Toddlers talk funny, and sometimes we misunderstand them, to humorous effect.

Imagine, if you are able: Scott comes home; Henry and I are listening to music, as is our way at times (those times being when we are not making Playdoh pancakes or weeping into our fists).

Scott: What are you listening to, sport?

Henry: It’s a song about fucking.

Scott looks at me.

Me: That’s not what he’s saying! He’s obviously saying something else!

Henry (delighted): It’s about fucking! FUCKING!

Me: I know he’s saying something else! I just can’t identify what it is!

I waited for him to lie his dinosaur on top of Spider-Man and say, “Like that! Fucking!” But fortunately for me and sadly for this blog, no.

Now before I endure another onslaught of scandalized emails: PEOPLE. He was not saying that. He speaks in the charming but often baffling language of toddler-ese, where f’s become s’s and “puppies” becomes something obscene. He was probably saying “It’s a song I enjoy very fucking much.” Like that! You see!

Comments

[anne]

the mere mental picture of spiderman and a dinosaur getting it on may require a bit of therapy before i'm ready to put it behind me. although... that was pretty *fucking* funny, altogether.

[mainja]

perhaps a song about trucking? or mucking. or bucking. or tucking. or yucking. or...

ahhh, gotta love kids.

[schmutzie]

Toddlers are one of the few types of people left on the planet that can still be truly alarming when they speak.

[Summer]

I get it. My 2 year old says things that sound awful, just because he is 2 years old and cannot speak well. For instance, when he says "seat" (which for some reason he prefers to "chair") it comes out "ass". So when he says "Mama ass BIG!" he isn't disparaging my petite heinie, but instead alerting us to the fact that I sit in a grown-up-sized chair in the dining room.

When I was 2, I couldn't make the "tr-" sound, and I would replace it with "f". There exists an audiotape of my father coaching me to say "fire truck". FIRE FUCK! FIRE FUCK! FIRE FUCK! I still haven't lived that one down. In fact, I'm not sure why I just told you that.

[Elizabeth]

Okay, here's where I finally confess we actually have a VIDEO of my son shouting "dumbfuck!" over and over while he points to a dumptruck, grinning. The video was demanded by his then teenaged giggling older siblings, but it held no candle to the many times I'd be holding him, chatting with a (no doubt) elderly neighbor, and the inevitable truck would rumble by. D. would joyfully shout out: Dumbfuck! Dumb! Fuck! and I would just smile politely at the neighbor.

(aka Betsy)

[kelly]

Tyler's first sentence was *fuck it.*

Sadly, it didn't mean anything else. Bad mother, me.

[ChickenFlicken]

Ha! Your story made me remember one of my favorite moments of humiliation at the hands of my cursing child. I'm not going to waste it here, however, I'm going to go put it on my blog.

I'll give you credit for making me cringe at the memory, though. ;)

[Psycho Kitty]

Why, oh why, did it take me so long to click through to you? I could have been laughing my ass off months ago!Yeah, mine said "fuck" instead of "walk" for about 2 months. And boy, did he like to talk about walking.

[Meredith]

You most certainly deserve the HUMOROUS award. Such good stuff. I guffawed enough to cause my dog to rush to my rescue at the image of crying into our fists. Damn, I wish I could unleash the tears enough to need a container, say a fist, for them. Thanks for the good, strong giggle...

[Jen]

As we picked up my hubby from the airport once Friday, my daughter pointed at my hubby and exclaimed "Hi, My Fucker" at the top of her lungs. What she was actually saying was "Hi, my finger." She had closed the door on her hand earlier that morning, and wanted him to look at it and probably kiss it. However, my husband starting mumbling about that is why I have to watch what I say in front of our daughter since she is going to learn all the words I use. After he finished his ranting, I pointed out that her mouth was full of Elmo Fruit Snacks, and she was holding out her finger to show him her boo-boo, and she most certaintly does not consider him a fucker, but I was real close myself.

[Elaine]

Is this what I have to look forward to?

And my daughter spends an inordinate amount of time hanging out with my mom and all her Church friends...

[Kelly AKA Fat Housewife]

That is pretty funny. My son was helping us paint his room and when he spilled some he said "Oh shit" in a sad I just fucked up sorta way.We laughed on the INSIDE.

[pismire]

I like making my niece (who is 2 1/2) say fire truck because she says "fiah fuck" instead. I don't think her parents appreciate it.

[Jane]

When my niece was about two, my sister and I used to giggle at her requests for "ass cream" (ice cream).

[Liz]

Okay, this one isn't actually *cursing*, but... my husband was about four years old when he got to ride a pony at preschool. Telling his father about it later, they had this conversation: "An' the pony's name was Yucky!"

"The pony's name was YUCKY?"

"No, Dad! Not Yucky! YUCKY!"

"Yucky?"

"NO! YUCKY!"

Repeat ad nauseum. Luckily for me, sometime before my husband entered first grade, his father finally figured out that the pony's name was LUCKY.

[LOD]

There's a missing element here. What was the song?

Because if it was "Gett Off," the kid's got a point.

[alice]

I will never tell what the song was. NEVER.

[alice, uptown]

You may have to learn how to say "holy moly" in lieu of your expletives of choice so that Henry doesn't go to nursery school and tell his teacher, "fuck the horse you rode in on," and so forth. Meanwhile, Henry's exploits are getting more and more entertaining. I'm laughing a lot.

[Tracy]

OK, I'll chime in:

1. When my daughter was 18 months old, when she said "juice" and "shoes", they both sounded the same. I'll never forget how she gave me this horrible, frustrated, "you dumbshit" look when I kept trying to show give her shoes when she just wanted to drink some juice.

2. I became very frazzled at the grocery store once when the car seat had inexpicably broken and I had to get our 2-year old home. I called my husband on the cell phone and was wailing -- he said, "just drive slowly". So, I get home and when I get in the house, the first thing out of my daughter's mouth was, "Daddy, the fucking car seat is broken." My bad.

[Allison]

I can't resist putting in my stepson's most famous misunderstood word. James likes Thomas the Tank engine. When I say like I am really not doing it justice the kid LOVES Thomas. But he also likes Percy, Thomas' friend. And really up until now, when he's just turned 4 he couldn't quite get that "r" in there. So it was Pussy. In fact it has been Pussy for 2 years. If you are familar with some of the Thomas videos, this translated to such fun as "Dirty Pussy," and "Chocolate Covered Pussy" - which were our two favorites. Hurray for media saturation at an early age!

[chrislovespugs]

I'm a teacher, and in my first year of teaching 6-7 year olds, I was merrily going along with a phonics activity.

It goes like this: You have two sets of cards, one with beginning sounds and one with ending sounds. You can mix and match them in a variety of ways, but I was keeping the end sound the same, while flipping over the beginning sounds. Sometimes the two sounds make 'real' words, sometimes they are 'made-up' words, the point is that they are able to 'read' the words phonetically, with speed and accuracy.

I was doing the 'it' ending. Unfortunately, as I was a young and inexperienced, (stupid!), teacher, I had the cards in front of me so I COULD NOT see them, but the class could.

Can you predict the ending...?

p-itm-itch-itth-itf-itsh-it

The whole class cracked up laughing and I went crying to my supervisor that I had just made the WHOLE CLASS SAY SHIT!

I was, however, relieved we weren't doing the 'uck' ending!

[Gen]

My 3-yo son was fond of saying "blow me" for a while. He meant "blow ON me," so that I would blow air in his face to tickle him. It's hard to keep a straight face sometimes!

[Pharmgirl]

Loved the blog, but Jen's comment just made me cry until I hurt for about five minutes. Thanks...I needed that! Whew!

[Speech Pathologist]

I popped in here b/c I love humor. Wish I didn't need to post this anon: All these good people here who ask you to stay and ignore the jerks are RIGHT. Take a break if you need, too, but please don't leave. I have credentails that don't make me better than anyone, but I sure wish I could use them in blogland to oust the FILTH those imbeciles must have hurt you with. I'm a SPEECH LANGUAGE PATHOLOGIST and an AUDIOLOGIST. EVERYTHING you or other parents/people say lovingly about children is TRUE and NORMAL! I could "articulate" far more outrage at what those deleted comments must have done. For now: ((((HUGS)))). I 'm new here, but I want to come back and see more of your INGENIOUS WRITING. :)

[Lou]

I am laughing my head off reading these comments!My ds keeps saying what sounds an awful lot like SHIT!I keep telling myself it isn't that. . .but perhaps Mommy has slipped one time to many? Or maybe he picked it up from the Back to the Future trilogy he is so enamoured with? anyway- I understand what you are going through - thanks for letting me laugh about it!