Thank you, Jane Brody
September 29, 2009Dear Ms. Brody,
Thank you for your latest column in the NYTimes about the importance of talking to babies. What an extraordinary concept!
I recently stopped to congratulate a young mother pushing her toddler in a stroller. The woman had been talking to her barely verbal daughter all the way up the block, pointing out things they had passed, asking questions like "What color are those flowers?" and talking about what they would do when they got to the park.
This is a rare occurrence in my Brooklyn neighborhood, I told her. All too often, the mothers and nannies I see are tuned in to their cellphones, BlackBerrys and iPods, not their young children.
Wow. In my day (seven years ago, a.k.a the Early Aughts) we didn't know that "talking" helps your child get "words." We didn't even have the excuse of Blackberries or whatnot. We just never understood that words were the noises you used with your mouth to communicationate (that’s the word, right?) at your children. I do wish you had written this earlier.
Strangely enough, I did actually talk quite a bit with and around my son, but it was mainly for my own foolish, self-centered reasons. For instance: I wanted to keep from going insane. Also: it was fun to talk to him and hear him coo back at me. What a jerk I was. But I must admit: sometimes I did talk on the phone, Jane. To someone else. Because I wanted to hear the voice of a fellow adult, Jane. I did. And I would pretend I was talking to him, and he would laugh and chortle as if we were having a conversation when in fact that conversation was with someone else entirely. What kind of monster was I? I’m sure you would know.
Thank goodness for you, Ms. Brody! And I think it's just super that you congratulated a mom for talking to her kid. I bet that mom was wondering at that very moment, "Why has no one remarked on all this infernal speaking? My throat is raw from describing every damned thing I see. If I don't receive positive reinforcement this moment, I will never talk about another flower again.”
Did you then go on to cluck and shake your head at the mom who maybe was zoning out for a moment, allowing her child a peaceful interlude while she strolled him down the sidewalk? I certainly hope so. Moms like that deserve a taste of the Brody.
I have some follow-up questions:
-My son didn't like it this morning when I mimicked his noises, as you suggested, and kept telling him "You are communicating and I am listening and responding!" I should mention that he's seven. What am I doing wrong?
-Sometimes talking gets hard and when I talk my vision tunnels and the room goes dark and I wake up a few hours later and my boy is crying. Which am I forgetting: inhaling or exhaling?
-My son can't figure out how to work the Blackberry I gave him for Christmas. Or the iPod. His Facebook updates lack originality, and he has no interest in Twitter. Should I sell him and start over?
-If I had a baby and did everything you commanded and someone else accused me of overwhelming my newborn child with stimuli, how shall I kill them? I'm sure your instructions were in there somewhere, but I missed them.
-The Yellow Face in the sky, it burns. Should I present offerings to it, or merely hide, cringing, in the shadows?
Yours in endurance,
Alice
Reader Comments (121)
Oh earnest commenters, bringing the earnestness. Distracted parents don't need technology to ignore their kids. While we're pointing fingers, let's include soap operas, tabloids, dirty novels, and gossip sessions with neighbors - all provide escapism as fabulous as FaceSpace. And yes, moms need to be told to talk to their children because it's not that they're hungry, tired, stressed, angry, distracted, or busy. They're just dumb!
I'm 42 with two teens;I hope to God I am not writing articles about the importance of placing infants in carseats ten years from now. Maybe it's the short-term memory loss that can accompany the menopause. I'm going to stick with admiring you both.
My mom says the same stuff, after all. But I don't get to write posts making fun of her, so I have to get it out somehow, no?
Because, according to her, all parents do these days is carry their kids around in plastic buckets, ignoring them.
I said, "gee, maybe you should organize a program about baby-wearing." (sub-text: and then shut up about car seats)
Why is it OK to so severely criticize mothers of small children? Believe it or not, most of our kids will be OK. And if there ARE problems, it's usually a lot more complicated than whether or not mom (and dad? where's the dad here?) pointed out the colors of flowers on a walk. Family income, social norms, educational systems, access to books... yeah. Well, I guess you can't really yell at random moms on the street about those things.
No, it's much easier to judge based on appearances. Well done, Ms. Brody!
Have you read Nurtureshock yet? It recounts a study that shows the key is actually NOT a nevernding stream of chatter at your baby. They have actually shown that you need to respond to the baby's sounds, reaffirming the "conversation" thing and urging them on to trying to make the next sound in the developmental chain. It isn't really such a big deal to just endlessly talk, and in fact can be problematic if you are not "object labelling" at the correct moment for your child to store it - there is a lot of cross-labelling where a kid says "buh-buh" while holding a spoon, and parent says, "BOTTLE? YOU WANT A BOTTLE? HERE'S YOUR BOTTLE, PRECIOUS!" And then they have just taught the kid that a spoon is a bottle or something.
thank you.
this message sent from my iPhone
What?!? Are you insane?!? Has no one ever called CPS on you?
Wait, hold on, I need to start Dora over so I can continue reading blogs...
Be right back.
And don't judge....she teaches spanish. =)
You know Ms. Brody, sometimes I might just want to sit in silence with my daughter. No words at all. For an extended period of time. I know!
btw, your piece was hilarious. and ironic, which is rare.
You know, I'm occasionally a bit too quick to judge when I see a parent talking on their phone or using their Blackberry while they're pushing their kid on the swing or whatever. But I force myself to think that perhaps that parent has totally rejigged their job so that they can work from home and be with their kids as much as possible, and maybe -- just maybe -- they're dealing with a rare, urgent piece of business before they get back to the main job of being with their kid.
Perspective. I'm working on it.