Sugar is delicious
November 9, 2010I recently received an email I thought I'd share with you, which read, sort of (I'm paraphrasing because I'm too lazy to go back and check my email):
Hi Alice! I remember you writing about not eating sugar anymore, and I was wondering, are you still doing that?
Here's my response:
Dear reader: You know what I remember? I remember you thinking you're so great because you get to remind people of stuff they said, like, a year ago, stuff they may or may not be doing anymore because time passes and Snickers still exist, and then I believe I recall you patting yourself on the back because of that, and then laughing your stupid laugh and all your friends thinking, "God, she sounds so dumb when she laughs like that" but they're too nice to say so, but it's true. Ha, ha! Top THAT!
She then replied:
I'm confused. Why are you so upset with me? It was an honest question. I was just wondering if you were still doing that. And just so you know, my laugh sounds like thousands of tiny crystal bells, tinkling in heaven. I record my laughs for friends, for whenever they're feeling bereft. I got paid to laugh in a studio audience until the producers realized that my laugh was so transportingly beautiful that it brought the entire production to a halt, while everyone stared at me in reverent silence, just taking in my ineffable peals and whatever.
My reply:
You said tinkling! TINKLING! Boy, are you a dummy.
She replied:
?
And I said:
YEAH!!!
And she replied:
I'm beginning to suspect that you fell off the sugar-wagon. Is that what you're trying to tell me, Ms. Bradley?
And I was all:
...yes.
And then she was like:
There, now. Was that so hard?
And I said:
No. I'm sorry. I'm glad you have a pretty laugh. I...I'm just filled with shame. It's so stupid of me! The one thing that made me feel the best I have ever felt in my life was giving up sugar, and now here I am one year later cramming fun-sized Halloween leftovers into my mouth and crying and staring in horror at my acne and wondering why my pants don't fit. You're not the dummy. I am. I am the dummy. The dumb dummy who likes chocolate too much.
Then she didn't reply, probably out of disgust, or pity, or a potent combination of the two.
It's true, readers. I didn't just fall off the sugar wagon--I catapulted myself off of it and landed in a field of candy corn. And then I ate that field.
I thought you should know.
I will now strive for what the reasonable, intelligent people call "moderation." We'll see how that goes.
Reader Comments (49)
Just sitting here wishing I had a question to email you...
wow...that was intense...intense like someone who is on a cleanse.
I think that Snickers is way more good than people are dumb. Clearly the work of a devil who is tinkling on people as they laugh in Fun-sized Heaven.
Fun-sized means you burn all the calories of the candy bar off just by having to open the tiny little package. Repeatedly.
Oh, Alice. I love you. That is all.
You ate a pound of sugar just prior to writing that post, didn't you?
My understanding of "moderation" is "avoiding diabetic coma." It's very workable. No offense to the readers currently in a diabetic coma!
:)
Eh, moderation is overrated (she said, while funneling a giant bag of peanut M&Ms down her pie hole).
Oh, I am so glad to read this. I stopped using sugar last year expressly because your post inspired me so much! Then about a month or so ago, I started putting it in my coffee again. It's been a slippery slope since then, and I have been feeling somewhat guilty. But I enjoy my coffee so much more now! Anyway, very glad to hear you have fallen off the wagon as well. Misery loves company, and all.
I love you so hard. now give me one of those snickers.
mmm...sugar...
I too have fallen off the sugar wagon. I felt great while I was doing it but sugar is EVERYWHERE! and delicious! At least soda is still reserved for special occasions.
On another note, what's up with the partial feed? I thought the "Top THAT!" excerpt was the whole post because that's all my feed shows and there isn't any link to read more. Luckily I remembered your beautiful new redesign and clicked through.
... totally never tried the sugar wagon, though i don't have a sweet tooth, so maybe it's not so bad for me.
but! I did want to say that the partial feed makes me cry teeny tiny salty tears (as i have a taste for salt).
okay, maybe it doesn't, but it would make me ever so happy if I could see entire posts in my reader again. (grin) pretty please?
I think Allie R has it right...which means I end up with negative calories cause I nab the fun-sized bars from our office manager who is easily five cubicles away.
And to follow that same note from Alison, interesting. My partial feed in Google Reader started with the "Dear Reader..." and was confused when I clicked over to the site and saw a different post...
You totally had chocolate smeared all over your face as you wrote this, didn't you?
Oscar Wilde said it best. "Everything in moderation, including moderation."
Moderation...is...good, but only in moderation
(otherwise it can become boring. Although no one has actually died of boredom, my children have come awfully close when repeating the phrase "Daaaa-aaaad, I'm bored" a gazillion times)
What's all this about a partial feed? NO! Partial feed bad! I will fix. Thanks for letting me know, nice people.
All right, the feed is now fixed.
I blame the Ritz, sending that stuff to your room.
Yes, I have memorized each of your posts. Sugar made it possible.
I wish I could favorite some of my comments.
What's worst about binging on post-Halloween fun size candy (I am there too, sister) is that it FEELS LIKE CRAP IN EVERY OTHER PART OF YOUR BODY EXCEPT YOUR MOUTH. I had to shout that. I can feel those Heath bars (less expensive than a bag of Snickers) uurping down into my digestive system and repulsing everything in sight and resonantly ewwwing up the whole place and still I reach for another one the next day. Empathy.
You're way funnier with sugar. I've read your posts when you're not eating sugar. You were so weepy. GOD.
Thanks a lot. Now i'm hankering for a Snickers bar. If I die from a sugar induced coma It's going to be your fault. You practically shoved it in my mouth at gunpoint and forced me to eat it.
R.I.P. 09thehippy
A field of candy corn sounds absolutely delicious.