Plus it sounds like the Globetrotters are really phoning it in these days
October 1, 2012My son's school held an assembly about bullying the other day, and this, from what I could cobble together during our conversation, is how it went. Needless to say, I am concerned. What kind of school am I sending him to?!
In the classroom.
Teacher [rousing himself from his desk nap]: Time for an assembly about bullying. Everyone line up 50 times and I'll decide which was the best one and make you do that one. I only pretend to be nice when grown-ups are around.
Teacher [to himself]: Henry was the only one who did it right, if I'm being honest with myself, but I will never tell him that.
In the auditorium.
Principal: Look, here's some guy who will tell you not to bully. He is from Harlem. He is a Harlem Globe Something.
Guy [holding basketball, being tall] Don't bully. I don't know why, but don't. By the way, I play basketball. I am very very very famous.
[He dribbles the ball across the stage for like an hour while the audience sits in silence.]
Guy: I'm going to ask someone to come up here with me. You.
Girl in audience: Me?
Guy: Yes.
Girl: Okay.
Guy: Here's how to dribble a ball. [Watches her for a few awkward minutes.] No, you don't do it right. isn't that right, everyone? Don't bully.
Girl: Oh. [Gets off stage.]
Guy: If you bully me, I will bounce my basketball on you. Off of you? Whatever. I am still famous. Don't bully, the end. [He wanders off.]
Principal: That was the most fun assembly we will ever have. Okay you can leave now. Go.
Teacher [to his class]: Now we'll go back to the classroom and sit with our hands folded until it's time to leave. Your parents think we are teaching you! P.S. Your homework today will be extra long and it will include things I never explained.
Reader Comments (46)
I don't know....sounds like every school assembly I ever went to.
This is hilarious! I almost never laugh at loud at blog posts, even the truly funny ones, but I couldn't stop myself. What a great rendition of the answer to, 'What did you do at school today?' (Which, over here, was "nothing", with an occasional "at recess I sat by myself and tried to turn bark chips into boats," or "we had a spelling test" right up until third grade (knock on wood that it continues).)
We had an assembly that featured a magician who told us that "non-toxic means you can feed it to your little brother!"
I just fell off the sofa laughing. Also, I was always the girl with the basketball. I'm still terrified of balls.
You slay me! Pitch perfect, this.
Omg, that's hilarious. Also, thank you. I suddenly feel much less anxious about homeschooling.
You just summed up my entire middle school experience.
I saw the Harlem Globetrotters when I was in elementary school and it sounds like they haven't changed much. Just, you know, being tall and stuff. They are also horrible dribbling coaches.
Clearly this is truth :) According to my son, all he does at school is go to recess and learn how to say good morning in French (and this level of hard work does not ever allow him enough time to finish his lunch).
Wow, I think your son goes to the same school as mine. Sounds like they even have the same teacher.
You know what? My son went to the SAME SCHOOL as Henry. Except his was in California and I think yours is in New York. AND THEY HAD/HAVE THE SAME TEACHER. And Principal.
What a coincidence.
As a sixth grade teacher, I find this particularly hilarious.
Something something something TEAMWORK HIGH FIVE
Awesome. My kids had the same exact assembly, but instead of a basketball player they had tall teenagers standing on a series of boxes. Apparently, the higher the box the bigger the bully, so.....um.
That reminds me of the "Butt Out" Assembly in "South Park!"
http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/104382/blowing-smoke
Wow you sound like an delusional cunt. Maybe you should send your kids somewhere else or teach them yourself if you think you can do better you ignorant parochial twat. Sounds like you make your judgements based on your stupid child's poor perceptions. Good luck with whatever it is you consider to be parenting and sorry for your child.
Alice, this is PERFECT. Oh, how I love you!!!!
Shawn, your post is almost as funny, but not quite.
We might need to bounce a basketball off of (on?) Shawn.
So funny, Alice!
LOL
I think it's so important to remember both how jumbled things can get in a child's mind AND how much more they understand than we think. (And stuff.)
Shawn, for the last time, I'm *married.* Stop trying to seduce me with your words.
I wish I was as articulate and thoughtful as Shawn. The best I've been able to muster is to call Alice a "large banana." Just doesn't have the same emotional punch.
Wait, is Shawn a teacher at the school? Is Shawn part of the bit? Awesome to keep the satire going in the comments section. A little more rough than the original intent and tone, but amusing still.
Shawn I love how you also remembered to call her child stupid! Ha! Fantastic. You really show'd her. Hope you learned your lesson, Alice. NEVER JOKE ABOUT THE GLOBETROTTERS!
I would like to congratulate Shawn on being able to find "parochial" in the dictionary and for his or her examplary use of the Roget's Lady-Parts thesaurus. Well done Shawn!