes, I do that sort of thing and can recommend others as well.

Thanks for this gift of yourself you're giving even through your pain. Wow.

[Mom101]

Leave it to you to find the silver linings - the husband being a big one and the refrigerator...well, that's pretty big too.

This too shall pass.

[rebecca]

Delurking to say,Just keep holding on. It does get better, though the road is tough. Please give yourself permission to grieve...you need it. It has been almost 2 months since I lost my baby, and though it still feels like it just happened sometimes, the pain has lessened considerably. my heart is with you.

[Tara-Lynn]

I am glad you have such a good support system. Take care of yourself.

[Karyn]

Nothing to say....just hugs.

[R.]

The Slate article was helpful, but it brought back the anger. I was so dumb. Literally. Just kept my mouth shut. Didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything, so no one said anything, so I got mad because no one cared, so I didn't say anything, so I got mad...endless loop.

You, as usual, are splendidly expressive.

Hundreds of years and several children later, I still miss that first lost child. Ok, not quite hundreds. More like twenty. We really do love each and every baby we have individually. Awesome, this maternal love. It is worth the pain to experience this fierce love.

[Optimist]

Sending you blessings and understanding.

I love your writing - thanks for sharing with us.

xoxo

[kim]

we recently ran into the (then) first year resident who couldn't find our nearly 15 week (first) baby's heart. i can't tell you how wonderful- and hard- it was to tell her we have two kids now.

been down that dark way. just keep going straight, it clears farther along.

and work the refrigerator cleaners for all they're worth ;)

so sorry for your loss.

[Rae]

Hey, first time reader here after I read your article in WonderTime.

For what it's worth, I'm a week past my D&C, and haven't cried since... Monday? Well, not more than my eyes welling up before I can blink it all back, anyway. There's a line in a song that's been stuck in my head today - 'it still does hurt, just not as long,' that comes close to summing it up for me.

Your story was nearly identical to mine, just a week or two later. I'm so sorry it's happening to you; I've never been through anything harder. Even though I've only known about your (fantastic) writing for a few hours, it breaks my heart to read this. There's nothing anyone can say to make it better, or that isn't really awkward, but I'm sorry it happened, and I'm sending up prayers and good thoughts on your behalf. Be gentle with yourself.

[K]

Alice,

I cried for months after my first miscarriage. After the miscarriage, I had an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured and nearly killed me. It was utterly devastating. Most surprisingly, to everyone, including us, I then went on to have 3 naturally conceived children--including a set of twins! I love my children with every fiber of my being, but I will never forget the pain of the miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy. I still think of those babies and mourn for them.

I will continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts. Brighter days are ahead. Blessings.

K

[G]

I am so sorry that you aren't being given the peace to mourn and to rationalize grief in any way that you want, that others are hijacking your words to explain their own griefs. Their hypersensitivity will always be there: your words were not offensive and I am sorry for the intrusion.

[Lauxa]

We have been camping for a week with no internet so I just read your update. Just wanted to check in to extend my sympathies and let you know I am thinking of you.

[Shamelessly Sassy]

I'm terribly late with this comment. Mostly because I don't know what to say sometimes in situations of the sort. But I'm delurking from my usual just plain stalking, i mean reading, to say that I'm keeping you in my thoughts. Also, knowing someone who will clean your refrigerator is amazing. No joke. If someone cleaned mine, no matter what the situation was..I'd owe them. Mostly I'd owe them because they'd catch something from it. Anyway, as the person in the comment above me said in such a lovely manner, I am here to extend my sympathies.

[Jen]

I am so, so sorry for all the pain you are going through. I can't give any advice or platitudes, but I can tell you that the new Clinique mascara is utterly tear proof. Feel free to mourn your awesome baby genius and wear makeup at the same time. I realize this probably sounds like an ad, but it's all I could think of to say in the face of something so sad.