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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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Sleep Is
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Chicago Review Press

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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it.

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Entries in Henry quotes (28)

Wednesday
Jan252006

There's no real point to this.

Tuesday after school, Henry and I headed to a nearby playground. When we got there he went straight for a seal statue that sits right in the center of the playground. It’s supposed to spout water in the summer, although I’ve never seen it work.

He sat down on it. “This is my favorite seal,” he said. “This is my best friend. My best seal friend.”

“Really,” I said, “You’ve never mentioned him.”

“He is my best friend, and his name,” Henry declared, “is Frompy.”

“Frumpy?”

“Frompy. I love him so, so much. I lie down on him, and I look up at the sky, and I dream. I dream of Frompy. At night I come here all by myself and I play with him.”

“Does he come to life?”

“No, he does not come to life.” He glared at me. I would never understand! About Frompy!

“I have to say, I’ve never seen you even look at him before.”

“And when I have to leave him I am so, so sad, I miss him so much because Frompy is my best friend ever in my whole world.” He started to tear up.

Then Henry leapt off the statue and announced that it was time to see “the crazy dancers.” The “crazy dancers” he refers to are African natives performing ceremonial dances; they can be seen on video at the Brooklyn Museum, which is mere steps away from the playground we were in. I happen to have a museum pass and I wanted to nip in the bud any Frompy-related hysteria, so I said sure! Museum it is!

Oh, dear god, was he happy. Time to see the crazy dancers! He loves the crazy dancers. He asks to see them all the time, and every time he does this spazzy little jig.

So we headed for the museum, and when we got there I let Henry hit the button to open the handicapped/stroller entrance door. Only nothing happened, because the museum was closed.

Joy turned to outrage and tears. “I am so disappointed,” he wept, “Why won’t you let me see the crazy dancers?” I tried to explain that I couldn’t make them open the museum, but he wasn’t buying it. We sat on a bench near the entrance and I held him while he railed against me and the museum and all the forces that were keeping him from crazy-dance appreciation.

Inevitably, a man with some sort of disability approached us. He was mewling in a disconcerting way, but then I looked at him and he had the sweetest expression, and he only wanted to help and I was a jerk for thinking I should get Henry out of there before he came any closer. He reached into his bag, pulled out a pack of Wrigley’s, and waved it toward Henry. “That’s okay,” I said.

He shook his head and started digging around in his bag. He pulled out a mangled candy bar. “Really, we’re fine,” I said, holding up my hand as he tried to give it to Henry.

Then he handed me a can of Chef Boyardee. Henry took notice. “What is he giving us?” he asked. “Spaghetti in a can,” I said, as I tried to shake my head in as friendly a way as I could manage. He rummaged and rummaged some more, and then he took out a biscuit. A completely intact biscuit had somehow managed to survive the contents of his bag. I said goodbye and Henry said “No, THANK YOU” to the biscuit and we walked away, but I kind of wanted to see what would come next. A layer cake? A roast chicken?

On our way home Henry kept trying to tell me something complicated about treasure maps, but I was pushing him in his stroller and all I could hear was his shouting “YOU’RE NOT LISTENING.” I stopped and leaned over to tell him I couldn’t hear him, and a man came out of nowhere, grinning at us. “What are you doing!” he said. “Are you having a problem!”

“We’re talking,” I said.

“Talking is good! I want to talk to you about Jesus today!” and then he handed me a pamphlet. I saw the words “End of Days” and I grabbed it because I love me the crazy pamphlets. “Thanks!” I said, and walked away. He was still talking.

“There are crazy people out today, Henry,” I said, and he said, “But are they dancers?”

Friday
Dec092005

I recover; Henry planders.

Good afternoon, concerned Finslippy readers! I am sorry that I frightened all of you, especially the Effexor users among you, with my tales of woe. By the next day I felt better than I have in months. But did I write about that? No, I just did a smug little dance and I headed out the door. How could I stay in when I felt so good? What if it didn’t last?

In other news, Henry is honing his comic technique. The ultimate in funny, right now, is to approach me and announce, “I thought you were a [made-up word here].” For instance:

“I thought you were a shnerb.” Raucous laughter ensues. He repeats the word a few times. And laughs some more.

“What’s a shnerb?” I ask. More laughter. He can’t get enough of it!

“A shnerb is a sort of funny bug. A funny bug that eats people.”

Repeat this nine or ten times in an afternoon, and it just gets funnier! No matter what the word is, it always means “funny bug that eats people.” Sometimes it’s a funny bug that eats fire people. I’m not sure where he got this idea. For once, I can’t blame it on Star Wars.

I told him I didn’t think a people-eating bug would be funny, exactly. Not because I’m concerned that he might seek out and befriend an enormous killer insect; just because I was bored and wanted to see where this would go. But nothing’s less funny than analyzing your own joke, as we all know, so he got sort of pissy with me and spat, “I don’t want to talk about that.” Which I think was sort of unfair, frankly, because didn’t he just accuse me of being one of these deadly bugs? Shouldn’t I have the right to find out more about them?

And now, my favorite neologism ever:

Henry is walking on the curb, as it is where the snow is located. He looks up and exclaims, “The snow is all plandering under my boots!”

“What is plandering?” I ask him.

“Plandering means when it planders. When the snow is all plandery.”

That’s my boy.

 

Tuesday
Nov222005

At least it’s for me and not at  me.

Scene: Apartment. Alice is running from room to room, cursing under her breath. Henry is sitting amidst the piles of Star Wars guys.

Henry: Play with me. Play with me, Mommy. Play with me. Play with me. Play with me, Mama. [He knows this gets me.]

Alice: I can’t find my book. Where the hell did I put my book?

Henry: PLAY WITH ME.

Alice: I’m so frustrated! I have been looking everywhere for my book, which I just started, and I didn't want to like it but I do and I WAS JUST READING IT WHAT THE HELL DID I DO WITH IT?

Henry: I’m so frustrated too because you can’t find your book. Now play with me.

Alice: You have to give me a minute.

Henry: I am so mad at you right now.

Alice looks at the garbage bin. Could it be in there? But how? Why? What? She flips it open.

Alice: Henry! Do you want to hear a funny story?

Henry: I do want to hear a funny story.

Alice: My book was in the garbage, Henry. I put the book in the garbage. Because I am a crazy lady.

Henry: And I am laughing and laughing for you!

Tuesday
Nov082005

If you’re trying to make me cry, son, you’ve picked a good week for it.

I.

Henry: Do you want to see my happy dance?

Me: Lay it on me, boy!

He holds up one arm like he’s Dracula hiding behind his cape, and then waves the other hand in the air, like he’s Dracula trying to get someone’s attention. At the same time, he sticks his tongue out and rolls his eyes comically, gets up on his toes, and twirls around and around and around. It is, for lack of a better word, spazzy. I clap and clap. Finally he slows down and then stops, panting.

Me: Don’t stop now!

Henry (shrugging): That’s all I have. I have no more dance left.

II.

Henry (eyes filled with tears): My Stormtrooper is lost.

Me (rummaging through one of 10,000 piles): I know it's here somewhere.

Henry (lower lip quivering): No. It’s gone. And there will be no Christmas.

Me: No Christmas? Don’t say it!

Henry (voice cracking): And Santa won’t come. And there will be no presents.

Me (also beginning to choke up): But why?

Henry (casually): Because it’s not time yet.

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