The big time: basic cable.

There’s a chance I will be on television on Thursday night.

The show is called "“Great Things about the Holidays.” It’s one of those list shows—you know the kind. In which “celebrities” no one has heard of contribute ironic commentary on cultural events that hold no special significance for anyone. It’s the kind of show that we will all mock in a few years. I am proud to have been a part of it.

Anyway, I was interviewed a while ago; it was summer, and like the rest of the world, I didn’t believe that these “holidays” I was asked to speak of would ever return. But my friend was one of the producers, and she put me on the list to be interviewed, and then for some reason the Powers that Be said okay, and I said okay and I showed up and had makeup applied to my face with a trowel.

I had been given a sixty-page list of questions regarding everything holiday-related that anyone had ever thought of. Many of these things I found myself to be far too old to talk about. I mean, if they wanted to talk about Rankin and Bass, I had things to say. Or the Judy Garland Christmas special in which Judy was insolent to Mel Torme—yes! But what is this “O.C.”? And who is this Kwanzaa?

(For the record, I actually have never seen a Judy Garland Christmas special. I’m not that old.)

(Kids: Judy Garland was Liza Minelli’s mommy.)

(And Liza Minelli! Well, she's a nearly dead saucer-eyed songstress with a drug problem. Of course, I’m not one to point fingers right now. My fingers are too blurry.)

So! I read these many, many questions, and Scott and I spent a night coming up with witticisms regarding them. And then, in front of a camera, I relayed my jokes to the producer and the cameraman and my friend Jen and some other random person in what I hoped was a breezy and off-the-cuff manner. While I was attempting to be funny, my underarms destroyed my festive burgundy satin shirt by pumping out cupfuls of sweat. Eventually, when I realized everyone was actually laughing at my jokes, I relaxed and made some truly off-the-cuff remarks, which is probably when I said the idiotic things that they will put on the air.

My “friend,” who claims to care about me, quit the show shortly after editing one segment in which, she says, I appear. She seems to think that therefore they’ll include me in the rest of the show, because it would look weird to have a person only show up for one segment. (This segment I know I’m in deals with the “Jingle Cats,” which I guess is a video in which cats sing Christmas songs. We should all own it, because it is a Great Thing about the Holidays.)

So it turns out that the show is actually a four-part monstrosity, airing for two straight hours on Thursday night (from nine to eleven) and then for two more hours on Friday night, also from nine to eleven. And I have no idea if I’m in it at all. Luckily, according to this schedule, Bravo will be airing the show repeatedly, or at least until its audience begs them to stop airing it. So if you’re not thrilled about wasting four hours of your life on the off-chance that my glorious visage might appear, you could wait to see what I tell you about it and then waste four hours of your life. Or you could use one of those newfangled inventions, like your videotape recording machine gadget or your TiVo, and then fast-forward through it until you see me. I’ll be the one with the short hair and the damp shirt.

Comments

[alice]

I smeared entire antipersperant sticks into both armpits and then sprayed my body with aluminum (now in spray form!) and it made not one whit of difference. And my poor shirt. So destroyed.

[sac]

I'll TiVo it. Then I can read your posts in the sound of your actual voice, which I would have heard in person if I had my act together.

[cagey]

Thanks for the heads-up. This might call for popcorn. hee hee

[alice]

Yeesh, what a misspelling of antiperspirant. And I call myself a spelling-bee champion.

I may not be in it, keep in mind. They may have decided that my spittle problem was too distracting.

[Kaguya Hime]

Frickin' A. Damn cheap-o college cable that give me seven channels, none of which are Bravo. Seems I'm just going to have to wait until I head home for the holidays (Another Great Thing About the Holidays: being able to insert random Xmas carol references in conversations). At home, I believe our cable package is called Every Channel Known To Man and Then Some (But Not The Dirty Channels). Hopefully I'll be able to catch the wonderful Miss Alice's appearance then.

Sympathies on the shirt (I had a burgundy satin choir dress back in high school that suffered a similar fate), but congrats on the show. I know you'll be fabulous.

PS: Reading your blog makes my day. I want to be you when I grow up.

[Jane]

I have my TiVo season pass all set up, even though it made my husband roll his eyes when he saw what the show was called. I can't wait!

[honestyrain]

wait a minute? you own a satin shirt? what the hell is up with that?

[Caitlin]

*will be watching!*

[Tree]

I can't wait to see!

[ozma]

Once, I was going to be on a show and every time they pointed the camera at me I would laugh hysterically, unable to speak and that was the end of my showbiz career. (I think of this every time I get mad I don't have my own TV talk show.) So BE PROUD. It's not so easy to make witticisms, sweaty or not. And I hope you get your own TV talk show soon.

[Brian]

Being on TV is very cool and the show doesn't sound that bad at all. Could be worse. You could be a guest on the Tyra Banks show. *shudders*

[Karen Rani]

ROFL @ Tyra Banks.......she is so trying to be the new Oprah.

Congrats on the show - that's awesome! Not sure if I will get it up here in Canada though - but I'll look for it!

[Imperfect Mommy]

This and a mention on Dooce!

[Angel]

Congrats in advance ;) I like those shows anyway.

And um, er, I have the Jingle Cats video LOL

[Elizabeth]

If you watch the whole four hours and learn which of the four segments (101-104) you're in, be sure to let us know, in case we miss it!

[Libby]

There you were! Right at the end of the first hour! I got so excited to see you on my tv! Yay!! Congratulations!

[Bari]

I had to stop by and comment - Alice Brady, Writer, Finslippy just came on the T.V. screen and it was so cool! I felt like it was someone I knew hanging out with all of the cool kids (though I don't know you at all, just read your blog...and have never commented, so you don't have a clue who I am...) But it was so cool, especially since it was on Bravo. I love that channel. And they had Bob Guenny - the Bachelor on too and he lived a few miles away when he lived in Ferndale, MI. Good times

[Lana]

Alice,

I came across Finslippy, but some force of Serendipity today at work. Tsk, tsk, I know. But I sat there through the afternoon, trying not to choke on my tea as I read. Hilarious! Fantasticallywonderfullysuperhilarious! And while I continue to read more at home, I come across a post about WATERBUGS.

I have no idea what a waterbug is, but think it's terryifying anyways because the word BUG is in it. Gross. Out of curiousity (and also because I like to torture myself... I won't sleep tonight) I googled WATERBUG. Pictures. Eww with the pictures, but then, there you were. A post about waterbugs. TADA! Thought you might like to know.

I'll be reading each morning, and catching up with the rest of it all!

[jen]

OK Ace, I hope you like it so far. I will forgive you for referring to the show as "a four-part monstrosity" because, um, it's like, you know, a four-part monstrosity. I'll work on getting you onto Tyra next. I love Top Model. OK.

Best,-The Producer of the Alice Bradley Jingle Cats segment

[Éireann]

Oh my God I suffered through the entire thing just to watch you in the last two minutes. And it was worth it! I freaked! It's so strange how we can come to feel so close to people we've never met in our lives, to the point where it feels like someone I hang out with on a daily basis was just on TV.

You meowed!

[Belinda]

The last two minutes of the final segment, or one of the others? I have them all TiVo'd here before me, and am of course awake for the night. Oh, well, on triple-fast-forward, I bet I can spot her pretty quickly!

[Dawn]

I was haunted by your hotness Alice - and in the Jingle cat segment no less.

Kudos, my friend, kudos.

Or as miss kitty would say"Meow, meow, meow, meow, me-ow - MEOW!!"

[joaaanna]

ME-OW!

I SAW YOU! HOW COOL!

[TB]

They should have used you in the earlier segments. They might have been able to salvage it. My husband asked, We don't have to watch the second hour do we?But hey, you're on TV, with Bruce Vylanch and Marilu Henner!

[kimmieindallas]

I saw you too!!!!