Preschoolers can be fun!

Me (talking on phone): You sound terrible. Are you feeling all right?

Henry (looks alarmed, grabs for phone): Give me the phone.

Me: Mom, I think Henry wants to—

(Henry takes phone.)

Henry: What’s wrong? Is everything okay? (Pause.) Something’s wrong, what’s wrong? You’re okay? You’re fine? Okay. Okay, good.

(Hands phone to me.)

Henry: She’s okay.

Me: Glad to hear it.

Henry: Who was I just talking to?

Henry: What’s that?

Me: This? It’s, um, a tampon.

Henry: What do you do with it?

Me: Hmm. Well. What do you want for lunch?

Henry: You’re bleeding. You’re hurt.

Me: I’m not ready for this.

Henry: What? You’re not ready for what?

Me: Hey, let’s go to the toy store!

Henry: What a good idea! (Pause.) But first we have to bring you to the hospital.

Unlocking the hidden code of the crossing lights.

Scott K.: We can’t go yet—we have to wait for the white man.

Sarah: Walking guy, Scott. We wait for the walking guy.

Scott K.: What’s wrong with white man?

Sarah: You don’t want to tell your daughter “Wait for the white man!”

Alice: Always wait for the white man!

Scott K.: The white man will show you the way.

Sarah: Don’t move until the white man tells you!

Sarah: Yeah, so, it’s the walking guy and the red hand.

Alice: Although come to think of it, “red hand” is also pretty racist.

Scott K.: The red hand will stop you.

Alice: My mother calls the walking guy the white lady.

Sarah: It could be a lady. We’re so sexist.

Alice: It should be “the non-gender-specific walking figure” and “the upturned palm.”

Henry: GO.

Phone transcript: Henry after his date with Thomas.

Henry: I [incoherent] THOMAS’S WORLD.

Me: Did you have fun?

Henry: YEAH AND I [incoherent] TOO.

[hands phone back to grandmother]

[whispering in background: Tell her how you shook hands with Sir Topham Hatt.]

[shuffling]

Henry: I SHOOK SIR TOP HAT.

Me: Wow! Did you ride on Thomas?

Henry [obviously losing interest]: Hmm.

[hands phone back to grandmother]

[more whispering and shuffling]

Henry: OKAY GOODBYE.

Me [trying to hide the desperation in my voice]: I'll see you soon! I love you so much!

Henry [whispering]: Yeah.

[click]

He's coming back this afternoon. Upon his return, I may eat him.

Yes, my son. The English language, she is a bitch.

This morning: Henry leads me to his train set, having detached each track piece from the next until all is chaos on the Island of Sodor.

“What happened?” I ask, and he waves his arm over the destruction and explains, “I broked it up… I had brokened it. It got breaked? It breakened--” And then he sighs and concludes, “I got it all up broke.”

This is nothing. You should see his spelling.