I'm back

A month ago I realized I had been blogging for over nine years, and I sank right into a blog crisis. What am I doing? I thought. How can I continue? Shouldn't this end at some point? Nine years! Am I going to blog until I'm old and then dead?

I asked myself these questions, and then I waited for answers. I hid myself away from the world. I created a massive vision board. I walked until my feet kind of hurt. I sat down. I drank tea. Then coffee. Finally I realized that my questions were dumb.  

Why do I do this? Because I like it, I guess. Is it unseemly to go on for this long? I have no idea what that even means. Did I really create a vision board? Of course I didn't. I was unable to find images in magazines that resonated emotionally for me.

I considered scrapping this blog, the Finslippy name and everything, and creating a new one, with a new name, new theme, new LEASE ON LIFE!!!! (Multiple exclamation points!) But that's kind of like getting a boob job when what you really want is to know if God exists. (Don't look too closely at that analogy. I know I won't.) A new look wouldn't cure my existential crisis. I just had to power through it, and meet you on the other side.

While I was gone, I did make some changes to the ol' website. I tore out the ads; they were using valuable real estate, and the monthly checks had dwindled to the point that they made my bank sad. With the freed-up space, as you can see, I added a link to Flickr, so now you can see any new paintings I've, uh, painted. So that's nice.

There's no good way to write the "I'm back!" post after being away for too long, but sometimes you have to take a break, and then when you return it has to be awkward and uncomfortable. It's a rule. And then you can get back to the good stuff. Or at least the less-awkward stuff. Now: who wants a cuddle?

The Little Hater

Whenever I take an extended break from blogging, I try to avoid apologizing for it on my return. Because that's boring. This video by Jay Smooth, however, is not boring, and perfectly describes what's kept me from here. Thanks to Karen, my guru/role model, for sending it to me.

Yup. That's it. I think the lesson here is "don't take a break," but that's easier said than done.

I'd love to hear from you guys: does this happen to you? What do you do about it? In addition to the perfectionism/guilt spiral, I also begin to believe, without fail, that everyone is mad at me. Everyone! I realize this is insane, but the insane part of me still believes it.

More soon, including an ANNOUNCEMENT (all caps!) coming next week.

On the notion of blogging as a career

I want to do work I'm proud of, and only work I'm proud of. The work I'm proud of is not, by its nature, especially lucrative. That's fine with me; I always knew what I was getting myself into. I've always scraped together income on side jobs while I wrote what I wanted.

I started blogging eight years ago assuming a few of my friends would read it. A lot has happened since then. A lot of it has been amazing; most of that is thanks to the community I've found here. But I've also enjoyed plenty of opportunities thanks to advertising and sponsorships.

Still, I've been uncomfortable with the marriage of blogging and advertising. I'm okay with ads (obviously) as long as they stay in their place. But the advertisers want in. They want to get into your posts. It's not because they're evil. They're smart. They know where people are looking. But once they're paying you to write, you work for them. That's fine if you're a copywriter, but if your "copywriting" lands on your personal blog, that can get awfully weird. If your authenticity is being used to sell products, what does it mean, anymore?

You need to have clear boundaries to manage this terrain. You need to know what you're getting yourself into and what you're in it for. I'm not good at it, but even I've lucked out. I felt good about writing for Chronicle Books, for example. I liked their books. I had creative control over the video. It was a good fit.

I've turned down plenty of sponsorship opportunities that didn't fit. I don't want a pat on the back for those decisions; that's how it should be. But then a while ago I worked on a campaign I categorically did not feel good about. I put content on my blog that I would not have put on here if it were not for the check I was promised.

I'm not trying to be coy about which campaign it was. (You could probably guess, if you're a regular reader.) I don't want to point a finger at them;  everyone involved acted in good faith, and it's not like I couldn't have walked away. I just didn't. I apologize. I will make sure it never happens again.

Please know that I'm not saying that professional blogging is dishonest. Plenty of bloggers are far more business-savvy than I am and would not have gotten themselves into such an uncomfortable position. This is not about them, it's about me.

Professional blogging is not where my talents lie. It's not what this blog was meant for. I don't want to worry about my stats. I don't want to think about my Klout score. I don't want to be identified as a mommyblogger or a "power mom" or a mompreneur. I don't want to be an Influencer. I don't want to think about being "relevant," whatever that means. I want to write whatever I want to write, when I want to write it. Whatever dollars I collect from this place are nice, but they are and were always meant to be a few extra bucks, not an income we could live on.

This is not a call to arms, mind you. You do what you like. As I said, I know and respect plenty of people who are making a lot of money blogging. I never have, and never will.

Have you seen Bill Cunningham New York? You need to. I keep thinking about this quote:

"If you don't take money, they can't tell you what to do. That's the key to the whole thing."

Changes are afoot

Or are they "ahand"? Because I use my hand to make changes on the computer do you get it AHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAArup.

I am not referring to big changes, so don’t worry. Don't--stop that. Jesus, would you calm down? Yes, I’m talking to you, Jesus. You holy fret-machine. Seriously, take a chill pill. Did they not have those, back in ancient Jerusalem times? Take a chill root, then. A calming tincture.

I am considering making some changes to this site, but am hobbled by a few things: 1) I don’t know anything about web design, and 2) no, you don’t understand—I really don’t know anything about web design. Also 3) like, nothing. NOTHING.

So while I agonize over what changes to make and how and also who can I bribe and/or blackmail to help me, here’s one change that’s not too difficult even for me, and I am doing it right now, and it goes like this: I am abolishing my blogroll. Begone, blogroll! You are dead to me!

Let me splain to you why. The blogroll, in theory, is a living thing, subject to the whims and fancies of the author. In depressing reality, it becomes a definitive statement of WHO I LIKE, and if I happen to remove a blog or two, simply because I’d like the blogroll to not get overly encumbered and there are some newcomers I’d like to spotlight, the people I remove almost invariably SHED BITTER, HATEFUL TEARS and then SEND ME DEPRESSING EMAILS asking what they could have done to offend me. And then I have to tell them that while they are blameless, I just haven’t been keeping up with their blogs and it seemed disingenuous to keep them on a list. Which, in effect, sounds like I’m saying, “You know, I WOULD read your blog, I really would! Only you’ve just become so boring and only I have time for fun reads! You know?” (Which is not what I meant to say. Oh, I’m going to make someone else cry, now.)

Instead, I’m going to remove the blogroll, and then I can write entire posts about the entertaining new blog or person or video or WHATEVER I’ve found on the Internet, and I can share it with you. This way I have, you know, something to write about, and the subject of the blog post can be either delighted or indifferent, but at least I’m not hurting anyone. At least I don’t have to say, “By the way? No longer read this other person, as I have been told she smells like feet lately. Thank you.” No one need suffer.

Speaking of entertaining blogs, I discovered Hyperbole and a Half this week, and proceeded to read her entire site and laugh myself sick. How did I miss her before? It never fails to astound me, how I could have never heard of someone who has an enormous and loyal following. The Internet is truly a wondrous and baffling universe of fun and horrors. Hyperbole and a Half is the former. The Awkward Situation Survival Guide should be a requirement for anyone who claims to be familiar with the glory of the Internet. Read! Love! Daisies!