This, since 2004!
February 9, 2012Bluuuuuuuf. I feel horrible. I feel the worst anyone has ever felt.
I'm whining. I admit it, at least. This is happening. It's in my head, and if I were to speak, you would clap your hands over your ears and flee. I would not blame you! Flee! Flee while you still have the chance!
I'm not even sick. I am merely having Monthly Issues. Wherein my Girl Parts are causing Full-Body Malaise, Troubles, Low Moods, and So Forth.
I am typically only mildly troubled by such matters, so this is unusual, which is a good thing (for everyone else) because I really cannot take much more of this. My ARMS ache. How did my ARMS enter into this? Also my skin has exploded, which is especially fantastic seeing as how I have to do a video tomorrow and I will have to wear a shroud over my face, lest I terrify the viewers. A face shroud. Or I'll just have the editor (Scott) pixelate me. Can/will he smear petroleum jelly all over the digital-camera lens? We're going to find out!
It occurred to me today that as of the end of January, I have been writing this blog for (drumroll, please) (…no? No one has a drum handy? Fine) eight years. I should be celebrating this with some groundbreaking post that shows you how far I've come in all these years but all I can muster is this. This low-grade moaning. Booooooooooooarpg.
No, but really. I'm glad I'm still here, and that you're still reading! Who's the best? You are! [Imagine me shuffling toward you with my animal-fur-covered chenille throw wrapped around me, arms wide, wincing a little with each shuffle. Come here. Let me embrace you. I showered today!]
Here are two scraps of conversations that I was going to incorporate into posts but never could figure out how. But they make me laugh whenever I re-read them.
Me: [blah blah something something using the word "coterie"]
Jenny: I love it when people use that word, because then I can say, I know what coterie means, and I know how to spell it.
Me: It's important for people to know that you know how there's no "coat" in "coterie."
Jenny: There's not a y, neither. And I know that.
We went on like this for a while. Jenny saved me from the self-loathing that immediately kicked in after I used the word "coterie" in conversation. Thank God for her.
And also:
Me, talking about a certain reality TV show personality I may or may not have done a video with: She kept saying, "It's hot as balls in here."
Scott: Was it?
Me: It was definitely warm. But what does that mean, anyway? Are balls notoriously hot?
Henry: Of course they are. LOOK IT UP.
Thank you, Henry. I do not think I will look that up.
Reader Comments (26)
I looked it up! Because I am trapped underneath The World's Most High-Maintenance Baby (who refuses to sleep in her bassinet) and, well, I've got the time.
According to the Urban Dictionary "hot as balls" = about 97 degrees Fahrenheit.
Uh, feel better?
Happy blogiversary or however it is meant to be said / written. I'm a mere three months in to my blog and can only aspire to be still blogging in 8 years time. I did have a super-rubbish PMS episode last week though, so I am right up with you on that score, go me!
Congrats on 8 yrs running! Can I just say I am having the same type of day. I almost called my OB/GYN who I haven't seen since birthin' that last baby and said, "Ugh! I just hurt. Make it better!!!" Whine.
It's been seven years of blogging for me. Cue the trumpets. Or not. I still feel like such a newb.
Many thanks to Jadzia for informing me of the temperature of balls--and to you, Alice, for forcing me to think about what a room like that would feel and smell like.
Once my friend and I stayed at a hippie campsite with a sauna and we decided we couldn't stand the sauna because it smelled like genitals. She said it.
Mazel tov on the blongegitivity
One of the best things I ever did for myself was have my tubes tied. and because that tends to... uh... intensify... Aunt Flo, the next awesomestest thing was a procedure called Novasure. which sounds scary as hell but was super easy. 4 mos later and Im still smiling. I had my period for like 5 seconds in January . I was worried it would screw with my depression and my creativity but nope. win win.
I don't want to hurt all the other bloggers' feelings, but your blog is my favorite. Ever. I mean it. Favoritest of all.
Thank you for showering. Your coterie of readers appreciates it. Congratulations on 8 years!
Happy anniversary! I'd like to say something more interesting but my girls parts are also being mean to me this month and I have no energy for anything except taking it out on my children.
But hey, look at us! We're synced up! It's probably because my IP address rubs up against yours so frequently.
Welcome to perimenopause, Alice! Sadly there is no marching band or welcoming committee, but the good news is....well, er, there is no good news. It's just a whole of of PMS, night sweats, hot flashes, weird BO and the monthly desire to strangle the people you love most.
Whoohoo!
One would think that after 8 years of blogging, you'd know that if you use a word like 'coterie,' you need to link to a definition. I had to open a new tab and google it myself. I'm unsubscribing from this blog. Gawd.
(Also, happy blogiversary. Yours are the posts I read out to my husband through tears of laughter.)
I'm always saying it's "cold as balls" and my husband likes to correct me and remind me that it is against the very nature of balls to be cold.
I don't think I've been reading for 8 years, but it's been at least 6, since my daughter was a baby. I love it here (on your blog) I have no plans to abandon it anytime soon. Happy blog birthday!
I like the idea of a coatery. Unless it looked like the coattree (oooh, that sounds like it too) in my front hall which is more of a lump of coats than a tree of them. I want a nice neat coatery, with new and different coats for me to choose each day.
And yippee on the 8 years! -- I may well have been here all that time. Or at least I have in my mind.
Sonja said what I was going to say. now Sonja is my favorite because we are sitting in the back of the class together, pretending we think it's lame that other people know what coterie means because we're embarassed that we don't.
Yay on 8 years! So glad I found you back in whatever year that was.
And boo on your "lady fun" issues. Just boo.
Holy shit, is Henry funny or what? Next up on my list of "stupid things to do on the Internet?" Research the temperature of the average ball sack.
Yes, boys and their balls and their balls' temperature. Temperatures? Are both balls the same temp? If not, does one shrink up more than the other? These are questions my 3 year old boy knows the answers to, and I do not. I am glad that I am not the only one.
As a biologist, I gotta step in and point out that the entire reason balls are suspended from the main body cavity is to keep them slightly COLDER than body temperature. :-) If sperm get too warm, they don't work - which is what happens in cryptorchidism in which testicles fail to descend from the body cavity.
I remember when it was just a baby! No, really. It seems like just yesterday.
Damn, now I feel old.
Actually, you've been blogging for almost the exact amount of time I've been a mom since my kid is almost 8. [Taking a minute to freak the hell out.]
The word that I can't use now ever since my family massively, massively shamed me for it is 'hegemony.' But coterie is a much better word and I in fact don't know how to pronounce it. I know what it means but I get confused because it seems like it should be a very delicate, light, buttery cookie.
I just discovered your blog last night, read your open letter to the neighbors before the Superbowl. I instantly knew I had to add you to my regular reading. Happy Blogiversary!
Happy 8 years! And I hope your Monthly troubles have passed and you're feeling better now :)
I'm not quite sure how I haven't stumbled upon your blog before. But now that I have, and have been thoroughly engrossed in post after post, I must say....your writing makes me happy.
Happy in a kind of way that means I know I'll have many more afternoons falling through your past pages and enjoying your words.
Thanks for that.
You are my favorite.
Oh my God, Annika, I am totally going to repeat that every single time someone says that phrase. Or would it be better to just tilt my head, squint a little and say, "Aren't balls supposed to be slightly cooler than body temperature?" Discuss.
Smiled at this post! I'm new-ish to blogging and I am SO encouraged that you've been writing for eight years! Congratulations to you, and I can't wait to keep reading. Thanks so much!