This cat diet is really coming along
January 19, 2012As you know because you are a good and faithful reader, Izzy has been on a diet for a few months now. She is…she's a big girl. But we've been whittling down her food supply and giving her higher-quality meals, and the results are paying off! Here she is today.
As you can see, this is dramatically different from the Izzy from a few months ago.
Or, hell, even last month.
I am never going to stop making this joke.
Anyway, as the photos indicate, she's gone from being a big girl to a big angry girl, who thinks about nothing but murder.
We had to take her to the vet a couple of weeks ago due to a horrifying case of diarrhea. As she is so very large, we had to clean her after each bout. She hissed and clawed as we wet-wiped her butt. I don't think our relationship will ever recover. I think I'm okay with that. Maybe we need to establish some emotional distance, Izzy. Also physical distance. You go sit on the fire escape, now. There you go. Anyway, the vet observed that she has a "thick frame" (have you ever!) and said the best we could hope for is to get her down to 15 pounds (well!). She's now holding steady, since September, at 19. This, despite the strict regimen AND her weird virus, which also caused her to sneeze constantly and shun all foods. And breathe through her mouth and loathe us with every fiber of her being. (That last part is possibly not new.)
I'm supposed to get her to exercise, which I am here to tell you I cannot do. She is too fat to move. I have tried. I dangle a toy above her head and she lies on her back and paws at the air, wheezing. I dose her with catnip and THEN dangle a toy and she lies on her back, marveling at the rainbow trails her paw is leaving. She'll gallop across the room maybe once for something, and then she is done and retreats into a corner to rest up and collect more fortifying fat deposits. If I prod her to move any more than that, she'll hide under our bed and plot my untimely end. The only entertainment that really gets her racing around is a mouse, and I am not about to populate my home with vermin so my cat can get fit and trim. I have my limits!
Meanwhile as I'm writing this she's splayed across the top of the couch behind me, breathing like how Darth Vader would breathe if Darth Vader were a cat. Huuuuh-hoooorgh. Huuuuh-hooorgh.
She could jump on my head right now and snap my neck. Good thing she can't read, right? Stupid cat! HahahaaaaURK
(Huuuuh-hooorgh.)
Reader Comments (51)
This is still a big cat and she has a little ways to go. Glad to see that she is making some progress though
We have a very fat orange cat who will eat anything she perceives as food, including pieces of litter, bugs and puffs of lint. She also jumps up on the stovetop if you turn your back for ONE SECOND so she can stand on the hot burner to filch something out of the pan. Last night, she was asleep and somehow fell off the back of the couch. The resulting wall bang was so loud, I thought it was a gunshot. She seemed pissed that we found her embarrassment so hilarious. And now I fear she is plotting her revenge.
Has she tried CrossFit?
She has such a pretty face.
I got the picture joke straight away --- but kept looking them over just in case you weren't using the same one each time. Like maybe that was the real joke.
Ah ha ha!
dear alice bradley,
you make me laugh out loud. and, until the day i die, i will be a fan of yours (actually, probably after, too). thank you for being so darn real and so darn witty.
your occasional commenter,
shan
My husband and i just laughed very loudly at this, as we own an overweight, impossibly lazy black girl cat ourselves. Alice, you are seriously the funniest blogger out there and anyone not reading you is missing out. Plus, I love that you are almost as neurotic as I am. Only neurotic people get stuck with overweight, impossibly lazy black girl cats with their minds on murder.
(((hoot!!))) love the cat pics. you make me laugh, ms. bradley. thank you.
Baxter still beats her out by 3 lbs. 22 lbs he weighs. And I just can't get him to lose anything either. Now our dog Angel who showed up in our driveway last February in an emaciated state, needs to lose a few pounds! I think we overshot the mark with the feeding business.
I also have a "big boned" or "unreasonably huge" cat who often gazes at me with loving eyes that say "if you die, I will eat you before you have a chance to go cold." I have luckily had some success with changing his diet, and he has slimmed from horrifyingly fat to startlingly large. In my efforts to combine his love of food with an inclination to exercise, I have considered getting him one of these thingies: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B0018CG40O
Perhaps it might prod food-motivated Izzy into grudging movement?
Alice, this is so funny. As usual.
And, this post also reminds me as to why I hate cats. They're pissy little (in your case, big) things.
Hm... If you're really dying to exercise your cat, you might try a water pistol. They will seriously move to avoid a jet of water, oh, say, between the eyes (it was the only way I ever managed to discipline this insane, socipathic siamese I once had). Among other things, It has the advantage of keeping you out of reach of the cat's teeth and claws. The downside, of course, is that if your cat is feeling homicidal now, you ain't seen nothin' YET.
Alice, you kill me. You, too @Pickles and Dimes.
I have a big-boned dog. I took her to the vet for a check-up after three months of doubled walks and a strict diet, and I was feeling so smug about my heartless regimen that when the vet tech told me my dog had gained three pounds I basically accused her of putting her thumb on the scale. My god I gave this dog CELERY and CARROTS instead of biscuits! We settled on the idea that she must have gained muscle mass and the poor vet tech slowly backed away.
My little cow is happiest at rest but I have seen her pounce after crickets. I am seriously considering getting a bag of them from the pet store and letting them loose in the house just to get her moving... though perhaps when she catches and devours them the extra protein would cancel out the chase.
Please don't ever stop making the cat diet joke, I die laughing every time I read an update!
I also have a big boned girl named Raven. She was a big girl when I adopted her but now she is close to 19 lbs (and looks just like Izzy). Problem is I also adopted another skinny cat. We should have noticed how long he was as now that he has healed and fattened up he is 22 lbs! Not my fault! Not my fault! I swear! ;-)
I too am crying. My first time exploring the world of blogs...damn, I wish I was as good are you are, Alice. Fun to read and truly hilarious -I'm hooked.
I honestly had tears running down my face. This was one of the funniest posts I've ever read!
Oh my! She's really huge but still adorable. Do you add exercise to her diet? Something like letting her take walks or something?
I hope you don't stop making that joke because it amused me endlessly. I am a simple person.
We have a very strange cat that has unlimited access to food and has never weighed more than 10 pounds in his life. I thought about sending you a picture of his sleek, slender form to antagonize your cat, but I fear any additional antagonizing will prompt her to enact her one of her plans to murder you. You're welcome!
Could she have a thyroid issue? My parents' labrador is overweight, no matter how much they exercise her and what they feed her. They now have to give her thyroid medication every day. You can tell when they forget to refill the prescription because the dog gets a little lethargic and puts on a few extra pounds.
I love the look on Izzy's face wherein we can all pretty much go fuck ourselves.
Cats: you always know where you stand.
She really need a diet.. it might be hard for her to play and walking for long hours.
but she still so cute..
I can get my fat black cat to exercise by making her chase food. Like you, I feed her canned food, so dry kibble is an occasional treat. I use Evo, which is not only low-carb, but more importantly for this endeavor, round. Toss a piece down the wood-floored hallway and it will skitter and roll enticingly. The cat gallops after it. Obviously she eats the food after she "catches" it, but I think the calories burned must be greater than the calories inhaled.
And hang in there. Our cat was not only overweight but diabetic. Several months of a better diet reversed both.
Cats need to receive a specific volume of protein in their eating habits as these contain necessary amino acids that their body is not able to make on its own. Making the final decision of choosing the right diet needed by our pets really depend on our judgment.
I hope she loses weight