Want to hear something funny?

I actually thought I was being hilarious, with that last entry. I thought that was a return to form. Hilarity was mine again! I'm back, baby! So imagine my surprise when the comments were in the "oh, honey" and "I am inappropriately hugging you in my mind" vein.  I then read the post again, and, huh, well, yeah. I guess all that talk of doldrums and not being able to dress myself appropriately said more than I meant it to. Now I feel a little silly. Silly, and odd.

To those of you who are worried that I need to seek professional help, please be assured that I have an entire army of professional helpers at my beck and call.  I seek the counsel of mental health-keepers  more than I talk to my friends these days. And oh, I wish I were exaggerating.

I went to see one of them today, one of those medication-prescribing  types, who declared that I am more depressed than I think I am, and menacingly waved her prescription pad at me. She, like the Internet, refused to be dazzled by my hot jokes and my jazz hands. Instead she wanted to know if I've been sleeping and eating, or just entertaining thoughts of suicide. Oh, therapist!  Who has the energy for suicide?  All I ask is to sleep for six months or twelve years or so. Is that so crazy? 

I actually don't think I'm doing all that badly, for the most part, except when I'm doing so badly I can barely breathe. I can engage in chit-chat, and play with Henry. I can go to the store, and do store things! I go about my day and no one is the wiser. There's just this niggling pain roaming about my insides, is all, and at intervals that pain will reach an intolerable level, whereupon I retreat to the bathroom and cry for a little while, or else a long while. But usually the former. These crying retreats have become less frequent, so that's encouraging. Right?

Meanwhile, my professional helpers are telling me that my grief is "normal" but also that I'm depressed. I can't quite wrap my mind around this, because as we know depression is abnormal,  and if this is normal, than it can't be depression. That's logic! Then again, I seem to be unable to think clearly, so maybe there's something I'm not getting or something they said that I forgot to listen to. Next time I should take notes. Or bring a translator. Or just stay home and mail them checks. 

I don't think I'm depressed as much as I am emotionally unmoored. Is there a prescription to help that? I don't know what to do, or what I'm supposed to feel, or how I'm supposed to… hmm. I can't remember how I was going to finish that sentence. I'm a solution-minded kind of person, ready to read the book or take the course or do the work that will make things better, and there's no solution for this. And I'm more than a little dissatisfied with this state of affairs.

Comments

[HeyJoe]

Dearest Alice,

The solution is time and acceptance. Laughter and tequila also. And keeping busy and eating. All good things.

Nigglingly,Joe

[Lacey]

Amazing that you can write so well while being so sad. Your last post was actually very funny. Sad-funny, but still funny.

I'm getting a lot of comfort from your blog seeing as I'm going through something similar (a miscarriage) only I'm too insanely busy to even deal with my grief or even really think about it much except at wildly inapproriate moments like when people I barely know ask me how I'm doing and I start crying. Or maybe when I write really long comments on people's blogs who I've never even met.

That was supposed to be sad-funny too but now I'm wondering if just comes off crazy.

Anyhow. Take care of yourself and do the things your army of professional helpers suggest.

[Robin]

I like professional help just as much as the next person, but I find that perhaps I am a little too self-sufficient and perhaps introspective to get much out of it. I find myself providing brilliant insights into my (or my child's) psyche, and then thinking to myself, "I should be in the other chair, self!" Being sad in your circumstances seems normal. If it drags on unabated for months, then perhaps you're getting mired in Depression Land. Sounds to me like you are slowly but surely on the mend though. You seem like you have great family and friends to support you, so I don't see you as the getting-mired type.

[Robin]

Having just started out of the cloud of grief-induced depression myself, I only have the most trite and unhelpful cliches: Time heals all wounds. But the most important one is: That which does not kill you makes you stronger.

Now having said that, remember that you are grieving. Be nice to yourself and even a bit indulgent. It helps get though each day.

[Yolanda]

"Emotionally unmoored." That's exactly how I feel. How I have felt. For ten months. I thought the last post was very funny, but then all the comments made me feel like I wasn't getting it. I'm so full of grief I think other people's grief is charming. Comfortable. I can't bring myself to write a single sentence on my blog these days. Too much effort. I'm too tired. My womb is too empty. And I can't imagine not feeling this way forever.

[Superfantastic]

I actually said recently that I was feeling untethered. That didn't seem to make much sense to anyone but me, but now you say you are emotionally unmoored and I say, "I hear that." And I too have found the bathroom crying episodes to be decreasing, which is especially nice since mine are happening in a work bathroom stall. Maybe there is something to this whole "it takes time" thing that everyone has been repeating at me. Then again, everyone told me to eat ice cream too and now I'm still sad and my pants don't fit.

[Julie]

See Alice I felt the same way and felt like I was being over dramatic..people kept acting like I was being the biggest drama queen-I could see it on their faces. This will probably sound so pathetic but its now been 2 YEARS (!) since I lost my baby but I can *finally* say to someone 'I miscarried' or 'no, Josh is my only child' without bawling my eyes out. It takes a long time, just focus on the happiness and take it one day at a time. I really do understand.

[raych]

Ok, now everyone's going to tell you how HILARIOUS you actually WERE being in the last post, because you were and I'm sure we all sighed a tiny sigh as if to say, At least she didn't break her funny bone, and then boxed our own ears for our terrible jokes.

HowEVER, HOW in the world are we supposed to be all, Har har, you had a miscarriage, aren't you a riot? I mean, what if you WEREN'T trying to be funny, and we've just got an overly-developed sense of the absurd? Wouldn't we feel like heels, then. What if you were so offended that you went away and never came back? Ah, the fears that lurk in the heart of man.

And I'm no brain doctor, but I think the way you're supposed to feel is 'bad' and occasionally, 'surviving.' Good luck with that.

[junewell]

I'm no clinician, but I think "emotionally unmoored" and "depressed" might at the very least be kissing cousins.

Many good thoughts to you and yours. Feel better soon.

[Trish]

Oh, Alice hon,

I'll speak to the depression part of your post (although I went through a miscarriage a few years ago - isn't it odd, when you go through one you discover the dirty little secret, that many many many women have been through it too). I've been suffering from depression for a long time, years probably, and recently started getting help for it (it took a trip to the emergency room after an "incident" a few weeks ago, to finally get some professional help).

Your sentence above, where you say, "I actually don't think I'm doing all that badly, for the most part, except when I'm doing so badly I can barely breathe," totally speaks to what I'm going through. Except that I started getting more moments when I could barely breathe, and less where I thought I wasn't doing that badly (ergo, the "incident"). All I can say is, keep going to the professionals - they will help you, even when it feels like they're not really helping much. Good luck, sweetie, and please keep posting so we know you're doing ok (even though sometimes you're not really, but at least we can be there for you).

[Cathy]

I don't know if it will help, but please visit www.glowinthewoods.com to see if there is anything to comfort you. It is a website written by five incredible mothers of lost babies.

[stepfordnot]

You need to give yourself time to rest and emotionally and physically heal from this situation. An old therapist of mine once told me to treat depression the same way you would treat a flu. You need to get lots of sleep, read lots of trashy books, and eat what makes you feel good (hell, you're already wearing the sweatpants, no need to worry about a few extra pounds right now).And, best not to think too hard about whether or not this is a "depression." You are going through a well-deserved blue funk period. Don't make it more agonizing than it needs to be. Eat lots of ice cream, watch funny movies, or sad movies if it helps to make yourself cry.

Hang in there. This will pass.

[Stewbie]

I'm pretty sure that you're ALLOWED to be depressed/saddened for a little bit. Cripes. It almost seems like psycs have a monthly quota they need to meet when it comes to prescribing meds. Are you supposed to get over this loss right away and have a party? Beat down a pinata? I think not. But if you'd like to, you have my web address...

[Jennifer (Et Tu?)]

"I don't think I'm depressed as much as I am emotionally unmoored. Is there a prescription to help that?"

Other than a stiff gin and tonic (or five), I'm not sure that there is.

I would take this opportunity to write something like "(((HUGS)))" but since I am actually as socially awkward online as I am in real life (behold: I just found out that I am the #1 Google result for "socially awkward person" -- #1!), I'll just leave it at this: hang in there. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

[allison]

I have been where you find yourself now...twice. I believe that what makes miscarriage so much harder in today's society is that babies are not valued as they should be. You didn't lose a glob of matter. You lost a person. YOUR person, and that is so sad to our mother hearts. Don't feel bad or weird about your grief. It means you loved.

[sizzle]

I don't think I commented on the last post though I read it. I didn't think you were off the deep end. You are processing a tremendous loss. Besides, there is no "normal" to grief. We all have to find our own way.

You will find yours.

[The Window Seat]

Whenever I'm struggling with things, it helps me to surround myself with funny people and tell them to say funny things.

My fiance always says: purple balls.

Something about that phrase just cracks me up. Hope it worked for you!

[witchypoo]

Intellectually, the post was full of the funny, but I think the sad shone through pretty clear.

[kristi]

The solution is: . As you well know. Let yourself be sad and don't feel sad about that. You will eventually feel it less overwhelming, but sometimes, even years later, you will retreat to the bathroom and cry. Excuse me, I have to go retreat to the bathroom and cry...

Best wishes.

[slouching mom]

What's normal? What's abnormal? I wouldn't judge yourself according to standards that are, at best, imprecise.

If you WEREN'T depressed right now, I'd be surprised. Situational depression is the mind's and body's response to loss. I'd argue that it's a necessary response. Except when it takes a life of its own and doesn't remit (or gets worse) after several weeks.

15-20% of people will become depressed at some point in their lives. That's a whole lot of people.

Thinking about you. Be kind to yourself.

[kristi]

The solution is: . As you well know. Let yourself be sad and don't feel sad about that. You will eventually feel it less overwhelming, but sometimes, even years later, you will retreat to the bathroom and cry. Excuse me, I have to go retreat to the bathroom and cry...

Best wishes.

[Kate]

"Oh, therapist! Who has the energy for suicide? All I ask is to sleep for six months or twelve years or so. Is that so crazy?"



Yeah, yeah, that sounds familiar. Too tired to think about death, thank you. Can we please watch Pride and Prejudice for the eleventy-millionth time instead? The five-hour long one? I can work up energy for making popcorn, but not washing dishes.

[Brooke]

Pff! Depression is as normal as oatmeal, as overgrown grass in the summertime. Who said we had to be happy all the time? Fucking America. You really should have been born European, where people aren't raised with the expectation - the entitlement - that they can achieve perfection.

You're blue? I heart you, and I hope you are un-blue again soon. Maybe ship that kid off to the inlaws' place and spend a couple days sleeping with abandon.

[Julie @ Letter9]

Alice, I like that description: emotionally unmoored. What a great way to put it. I also loved this line: "Or just stay home and mail them checks" because I totally get that feeling of just thinking "you are not helping me because I cannot see something measurable." Anyway, I keep trying to think of something either funny or poignant and smart to say but all I can think to do instead is quote you and go, "Yeah. What you said."

I'll try harder next time.

[Mrs. Kennedy]

Purple balls!