Questions, questions.

How can you tell if a place just isn’t right for you?

When do you decide you’ve had enough?

At what point do you tell yourself, I’ve given this a fair shake, and I don’t like it, and at least now I know?

We don’t like it here. We just don’t. It’s not the house. We love the house. It’s everything else.

We’re terrible homeowners. The constant deterioration of one’s home and the resulting need for regular maintenance fills us with panic. We resent the weekends being used up by trips to Home Depot or the nursery.

We’re farther from both our families. Our days of getting free babysitting from the grandparents are over. Henry misses them.

I never realized how much I would hate not being able to walk to something.

There’s so much else. But in the end what it comes down to is: it’s not Brooklyn. Which I knew, moving in! Didn’t I know that? Why am I so surprised? I suppose because I lived in the suburbs growing up, and thought I knew what I was getting myself into.

We’re thinking of returning to Brooklyn and renting. Finding a place we can afford in a good school district may actually be impossible for us, but we’re looking into it.

I feel like a failure. We will undoubtedly take a loss on this place. All I can think is, why did we move? Why did we listen to everyone else telling us we had to leave the city, and not to ourselves?

Or are we being premature? Should we tough it out? When do you really know something isn’t right?

Comments

[capello]

You know when you know.

At least you tried something new. Most people never take a gamble because they are scared... you tried and now you all realized what's important to you.

[PK]

Do not you dare beat yourselves up over this if you do decide to move back, even if you take a total bath with the house. That's life, getting all effed up and making the wrong choices and then realizing how happy you are once you get yourself back where you need to be. You can't know the answers until you trust yourself, and you can't do that if you're too busy calling yourself an idiot for something you can't take back anyway.And good luck. It will work out. Swear.

[Heather]

Listen to your gut, Alice.

[daysgoby]

If you hate it, you hate it.'Nuff said.

[Carolyn]

If you don't love it after three months, you never will. Can you rent the house to another family so you don't take such a big loss?

[Sarah]

I'd say go with your gut instinct too - especially if both partners' guts are saying the same thing. I think you're very brave for facing the decision. Good luck :-)

[Julie]

Life is about trying different things. Doesn't mean you'll like it all. Doesn't mean it is the right decision everytime. I think you'd be worse off trying to tough it out when nobody is happy. If you are ready, cut your losses and move. Good luck!!

[beautifulmess]

i think your gut usually knows what's right for you. and i've also found that you make decisions (like moving to new jersey) for a reason. you may not KNOW what that reason is right now, & everything may seem like a monumental mess, but i just know that you're gonna end up somewhere that's going to make you even happier than you were at your previous place in brooklyn. don't feel like a failure, because you're not. it takes a lot more strength & courage to know what's right for yourself (moving back) & to do it, then to stay in a place & be miserable. good luck.

[Sue]

We were homeowners for many many years. Ultimately, all it got us was the opportunity to refinance our ways out of homeownership. I have never done the math but I would say we spent more than we made on equity by far. And what is homeownership really other than the opportunity to rent from the mortgage company while being fully responsible for the care and maintenance of a cantankorous behemoth? Being a parent is enough of that already!

Now that we rent there are no more weeds to pull, no more grass to cut, no more snow to shovel, the trash is not our problem and when the fridge started to die a slow painful death, a few months ago, we called the landlord to have it humanely put down and replaced. She didn't take care of it as fast as we would have, but she paid for it and that was what counted.

Seems like there are two directions to swing after making a mistake: fix it or live with it. If living with it hurts more than it feels OK, and you have the option, fix it! That's my free advice du jour, it's yours for the taking or leaving.

[Sonja]

Oy. That's hard. It took me two years to start feeling at home in CA. That's not to say that that would be the magical time at which you'd be used to any place, it's just what worked for me.If you hate it, you hate it. You're not a failure for trying to make yourself happy.

[Bethiclaus]

It sounds like you already know. Forget the people who say otherwise, the city is a great place to have a family!

[margalit]

I think you need to give it a full year. Moving is horribly stressful, and all the 'experts' say that you need a full year to recover. I know that when I move to California I had the exact same reaction and regrets you have, and then stayed for 4 years before I decided to return home to Boston. When we got back to Boston it took more than a year to feel like it was the right decision, and I've lived here since 1976.

You have to give it a chance. Home ownership is a big change from renting. Something is always broken, but eventually your life will be wrapped up in your home. Maybe it's the wrong house. You can still live in the burbs and walk everywhere. I don't drive and I get pretty much everything I need within walking distance, so it can be done.

Good luck, and try to stick it out to at least give it a decent trial.

[Lisa V]

You know Alice, right now. You could wait longer and maybe you would acclimate and get used to it. But you will still miss your home ultimately.

I spent a year in Tucson trying to toughen up and like the place. I never did. Not for the good job. Not for the many nice people who became my friends. It wasn't home and because of that I would never be happy. I moved home and have never regretted it for a moment.

It sounds like it's time for plan B. Move back to Brooklyn. Make it work, and be happy even if you have to make some concessions. Home is home and you can't change that.

[menoblog]

I have some experience with moving. I have learned that it takes me about two years to feel comfortable, find friends, know where the cool things are, feel "at home" and stop comparing the place i last left to this one.

Having said that, i NEVER did come to like Colorado Springs and we lived there for 4 years.

Get the fuck out. But don't rush.

[Magrak]

Alice -

Is there no middle way? Could you sell this house and rent a place in NJ that is near the good school but walking distance from shops? Or, rent a place that is closer to your families but not back in the city?

Or, rent this house to someone else and rent an apartment in the nearest town? We were told we needed to keep a house for 3 years to justify the closing costs, etc.

I agree that home ownership is overrated. We owned, we sold, we rented for a year (the carefreeness! the extra $ at the end of the month!), and now we own again (the lawn! the weeds! the missing support beams in the ceiling OVER MY KIDS' BEDS!)

On the other hand, I think it takes more than 3 months to shake off post-NY-stress-syndrome. I grew up in what is now called the East Village and it took me a year or two -- everything seemed so quiet and dull where I moved to.

But I love where I live now (Seattle) and when I visit NY it seems very grimy and crowded. Then I revel in the cultural vibrancy and great food and quirky shops and wonderful friends. Then I go home to where it is easy to drive and my kids have whole open fields to themselves at the park.

Also, all that Home Depot stuff peters out after 4 or 5 months. If nothing else, you run out of money to do it with. You kind of have to pick your battles as a homeowner -- if you do decide to stay, you will have decades to get all those projects done.

Basically, do follow your gut, but make sure your gut has had a chance to relax first.

[karen]

Well. There's nothing that says more about you, about who you are, than your home, right? After all, it's really just an extension of yourself, a shell somewhat larger than yourself made over into your image.

So. You can either change who you are, or change where you live to fit who you think and feel you are.

Either way, you'll be home. But it might take some painful introspection to get there.

Life is so fucking complicated, isn't it? No easy answers to anything. Gah.

[Sarah]

I think I've left this same comment on your blog everytime you post about missing Brooklyn, but here goes again...

We moved from the heart of downtown Chicago to the suburbs of Detroit about 9 months ago.

I hate it here so much I can't even describe. I hate driving period. I hate not being able to walk anywhere. I hate my neighbors who have never lived anywhere else and are creepy and Twilight Zoney and judgmental and don't like us. I hate quiet. I hate the lack of anonymoty. I hate that there are no good ethnic restaurants. I hate that we can't see a movie that is not directed by Jerry Bruckenheimer or starring Bruce Willis or both. I hate that our nearest big city is Detroit, which is really the worst city of its size in the entire US, all things considered. I hate everything about this place.

My husband, unfortunately, loves his job. Adores it. And makes lots of money...after 18 months of soul-crushing unemployment.

Whenever I complain, people say, "I used to hate it here too. It takes 3-5 years to really learn to like a place."

I don't want to learn to like this place. I don't want to finally accept that I live in crapland. I don't want to just put up and shut up. I want to go back to a real city.

If you guys are both in agreement about this one, I say run, Forest, run.

[Anne]

Oh God. Alice, I am a wishy washy person incapable of decision which is probably why I'd just stay where I am, if I were you (a little confusion on the tenses here, sorry about that). On the other hand, as I face into my fourth Summer without a garden and with children, I'm beginning to think that there's something in what my friend says about living your life now and not drifting along hoping all well be well. See, wishy washy advice.

[Karen]

It sounds like you know in your gut that it's not right, especially since you have so many reasons. I say always listen to your gut.

[Carla Hinkle]

It took me 2 years to feel like Los Angeles was home. About 3 months to feel like San Francisco was home. Maybe a year to feel like San Diego was home.

But all came to feel like home eventually, and all had plusses and minuses. I agree with the folks who said you should really give it a year. Right now that is No Fun. But I don't think 3 months is really enough.

[Sarah]

PS. I dislike it here so very much that last time we were in Newark, where my husband's company has an office, I begged him to try to get a transfer because compared to where we live now it is a hustling, bustling, thriving, cosmopolitan metropolis.

[Ursula]

I moved three times in my first year out of college (ergo, jumping from one professional job to another to waitressing in Colorado), I can honestly say, "give it a year." "But that's so long," you immediately want to reply.

Yes. And no. I really, really believe that it takes a year to recover from the (frequently unconcious) strain of moving in the first place. After the third jump, I stayed put for a whole year, not because I really loved the place but because I sort of ran out of options. And by the end of the year I genuinely loved where I lived and was sad to leave. I was looking at housing prices and thinking about buying a business (I'm batshit crazy sometimes). But nine months before? I couldn't wait until the year was up and I could return to the east coast.

Point being: it's amazing the difference a less than a year can make. Maybe you won't love NJ anymore in a year. But you'll have had the house longer, maybe make some more money off it, and -- most importantly -- you really will feel like you gave it a fair shot. A year from now, you won't feel the need to post the idea of moving in the form of a question.

[zoom!]

A failure? A failure is when you recognize you took a wrong turn and refuse to fix it. You're allowed to try things and not like them and change directions and re-trace your steps along the twisty path of life. Just figure out the most sensible plan for getting back home, so you don't take too much of a loss on the house. Be happy - you're going home where your hearts will open up again!

[christa]

I wish I had some great answers for you. I moved to the bay area from Oregon in December, but my husband didn't move here until April. I still feel like a tourist here. Lately, all I can think about is "this is the rest of your life, this is the rest of your life." As long as I was in school I knew that if situations weren't perfect, it was only temporary, but now with my husband and I both having real jobs here, this is likely where we will stay for the forseeable future.My only solution as of now is to try and actively recruit my grad school friends and any not quite settled family members to move here. If you figure out something better, please let me know.

[madge]

If you DO decide to go back, don't worry too much about school district. It's a long and arduous process, but you can variance out of your neighborhood into a better school district. Go to this website for tips on navigating the NYC school system:

insideschools.org

You probably know all about this site, but just thought I'd throw it out.

Also, I feel your pain. I'll be a little green if you guys go back. You'll have to have a Gorilla iced coffee for me.