Swiftly fly the years, and shit.

I am outraged.

I just returned from a marathon of emotional manipulation the likes of which I have not experienced since that fucking E.T. almost died but then (spoiler alert!) didn't die and returned to his alien peoples. And I am outraged! I said that already.

Picture, if you will, twenty rosy-cheeked preschoolers wearing paper mortarboards, solemnly processing to a taped version of "Pomp and Circumstance." Then those same preschoolers singing a cappella songs about growing up and learning their numbers. Then those SAME damn kids, some of them waving to their parents, getting their preschool diplomas. And wait a minute, one of them is your son! And he's standing incredibly still so as to keep the mortarboard on his head, and he's gazing at his diploma with obvious satisfaction and pride! And his teachers are crying! DAMN THEM ALL TO HELL. I was there to take pictures and congratulate my son, not frantically blink back tears while scouring my purse for a used Kleenex. My stomach still hurts from holding in the sobs. Dicks! All of them!

And it's not even like he's really graduating from preschool—he still has another year of preschool because some genius decided to be born six days after the cut-off date. But still, DAMN IT, it was adorable.

While you're here, I've got a Wonderland post from this week for you to read, and also from last week. Please note that the URL for Wonderland has changed. There are some exciting new changes over at Alphamom, including new Baby Name Finder and Product Ratings sections. Change is good, unless it arrives in the form of your child graduating and his school faculty and administration creating an event designed solely to make you sing "Sunrise, Sunset" to yourself and leave mascara puddles on your husband's button-down.

Comments

[Erika]

I am right there with you. My oldest "graduated" Pre-k a couple of years ago. On another note, on the subject of bringing tears, I'm reading 1-2-3 Magic in hopes of enjoying my children again, and when I read the beginning, I started tearing up. Imagine! Liking my children!

[Kerri]

My 3rd of 4 sons just finished preschool and is heading to kindergarten in the fall. It's not a full day, but at least it's 5 half-days. Anyway, he didn't have a 'graduation'. Instead, he participated with his classmates as well as the kids from the morning class in a combined "End of the Year Celebration". An appropriate title it is, and he will have the same 'celebration' when he finishes kindergarten next year. Let's call a spade a spade. Save the tears for the real darn thing when they GRADUATE from high school.

[alice]

Why are people getting all judgmental about some involuntary tears? It was touching.

[LetterB]

Why indeed? I cried all the way through a movie the other night (a comedy!). Hardly as sweet and affecting as my son's preschool graduation. Please do not stone me, Internet.

[Pete Dunn]

I cried at the end of Band of Brothers. Seriously. Tears. From my eyes.

[jen]

Oh! Congrats to Henry! I bet it was so great for him.My son is officially a third grader now. And, while I was in Chicago this weekend, my husband took my guy to the barber, and they CUT OFF ALL HIS HAIR. When I left I had a shaggy haired little imp! I came home to a neat and clean almost eight year old. And I wept.

[Deb Abramson]

Alice, I think people may be confusing your feeling touched and proud with being overly indulgent--like, somehow, because you cried, you think and act as if Henry's ability to wake up each morning is evidence of his superior intelligence and limitless gifts. It reminds me of the whole angry backlash against "My kid is a special kid at..." bumper stickers. And, unlike those bumper stickers, which, in any case, are pretty benign, you are choosing to share this experience with readers who also have a choice not to read.

I agree there is a trend toward overindulgence, and even a kind of, I don't know, marketing or packaging of childhood, but I don't think this post is any kind of proof.

[Rivetergirl]

Those preschool bastards with their love and kindness teaching our children the pride of accomplishment.

[BOSSY]

Just moments from a clean getaway you had to get all Sunrise Sunset on Bossy's ass. (quiet weeping)

[aimee/greeblemonkey]

I am sooooooo glad I accidentally planned a vacation that overlapped with preschool graduation. Yet, somehow, I suspect, the emotional torture of Kindergarten next year will be ten-fold.

[Karrie]

Dude. I totally just had the same experience. I was startled and pissed to find myself all red faced and tear stained when I thought I was attending a 'concert' at my daughter's preschool. WTF?

[Jackie Blue]

Yes, you have the right to get weepy over anything you want: a leaf falling from a tree, a run in your stocking, whatever. I just don't know if I can be friends with someone who cries over, let alone attends, a pre-school graduation or a kid's haircut.

[alice]

"Let alone attends"? You wouldn't go to your own kid's graduation? No matter how bogus it may be? Give me a break.

[alice]

Also, I want my friendship ring back. Yeah, you heard me.

[Pretty Lush]

My daughter is in the same pre-pre-school and she also had a little graduation ceremony the other day, except everyone forgot to inform us that not just the kindergarteners were 'graduating'... so we missed it. And I suffer the immense guilt trip that comes with, "Momma, I graduated and you didn't come." Pssh.

[Deb Abramson]

Shoot, Jackie Blue, I so hoped I was cool enough to be your friend. You sound like such an awesome person! But I guess I'm out of luck...

[Frankie]

Alice said "It's completely ridiculous, but what, are you going to tell a preschooler that? Those tiny jerks just won't listen to reason."

OMG I am laughing so hard, I am peeing myself!!! No seriously, I think I just had an accident right here on my couch... hahaha!!!

Excellent!

[Frankie]

Oh and as for the tears issue, hells, I cry at cracker jack commercials... I can't imagine what kind of f'ed up on the floor weeping mess I would have been had my child actually had a preschool graduation.

[Sarah]

well, today my bebe had his nine month doctors apt, and the doctor said, "Look at him! Not a baby anymore, eh?" And I was like: "um...SHUT UP YOU FOOL HE IS MYYYYYY BABYYYYYYY." And then I lassoed him with his own stethoscope and tied him to the examination table so he could think about how NINE MONTHS OLD IS STILL A BABY, DAMMIT.

In other news, I totally encourage you all to go watch ET again, because it is awesome and still looks totally contemporary except for ET himself, who looks like an overgrown toy you'd get out of a gumball machine for a quarter.

[power]

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