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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
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Friday
Sep232011

Someone's a big girl! 

Today is my mom's birthday. 75 years ago today, Mary Anne Mariano (yes, that's her maiden name) was born a poor Italian child, in Queens, New York. She didn't even own a shirt until she was in high school.

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I may be outing my mom, because a number of her friends and acquaintances thinks she's 65. Not only do they think she's 65, they also believe (correctly) that she looks extraordinarily good for a 65-year-old. I'm a little concerned that if any of them find out the truth they won't survive the shock/envy. Then again, none of those people know how to work an Internet.

At any rate: it is impossible to sum up how wonderfully hilarious and infuriating my mother is. She is a never-ending source of entertainment and blog material. Here, in no particular order, is but a sampling of just some of the insightful/hilarious/baffling tidbits my mother has passed along to me throughout these many years.

75 Things My Mom Has Told Me

1. I don't trust boring people.

2. Be proud of your ass. Seriously. It's a good ass. You got that from me.

3. Don't chew gum with your mouth open.

4. When you're really stuck, just act like you're stupid.

5. You will never beat me at arm wrestling. But you're getting better! No, really, I kind of had to resist this time.

6. This music is not too loud. Don't be an old lady.

7. If you're playing loud music and not dancing, there's something wrong with you.

8. Add lots of olive oil to that.

9. I'm sure you kids make fun of me behind my back. Whatever.

10. It's a funny story--they thought I was a prostitute! Of course I wasn't.

11. I can teach you how to salsa, get up.

12. Going to bed before midnight is weird.

13. You need to get rich so I can live in a wing of your house. Or a floor, I'll take a floor.

14. It's 5 pm. That's cocktail hour.

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15. Don't take yourself so seriously.

16. If you're going to make your bed, do a good job at least.

17. All those celebrities are gay. All of them.

18. I swear I don't know what I'm going to do with you.

19. You might be annoyed with me now, but someday you're going to miss this.

20. There is nothing better than broccoli rabe. IT'S FULL OF ANTI-OXIDANTS.

21. No one should ski. Who the hell likes the cold?

22. You should listen to that woman on the radio, what's her name. She's smart.

23. Always wear a little makeup.

24. You know who flirts with women in their 70s? Men in their 90s. It's disgusting.

25. My father had beautiful feet.

26. What? It's not weird to know about your father's feet.

27. Don't write anything you wouldn't want your mother to read.

28. Those Swiffer things, what do you call them, they're the best.

29. You can too drink wine while you're pregnant.

30. Doctors never know what they're talking about.

31. Don't make me worry.

32. Everything's going to be fine! I said the Rosary about it.

33. You'll always have your family.

34. Except the family members who are pieces of crap.

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35. I don't care how little money you have, that's no reason not to get a pedicure.

36. There's no excuse for not knowing how to spell. Okay, maybe dyslexia. I'm not talking about that!

37. You can't go wrong with beige. Or a nice ecru.

38. There are some good things about getting old. You lose all your body hair, which is nice.

39. If you're feeling bad, you can wallow for a while, and then you get over it!

40. When you get older, the key word is "dewy," Alice. You want to look dewy.

41. There's nothing wrong with only having one kid. Sometimes I wished I only had one! I don't mean it like THAT.

42. Make fun of me all you like. I'll haunt you some day.

43. Cheap crap is crap. Why would you buy cheap crap?

44. I'm so glad you're not dyeing your hair that horrible red color anymore. I didn't want to say anything.

45. Birthday cards don't count unless they're sent in the mail. [Note: I screw this one up every year.]

46. You were the first one of my children to call on my birthday! You're my favorite this year.

47. Those e-cards don't count. Don't you dare send me those.

48. Fine, I'll cut down on the Christmas gifts, but I have to get you something.

49. Your boyfriend is Jewish? Good. I have no problem with the Jews.

50. New York in the fifties!

51. Why would anyone live in New Jersey? That's where they dump the bodies.

52. Before I got my cataracts removed, I looked amazing.

53. No boys allowed in your bedroom. I don't care if it's your gay friend.

54. I never did anything half as embarrassing to you as my mother did to me. [Pretty sure this is true.]

55. When I die, cremate me and throw my ashes at Harry Belafonte. [This may not be something she said, but it is something I'm planning.]

56. Of course I'm going to spoil Henry. I'm the grandma. Get over it.

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57. I'm just saying, I think she might be gay. She wears these glasses and she has that short hair.

58. Also she lives with this other woman and they sleep in the same bed. You can't tell me that's not a thing.

59. What do you mean, you're not coming home for Thanksgiving Eve?

60. When that dog of yours dies, I don't want to be around.

61. I'd never live in a place where there's a dry heat. Those people all look like mummies.

62. You definitely did not get my chest. I've got nothing.

63. There is nothing I hate more than texting.

64. I happened to think those email jokes were funny. I'll never send you any jokes ever again. Don't be like what?

65. It's just money, Alice.

66. I don't know where we are! Your father's driving.

67. You didn't call so I left you a message. Not "several" messages.

68. I love that blog you wrote! "Post," whatever.

69. I just hope you're raising Henry with some religion. I'm not saying you have to go to CHURCH.

70. Never lie to your mother.

71. You were always so modest growing up. And now…

72. I don't know where you learned that fucking language.

73. Just hope you didn't inherit those Irish genes, because believe me they did not age well. Their faces all fall to their waists.

74. Life is too short.

75. Call your mother.

I love you, Mom. Happy birthday. And here's to another 75 years! If anyone could pull that off it would be you.

Please, everyone, wish my mom a happy birthday. And if you feel like sharing any words of wisdom your mother has imparted to you at some point in your life, that would be great.

Reader Comments (140)

Happy Birthday, Mary Anne! Hilarious quotes, really enjoyed the wit and wisdom!

September 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNan

Happy Belated Birthday Alice's Mom! When my niece tells my mom that I have a messy house and it's all her fault she tells her (and then me later on the phone) "There are more important things in life than housework. Enjoy life, the mess will wait."

September 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAmy in StL

Happy Birthday Mary Anne Mariano

My favorite quotes from my own beautiful almost 86 year old mom

"Don't cross your eyes, they"ll stick that way" (I still never do)

"If all your friends jumped off a bridge...would you"

September 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBeth

I am super angry that I don't know your mom. She sounds awesome.

My mother just says boring things like, "bless her heart" or "unscrew your bellybutton and your legs will fall off" or "that bump on your tongue is a lie blister - what lie did you tell?"

September 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSCJ

What a great post! What a juicy invitation.

My mom:

"I sat next to a gay man on a plane, but he was not the attractive kind of gay."
"Shhh, I always vote Democrat, but don't tell your father."
"He's really handsome in the lower half of his face."
"How could you let my grandson's bed be pointed NORTH?"

September 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMinnams

Your mother is awesome, and 72 made me laugh long and hard. (This would be fine if I wasn't in a library.)

September 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKel

I realize this is belated, but Happy Birthday to your mom nonetheless!

I can think of one wise (ish) thing my mom told me when we were looking for a house: "You can't live in a view." We didn't buy the house in question for a variety of reasons, but she is right. There are more important things than a view.

September 28, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa

Happy Birthday Mary Anne

Thank you for giving the Internet your wonderful Alice.

September 28, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAEMom

Happy Birthday Alice's Mom! In regards to numbers 6 and 7 on your list, Rachel Platten's hit single "1,000 Ships" can never be played too loud. Check it out here http://bit.ly/nv9DBS. It'll keep you dancing :-)

September 28, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterA Happy Birthday Tune

I certainly hope my kids can come up with half as many "mom-isms" as you did! You clearly adore your mom and that is a blessing. Happy birthday to her...she sounds fabulous!

September 29, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKit

I am so late to this party that I'm certain your mother is going to critique my etiquette. But tell her Happy Belated Birthday anyway.

Wisdom from my mother: "Don't have any more children. You live too far away for me to see them so what would be the point?"

September 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJaelithe

Hello Alice!

FYI: I'm nominating you for the prestigious and highly coveted Versatile Blogger Award on Monday (which you can accept, or not...it's completely up to you)! Congratulations! :-D

Incidentally, my post (Food for Thought) will be live around 5am EST and I've linked to your site. Hope that was okay and that you'll be somewhat flattered. ;-)

Thanks so much for writing so well (hence, the award)!

Best,

Melinda aka Planet Mom
www.melindawentzel.com
P.S. Happy birthday to your mom!!! Kewl post!

September 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMelinda Wentzel

Happy birthday Alice's Mom!

Rules from my mom:

Never marry a man who: doesn't think Morecambe and Wise is funny, doesn't eat gravy, can't use a knife and fork correctly, and has more than one first name.

I guess Billy Bob Thornton is out of the running then, damn.

October 3, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBecky

I wish my mom was awesome like yours!!, I thought you mom's may be interested in the newest kids craze in my town, Patch Hats! Check out a hat you have never seen before here at www patchhats com

October 5, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterpatchhats

So great article, the information is what I’m looking for. Thanks for your sharing

October 11, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermedical-x-ray machine

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