The light at the end of the Crazy Tunnel.

I’m now on 20 granules of Effexor. That’s 7.5 mg—one-fifth of the eensy “starter dosage” I had been on for a year. I mean, I’m guessing it’s 7.5; each globulette is a different size, so for all I know I’m hitting my poor brain with a new dosage each day. Nonetheless, I forge ahead, carefully counting out the bouncy little drug-nubbins as they scatter hither and yon. I pretend I’m a scientist!

I’m feeling vaguely achy and nauseated, but I can live with it. The real problem right now is that I am as emotionally fragile as I have ever been in my life, and that’s saying a lot. On a good day, I’m overly sensitive. Me, I cry a lot. I’ve cried everywhere you really don’t want to cry; at dinner parties, in front of my boss. On a first date. What can I say! I’m a crier!

But these past few days—yeeuuulff. Whatever lightweight emotional armor I ever had has now been sloughed off. I’m crying at commercials. I sobbed watching VH-1’s “I Love the ‘80s.” I choked up when Henry cried because he couldn’t find his good Stormtrooper. I wept at about 30 different comments uttered by my baffled husband. My face is all puffy.

I’m not feeling sad, really. It’s more like I have these tiny buckets right behind my eyes, and they’re perched on two rickety stools, and there’s an even tinier, grumpy gnome storming around the stools, occasionally kicking them and sloshing some water out through my eyes all over my face.

So: I may be weepy, but I’m still capable of inventing a breathtaking analogy. Art triumphs over despair yet again. Huzzah!

Comments

[Eulallia]

I hope that gnome provides you with an occasional little jolly gnome dance for all the trouble he's putting you through. The least he could do is entertain you every once in awhile.

[moxiemomma]

gnomes! it all makes sense now!

hi ho, hi ho, it's off to lurk i go!

[PaxilMama]

I started off the Effexor (right, I should have changed my name to EffexorMama, but...) at the same time as you did. I alternated days for two weeks: NO PROB. I went to two days off, one day on: DISASTER. That achy and nausea you mention was a full blown flu with vomiting. I decided to just go cold turkey. I know the emotional fragility of which you speak. I knew it was bad when I was going to my daughter's school for conferences and there was football game going on in the field--right as I got out of my car someone scored a goal. I'll be damned if I didn't get all choked up and teary-eyed... Lord help me.

[Julie]

Thank you for the update. As I posted before, I'm reading with great interest, as I would someday like to go off the meds myself.

What I'm hoping you'll eventually share (or that others might, in their comments) is whether you actually start to feel like yourself again, without the meds. I think that's the part that scares me the most; I actually feel like a human being now, and I don't want to lose that.

As usual, sending you my best wishes.

[Jenny]

I cry over parades, fireworks, and any music with a crescendo or stinger note at the end. I excel at irrational crying.

I sense that you are a pretty crying person. You probably get twinkly in the eye and perhaps a little pink and dewy. I'm a "holy crap did you get hit by a bus where are your eyes and why are you so red and blotchy" crying person.

[alice]

No, no. I get swollen and blotchy if I even think about crying. Within minutes of crying, I look exactly like Karl Malden.

[Angel]

If gnomes are to blame for my weepiness, I think I'm going to go find an orc to take them out. Like an orc godfather or something.

((((Hugs))))) hang in there.

[Beth]

Those damned gnomes are nothing but trouble. Stamp out bucket-gnomes. ;^)

I'm a crier, too. My son used to find it uncomfortable, then he found it interesting, then he found it amusing and a little desirable (he would do things and look at me to see if I was tearing up), and now he finds it sorta annoying. Watching *ET* with him a few weeks ago was a struggle, to say the least. ;^)

[mainja]

oh yeah, i know that feeling, know it well. telephone companies make the worst commercials for that...

[Mir]

I'm totally a weeper and I don't think I can even blame it on the medication. With me, there's the added bonus of my nose immediately going bright red just on the tip. So, you know, at least we're coming into my season, here.

On Dancer! On Dasher! etc.

[wix]

you sound pregnant.

[Alissa]

damn gnomes! hope you get past this quickly and move on to feeling infinitely more like yourself! HUGS

[anne]

i'm a total crybaby and i love a good analogy but i never ever would have thought of an angry gnome. so we're the same, basically, except you're much, much more clever.

[Janet]

I cry at commercials, esp. Father's Day ones (didn't get along with dad). And there are times when the least little thing, especially work- or relationship-related, can send streams of involuntary hot tears down my face. I feel for ya. Good luck taming the gnome.

[ozma]

I remember this crying which was this wistful 'isn't life beautiful and oh-so-tragically ephemeral' crying I did for some months after I had my baby. It was better than the 'all that lives will soon die' crying that I did when pregnant but still a pain in the ass. I'm sorry you are crying. I hate crying but it can give you sexily puffed lips and seductively shiny eyes on a good day. And make others tremble with guilt and do your bidding. So it's not all bad. But still, I hope the gnome retires soon.

[roo]

I heard somewhere that crying actually rids the body of toxins (though someone may have just told me that so I would stop crying).

If it's true, though, maybe crying so much will help you feel better sooner.

I hope so.

[Jude]

Thank you Alice, for describing so perfectly the 'full of tears, about to slosh over' feeling. And for using the word huzzah.

You're fab.

[lis]

Could we name the gnome? What would you name him? I think you should name him Excaliber. Or... Frank. But I haven't met him. Does he look like an Excaliber or Frank to you?

[kelly]

Hope it evens out soon.

If it doesn't, I can send my gnome over to Bklyn to kick your gnome's mean little ass.

[sara]

right there with you. big crier. job interviews. defending my legal dissertation. i think most people are embarrassed and perhaps a bit baffled because there's no discernable reason for the blubbering. my friends and i actually came up with a name for this..."buckets." so, i hear you. as for the meds-- ask your pharmacist if effexor comes in suspension. i know that most anti-depressants are available in drops for the elderly etc. not sure about anti-anxiety meds. anyway, the drops can be diluted with greater accuracy than the granules.

[Kat]

Honey, I'm not even on meds and I cry at the drop of a hat. It's just what I do. I've been harrassed endlessly for it, I mean, I sob at the end of most Disney movies. And it's exactly as you described it, I'm not sad, sometimes my face just needs some good streaks and puffy eyes to complete my outfit.

[CatPants]

I'm a big time crier too. I cry at the drop of a hat, very often at totally inappropriate times. Like at work. At my old workplace they used to use the phrase (stolen from A League of Their Own) "There's no crying in graphic design!" when I would get choked up. Of course, I'm also the angry cryer. Like when I get angry, I cry. Of course when I get happy, I cry. When I get.. nevermind... I think you understand ;-). As far as meds go, I was never on Effexor, but I was on Wellbutrin for a while, which I really liked. It had very few side effects for me, and just evened out my moods so I wasn't either a) crying or b) have a panic attack every second of the day. Plus, I was able to come off of it pretty easily. I hope "Sloppy Buckets the Gnome" lets up soon. :-)

[rosalie]

Glad to hear you are still functional, if a bit on the weepy side :-) Way better than I handled it! Someone asked if we would ever feel back to our "normal" selves without the meds - I feel mostly normal - without the mood extremes that got me on the meds in the first place. Of course, that was after leaving a crappy marriage, getting some therapy and feeling better(?) about myself, and then entering a much nicer relationship with a much nicer person.

[alice]

Sloppy Buckets! That's my new stage name!

[Kimmie]

I've been reading you for a while now... from before the sheblogger thingy where heather mentioned you several times. I LOVE you more and more. Go for it with the ads.

Oh, and stick a torn tshirt in your pocket. It makes a much better cry rag than anything else... from one crier to another... from one stay at home mom to another... (work at home moms actually)... from one on drugs to another....