To Zoe, with love
January 14, 2011I am emerging from my bed-cave, where I've been hacking and wheezing for the past couple of days, to share the following correspondence with you.
I receive many emails from publicity folks looking to pitch me ideas, especially for my now-defunct Redbook column. Usually I just tell them that I don't cover whatever it is they're pitching, and they're very nice, and I'm nice back, and then we hug. I don't know why I replied like this. I blame Jenny. Most of my poor behavior stems from her dangerous influence.
From: Zoe XXXXX
To: Alice Bradley
Dear Ms. Bradley,
I wanted to confirm you still covered domestic lifestyle, sexuality, and women’s interest as a contributing editor and columnist of “The Imperfectionist Column” for Redbook. If so, is it best to pitch you press materials at this e-mail address? Do you also have a direct line or extension where you may be reached? I have (XXX) XXX-XXXX on file.
Please advise and many thanks,
Zoe XXXXX
From: Alice Bradley
To: Zoe XXXXX
Dear Ms. XXXXX,
Sadly, I no longer write "The Imperfectionist Column" for Redbook. I have taken my show on the road, as it were. My work these days exclusively covers water buffalo, homeopathic exorcism, and true-life shaving accidents.
I do not know what that phone number is. It's not mine, as I am afraid of phones.
Yours in endurance,
Alice Bradley
From: Zoe XXXXX
To: Alice Bradley
Dear Ms. Bradley,
Thank you so much for getting back to me. Do you contribute to other publications now that you no longer contribute to Redbook?
Many thanks and I look forward to hearing from you once again,
Zoe
Dear Zoe,
I contribute to too many publications to list. As you might imagine, the topics of water buffalo etc. are quite, quite popular. Were I to list all of these publications, my hands would fall off, rending my professional life effectively dead. I am sure you don't wish that fate on me--on anyone, really.
I can, however, send you copies of some of these magazines. Where should I mail them? I'd prefer your home address, as then I can come visit whenever I like.
Love,
Alice
I waited for a good, long while, but received no reply. I guess Zoe had better things to do than humor me, like her JOB.
And now--back to my sheet-grotto!
Reader Comments (24)
The water buffalo is a majestic and glorious creature and your work can not be marginalized by a hack like Zoe.
And waxing is almost always a better idea than shaving. Whether it be your water buffalo or... whatever.
Sorry I know that's super lame but it's supposed to be de lurking day and I promised myself I would comment.
I think you did a FINE job commenting, Mae. Thank you.
I say Jenny has done a fine job
infecting you withencouraging you to emulate her snarky-absurdist approach to ill-researched PR pitches.I am sure she is crying proud tears as you hoist up the standard of this fine tradition and wave it about proudly.
Carry on.
Why is your Redbook column now defunct? Did I miss something? Didn't I just read you over there earlier this week?
What Kim said. Hope you feel better soon.
Delurking to say I love reading your blog.
I love your responses! You have a better strategy than me, which is to say yes to every idea that isn't torturously bad (and sometimes say yes to those too). Which is how I found myself covering geriatric toilets, candy making, and horse veterinarians in the last month.
Maybe I'll start covering water buffalo exclusively. The horse thing might give me an in.
Homeopathic exorcism? You're going to start writing about that here soon, too, right?? Hope you feel better soon.
What is the deal with Redbook, do they think they're NBC? You're too good for them, Alice Bradley!
Why, Alice Bradley, I had NO idea nor suspicion that you were a prankster. You struck me as someone too afraid and apprehensive to do pranks, in case they're traced back to you and somehow end up involving an investigationof your parents.
As we all know, it could happen.
You surprise me, Alice.
What happened with the Redbook deal? I was actually starting to like them again b/c they hired you to write for them.
To clarify: I do write for RB, but I'm now blogging for them instead of writing the aforementioned column. Carry on!
I loved your responses. And I completely understand how Jenny could lead you astray. I used to be a nun till I read her column. (not really - but it's feasible that she could do that, huh!)
I'm curious as to the nature of water buffalo shaving accidents. Perhaps you would grace us with a timely post on that subject.
Love your blog but this time I found your replies to not be terribly funny. I fail to understand how it is cool to ridicule someone to get some laughs.
That coughing, hacking, wheezing thing had a firm grip on my household for several weeks. Not fun. I can't wait to read more about water buffalo.
Best,
Tina
Steph: ridiculing? Aw, I was just trying to have some fun! With Zoe!
I have also been hacking and wheezing for a few days, which is probably why I can't stop obsessively wondering what homeopathic exorcism would look like. Does it involve essential oils? Tell me it does.
DEM, I'm going to try it out today and let you know. I've got some lavender and bergamot, and I am ready to DO THIS.
I'm afraid I'm another one in the "kinda don't get it" camp. Your blog is awesome and I loved your column, but I don't really get why Zoe deserved to be made fun of. She's just trying to do her job, and she was perfectly nice about it.
I know Jenny's famous for this kind of stuff, and she's awesome too, but when she makes fun of a PR it's usually pretty well-deserved — people who clearly haven't read her blog and pitch really irrelevant things, or ask her to advertise for them for free, or something.
There's a lot of snark towards PRs in the "blogosphere" these days, and I'm not sure it's all justified. And I say this as a journalist who has fielded A LOT of offbeat, insulting, unprofessional and just plain strange PR emails. I didn't even publicly ridicule the one I got sent when I edited a books blog about women's fiction, asking if I'd like to review a book of paintings... by a chimpanzee. (Then again, perhaps I just don't recognise an opportunity when I see one...)
Hmm. I guess I didn't think I was making fun of her? But I can see how it comes off that way. Okay, this one's a misfire. Carry on!
Little late to the party, but I have to say your responses to Zoe were HILARIOUS. If she can't laugh at those, there's no hope for her.
Who's Jenny?
Poor Zoe. Maybe if she'd had a sense of humor in her first reply, or even in her inital email made a personal comment such as, "What you wrote about X really resonated with me" perhaps she would have come off as less clueless. I'm in sales, the ugly half sister of PR, and it's a tough business so I feel bad for Zoe. But there are ways to communicate that don't make you sound like such a ... newbie? Lacking humor? If she were actually familiar with Mrs Bradley's work, she'd try a different approach and/ or laugh along.