Thank you, Jane Brody
September 29, 2009Dear Ms. Brody,
Thank you for your latest column in the NYTimes about the importance of talking to babies. What an extraordinary concept!
I recently stopped to congratulate a young mother pushing her toddler in a stroller. The woman had been talking to her barely verbal daughter all the way up the block, pointing out things they had passed, asking questions like "What color are those flowers?" and talking about what they would do when they got to the park.
This is a rare occurrence in my Brooklyn neighborhood, I told her. All too often, the mothers and nannies I see are tuned in to their cellphones, BlackBerrys and iPods, not their young children.
Wow. In my day (seven years ago, a.k.a the Early Aughts) we didn't know that "talking" helps your child get "words." We didn't even have the excuse of Blackberries or whatnot. We just never understood that words were the noises you used with your mouth to communicationate (that’s the word, right?) at your children. I do wish you had written this earlier.
Strangely enough, I did actually talk quite a bit with and around my son, but it was mainly for my own foolish, self-centered reasons. For instance: I wanted to keep from going insane. Also: it was fun to talk to him and hear him coo back at me. What a jerk I was. But I must admit: sometimes I did talk on the phone, Jane. To someone else. Because I wanted to hear the voice of a fellow adult, Jane. I did. And I would pretend I was talking to him, and he would laugh and chortle as if we were having a conversation when in fact that conversation was with someone else entirely. What kind of monster was I? I’m sure you would know.
Thank goodness for you, Ms. Brody! And I think it's just super that you congratulated a mom for talking to her kid. I bet that mom was wondering at that very moment, "Why has no one remarked on all this infernal speaking? My throat is raw from describing every damned thing I see. If I don't receive positive reinforcement this moment, I will never talk about another flower again.”
Did you then go on to cluck and shake your head at the mom who maybe was zoning out for a moment, allowing her child a peaceful interlude while she strolled him down the sidewalk? I certainly hope so. Moms like that deserve a taste of the Brody.
I have some follow-up questions:
-My son didn't like it this morning when I mimicked his noises, as you suggested, and kept telling him "You are communicating and I am listening and responding!" I should mention that he's seven. What am I doing wrong?
-Sometimes talking gets hard and when I talk my vision tunnels and the room goes dark and I wake up a few hours later and my boy is crying. Which am I forgetting: inhaling or exhaling?
-My son can't figure out how to work the Blackberry I gave him for Christmas. Or the iPod. His Facebook updates lack originality, and he has no interest in Twitter. Should I sell him and start over?
-If I had a baby and did everything you commanded and someone else accused me of overwhelming my newborn child with stimuli, how shall I kill them? I'm sure your instructions were in there somewhere, but I missed them.
-The Yellow Face in the sky, it burns. Should I present offerings to it, or merely hide, cringing, in the shadows?
Yours in endurance,
Alice
Reader Comments (121)
... I guess I kind of read the column with interest because, well, I see this all the time, predominantly with nannies. I see the same little ones on walks in my neighborhood all the time, and there are two caregivers that NEVER seem to engage w/the kids. And granted, I'm seeing these people for 40 minutes a week or something, but it seems like a cautionary tale for parents? Maybe?
I dunno. I'd love enlightenment by you all since, well, not all parents are so intelligent*.
*Yes, I do see the irony in this column being published in the NY Times, arguably a thinking-person's newspaper.
Jane Brody's advice is definitely geared to a higher-income crowd who probably find it common sense, so some snark is warranted. But, addressed in a different context and manner, such advice can change children's lives.
Sorry to be a stick in the mud! This issue is just of particular importance to me.
I blame PBS.
She's acting as if she's identified a huge problem based on her own limited experience in her (I am assuming) high-income Brooklyn neighborhood.
As you said, it's the low-income families who are struggling who are more likely to have kids who suffer. More support for them, and light shed on their problem, would be a huge help. But she's pointing a finger at our Blackberry-and-iPod culture, making this a generational thing, and that's what I find ludicrous.
Good lord, girl. You are FUNNY.
I honestly can't talk that much to describe everything I see. It would bore the soul out of me. and if I heard another mother talking that much, I would slap her.
But the talking on the phone the whole time walking the stroller annoys me, too.
Many things annoy me. Which is why I should stay at home. In my house. With my twins by my side. While I check my email/twitter/blogs and say nothing. :-)
I think I'm really getting this parenting thing down. Thanks, Jane!
I'm wondering if the boys' mother agrees with her....
I read that article this morning and was thinking, God, who the hell does she think reads her stuff? And what did that Brooklyn mother think of being congratulated on talking to her kid?
As she said, Jane Brody was not commenting on every single parent but on those who seem to disengage from their kids on a regular basis in favor of the phone, the PDAs, etc. The thrust of the article is about language development, and as someone who taught in the inner city for seven years, I have seen the difference in the language development of kids whose parents engage them in regular conversation and those who don't-- some of it was cultural (kids should be seen, not heard, etc) but a lot of it had to with a lack of education and awareness.
I used to work for Jumpstart (jstart.org), a literacy enrichment program that works with Head Start children. Part of my job included giving parents suggestions for building literacy, like reading signs out loud as you walk down the street. In fact, there is a mother in my building, whose young children get therapy for speech and language delays, and she says that it's because "she didn't talk to them."
I'm just wondering why you (and other commenters) seem to be taking this so personally? It obviously doesn't apply to you, and I didn't think Brody's tone was any more condescending than any other columnist out there. I will be the first person to admit that I'm practically glued to my iPhone and I make a conscious effort to strike a balance between my own communication needs and that of my 14 month old (also named Alice, BTW!).
My guess is, there ARE lots of kids who don't get talked to enough, but it's because mom and dad are working 3 jobs and not because of too much computer time.
Jane Brody says: One of my grandsons was a late-talker. When he wanted something to drink or eat, he went to the refrigerator or pantry and pointed. Our job was to ask, “Do you want water, milk or juice, cereal or raisins?” and wait for his response. When we guessed right, we reinforced the verbal message by saying, “Oh, you want cereal.”
Jane Brody means: If I don't do exactly what my daughter-in-law tells me to do, I will never see my grandchild. Why did my son have to marry that evil bitch?!
Jane Brody says: Count the steps as you go up or down. My twin grandsons’ math skills flourished long before they could speak in sentences because they live in a third-floor walk-up.
Jane Brody means: Why couldn't my daughter have married a doctor or lawyer who could afford an apartment in an elevator building?
Also, it's the constant barrage of headlines about what moms are doing wrong really sticks in my craw. As @randomdeanna on Twitter observed, the next headline will be about the helicopter parents who talk too much to their kids. No matter what, we seem to be doing something wrong.
Brody is also very careful to write:
"Not all parents, of course, are routinely tuning out their young children. Two of my female friends in their 30s who have toddlers talk to them, and with them, incessantly."
So, while I understand the snark -- and definitely expect the article about helicoptering parents to come in short haste -- I think Brody is largely correct. I live in her neighborhood and while it's tough to judge every person based on the snippets of time in which they walk past you on the phone, it does seem to add up to a lot of inane chatter. It seems the trick is to balance raising a child who knows that you're interested in his or her feelings with a sense, on the other hand, that they are not always the center of the world. Sometimes being ignored or left to let the mind wander can be a huge developmental tool, but I do believe we are headed in a direction where more and more parents spend more and more time on gadgets. That has to have some effect.
I agree that the lede seems pedantic. "I recently stopped to congratulate a young mother" for talking to her kid. It certainly comes across as "Oh thank, you great arbiter of parenting!"
But I would bet that she doesn't at all mean to imply that every parent use every technique she describes all of the time -- whew, that would be exhausting -- but if someone walked away from that piece and put down the phone for a few extra minutes a day, that might help. (The meta issue is that someone inclined to read an article such as this is probably already sensitive to the amount of time they spend on the phone versus the amount of time they spend engaging their kids. Hence, the offense taken by some here. A person who reads this probably doesn't need to be told what to do.)
I work in child development and I can't tell you the number of people who enter our center on their blue tooth headsets, still chatting as they strap a kid into a stroller or put them into a car seat. These are not low-income moms and dads. I just think the knee-jerk snark that picks away at the rest of her piece does a disservice to what is turning into a noticeable trend. Today's kid who watches his mom or dad chat away or scroll on the Blackberry becomes tomorrow's parent who does it even more.