What exercise has done for me
January 25, 2011I've never been an athlete. Anyone who's known me for any length of time is well aware of this. Growing up, I never participated in sports of any kind. Somehow I got branded as unathletic, and I leaned into it. I pretty much gave up on my body's abilities to do anything beyond the basic functions needed to get through the day.
Actually, that's not true--I did have some athletic abilities, however small. My brother James taught me to pitch, and I'd pitch Wiffleballs to him until Mom demanded we come inside, until the light was gone. I probably continued to pitch well after he had left, and I was just hucking balls into the shrubbery. Plus I had always loved to dance. And I would run, of course; I'd chase boys or have boys chase me and actually those were the only two times I really ran all that hard. (I was often engaged in some kind of boy/me chase, up until it became weirdly thrilling, in a different, more confusing way.)
I've been thinking a lot lately about how I felt about exercise, growing up, and even into my adulthood, because now that I've taken up regular exercise I'm kind of floored at how much it's changed me. I don't mean physically, although that part is nice. I mean emotionally, mentally--it's changed me. I'm different now. How I'm different is hard to explain. Oh, but I'm going to try.
One night, my junior year of college, I caught my boyfriend looking at me strangely. We were on our way to a formal, so naturally I thought he was admiring my dress, or how my butt looked in my dress. "What?" I asked him, and he said, "I never noticed before: it's like you have two different bodies. From the waist up you're so tiny, but from the waist down you're much bigger. I guess your Irish genes took over the top half, but your bottom half is all Italian."
Well.
Instead of immediately dumping him, I turned away so that he wouldn't see that my face had turned dark red, changed the subject, and then dated him for another eighteen months. At which point (when I did finally dump him) he went insane and threatened to kill me, or himself, or kill himself in front of me--he couldn't choose which!--and then systematically destroyed every aspect of my senior year of college. But that's another story.
Let's go back to that moment, the moment my boyfriend sliced me in half, because it was at that precise instant that I went from feeling fairly content with my figure to feeling betrayed and humiliated, not by him, but by my own body. I was all wrong. I wasn't just heavy, or skinny--I was an entirely new, and awful, category.
I can't fully blame my boyfriend, as much of a jerk as he was. The seeds had been sown, long ago--by my lack of confidence in re: moving through space; by watching my mother and sister embark on one fad diet after another; hell, just by being female in this fucked-up culture, I was vulnerable to attack.
But still, even if he didn't plant the bomb, he found the trigger. I could never look at a picture of myself after that without feeling like I was looking at a Cubist painting. I didn't make sense to me. Surely everyone could see what a horrible, embarrassing creature I was. After a while I couldn't even identify what parts were so offensive--I was just hopelessly ugly, somehow. So I hid from cameras, and wore shoulder pads to even out my proportions, and dated anyone who told me I was pretty. Problem solved!
Fast forward to the present: I'm no longer wearing shoulder pads, I think I look pretty good most of the time, and my husband thinks I look good all of the time, so I'm already way ahead. I wrote a while back about how I started exercising pretty seriously, but actually I was still half-assed about it, if I'm going to be honest. I mean, I work from home, three blocks from the gym; I have zero excuse not to go every day.
So, a couple of months ago, that's what I started doing.
Well, almost every day. Six days out of the week, I'm there. I run, or I lift weights. I enjoy it, kind of a lot, which shocks me more than I can say. But here's what I want to tell you, finally: every time I go, every time, my body makes a little more sense to me. It's like exercise is reorganizing the image I have of myself, shuffling things around into a more accurate picture. Exercise is why, when I went to the doctor last week for the flu and learned that I had gained an unseemly number of pounds, I thought, "Okay, time to lay off the cheese and cookies every day," and didn't hyperventilate out of fear and shame. Because this is my body, and it works, and I prove that to myself, every day.
Exercise has taught me what my body is, what it can do, and where anyone who tells me it's not good enough can go.
Reader Comments (60)
I'm happy you wrote this. I'm just now where you probably were a year ago--finally getting over my fear of exercise. I hope I am able to become friends with my body, too.
I started running one day. Now I am going to run a full marathon (26.2 miles) for my 40th birthday. I have done triathlons, half marathons...things I NEVER would imagine I could do. It's a very powerful feeling.
Alice, this is brilliant. Thank you for writing what I haven't been able to say. I've been exericsing on and off for three years, circuit training and kettlebell sport, and like you kind of half-assed it for a time. Then I had a baby, then I recovered from having a baby, then I got an injury that I let scare me away from fitness for another four months, blah blah blah.
Anyway, point being, I rededicated myself to fitness at the end of November. And since then I've worked out 4-5 days a week, every week. And I feel great. Really awesome and good. That bit you said about my body making more sense is so true! And resonates so strongly with me.
I'm also Irish-Italian, and have often thought (and said) disparaging things about my bottom heavy figure. But you know what? I'm strong, like really, really strong. And for the first time in a very long time, I don't hate myself when I look in the mirror or see my photograph. It's amazing, what fitness can do for a person!
I could go on forever, but what I really just wanted to say was thank you, because what you've written is so true and so right on, and blah blah blah. Keep going Alice, you're doing great (also, gaining weight isn't unusual when you're working out-- muscle is heavier than fat, so double triple don't worry about it, it's just a number).
good for you
I love this post. I just found your blog, and I am really happy that I did! I too am extremely pear-shaped, little on top and a great big rear. I think it comes from my latino roots. Anyway, before I had a child I exercised almost every day, sometimes twice a day. Now that I have a little one I just don't have the time that I used to for the gym and running and frankly it definitely shows on my body. That being said, I am still half-assed training for a half marathon. The poing of this comment is to say that even though I don't have a perfect body, I know I am strong because I can run for a really long time and I find that powerful. Do I wish I had a better body, yes? But when I go out for a long run, I really don't care that my body is not perfect because I know I am tough. Exercise can be very empowering for women, whatever exercise you find that you enjoy. Exercise is good for the heart and soul and something that everyone really should do.
What I really love about hitting the gym is the mental clarity it gives me. I can just lose myself in the movement and really let go of stressful thoughts that cloud my mind. Having a healthier heart and body is a bonus but shedding stress at the gym is what keeps me going back.
I'm so happy for you that you've found your inner athlete. :)
I agree that exercise does a lot for my mental well-being, although I have stupidly pursued sports where I am constantly comparing myself to others who are far, far better (cycling, running) and so more often than not I don't feel strong. But I do love that endorphin kick, o yes I do!
Mostly though I wanted to remind you that building muscle will make you weigh more. After i started cycling a lot a few years ago, I shed a few pounds, but not much, but everyone commented on how much thinner I looked, and I definitely went down a size or 2 while the scale remained the same. So maybe you don't need to lay off the cookies, wouldn't that be awesome!
Thanks so much for writing about this! I spent all of my school years convinced that I was athletically inept. I depised ball sports (balls are magnetically attracted to my face) and my extreme shyness overshadowed any shred of athletic aggression. Gym class bascially conditioned me to hate physical activity of any kind, as it was all cenetered around the playing of SPORTS! and the correct form while throwing a BALL! Gag.
Imagine my surprise,when I got to college and decided to try a yoga class. Then a spin class. Pilates, step, water aerobics...I was hooked. Discovering the joy of sweating as an individual changed my life. Now I look forward to an intense yoga class or a private pilates session like a kid on Christmas Eve! Turns out I just needed to move my body for me. Who knew? (Team sports can still suck it. Namaste.)
I wish exercise made me feel good. I wish I could feel empowered and awesome after a work out. Instead, it makes me feel like crap. It makes me crawl into bed and sleep for 12 hours. It sends me to the doctor, because I have somehow managed to strain/hurt/break something after minimal exertion. I am happy that exercise helps you and just about everyone else, but for me (and I suspect I'm not alone) it sucks beyond belief.
I've also gotten fairly seriously into working out over the past year and a half or so after a lifetime of being a nonathlete. I'm still entirely uncoordinated, but I can run and do yoga. And yes, it's not so much about how my body looks now (though it looks better) but about knowing what it can do. I trust my body more and respect it (donuts aside) and feel more connected to it. Which sounds ridiculous, what with having been living in my body all of these years, but it sort of feels like we're on the same team now and sometimes we were enemies before. All of that to say: YES. What you said.
I used to be fairly active. Then a series of--largely positive but huge--life changes (marriage, moving, new job, babies, 40s) led to a decline in my activity level and increase in my weight. Before I knew it I was in a place I didn't like at all--45 pounds overweight and stiff and sore a lot of the time.
Last year I took up jogging; I don't call it running because I go slow most of the time. And strangely, unlike every other time I'm tried running throughout my life, I grew to like it. Now I can't go more than a day without doing it. My theory (backed up by excessive reading of the New York Times Health section) is that the human body was made to move. Even my body. And life is so much better now that I feed myself not just food but activity.
Terrific post! I was going through a really hard time a couple of years ago and found exercise was the thing that complete reinvented my self esteem. I found that I didn't have to coddle my body or baby it but in fact, I should push it hard!
I tell people that the gym is my church because it is those times running on the treadmill sweating that I feel close to God and closest to myself.
So awesome!
Check out related post, here: http://www.alreadypretty.com/2011/01/the-things-people-say.html#comments
Like you, I decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadow... wait... that's a Whitney Houston song. Scratch that! But I do hate that there are times in our lives where we value other's view of ourselves more than we value our own. For some it only lasts a short while. Others it lasts a lifetime. At least you have taken a stand on it. And nothing but good can come of that. I'm glad you removed the bomb or at least hid the trigger better. And I really hope your college "friend" got help for his issues as well. (Even though, what he said would have been a compliment in the neighborhood I grew up in. But that's beside the point. It wasn't a compliment to you and that what's counts.) So good luck with your body changing journey. And if you fail or if you succeed, at least you lived as you believe. (I really hope Whitney is not reading this!)
Great lessons learned about body image and health. I'm working my way through that mentally this year. I put the scale away, am trying to just eat what sounds good (including veggies), and trying to run the 5K...not to hit a number on the scale, but to feel empowered and healthy and ok with myself.
All through college and working... my top was a size 4/6 and my bottom a 6/8 - I could never buy power suits unless they were separates. I have had major issues with my bottom half..like, forever. Until... after babies, everything is finally, seemingly, fitting together. And... for the first time in my life I am actually, regularly exercising. That young thing I was had it so easy - never exercising and eating anything. Wish I could go back and tell her she was perfect the way she was, and be more carefree.
Thank you so much for sharing your story - love how we don't have to feel alone in our past, present and future via the blogworld.
Cheers!
Yes, to the wonders of exercise. I have never been athletic either BUT I have always been good at exercising. It is the one physical thing I can do, and makes me proud of who I am: A dedicated daily exerciser.
I love that you have discovered this, and how good it makes you feel.
This response is for Gillian and any others who are not feeling so good about themselves amidst the "exercise is great" crowd.
Let me say first - awesome post, particularly about the journey through self-image. I love Alice, as usual.
Let me say second - I too have had the "hate exercise but damn, I actually do feel better when I do it" experience in much of my previous life.
BUT - and it's a big but (no pun intended) - two years ago I developed what was finally officially diagnosed as "chronic fatigue syndrome" also known as "chronic fatigue and immune dysfunction syndrome." I experience chronic, debilitating fatigue which is not relieved by rest, as well as several other symptoms that bore even me to hear about. Net result is that most days I function at about 10% of my previous capacity, so doing a couple of loads of laundry or going to a doctor’s appointment or for a walk may pretty much do me in on any given day. What is important to know about it is that in many cases, exercise can make it WORSE. Energy for me is like a bank account with a very low balance; if I use up that balance (say, for example, cooking supper one night) then I have to wait, sometimes for 24 to 48 hours, for that little expenditure to be replaced with new dollars. And if I stubbornly insist that I'm also going to take my dog for a walk, because, well, exercise is healthy, then I overdraw the account. Sometimes badly.
And believe me when I tell you, that it is incredibly, incredibly hard to convince some folks of that. They truly believe that if I would just "work out" I would feel better, and that my problem is just lack of motivation. It is not.
You can find more information about it at this website: http://www.cdc.gov/cfs/general/index.html
Sorry if this sounds like "All About Me", but I just want people like Gillian to realise there may be a deeper issue here that should be explored.
And Alice? I'm so, so glad that exercise works for you and that you can appreciate yourself the way we fangirls appreciate you. You rock!
*soapbox off*
I love me some exercise. I didn't. Not always. I sat out all four years in high school. I got a letter from my doctor. Bah. Stupid doctor.
Isn't it amazing what ex-BFs can do to us even years later? One of my exes told a friend that I was mushy. MUSHY! I was all of 121 pounds at 5'8"! My skin wasn't tight! HA! I never forgot that. And now I'm friends with him on Facebook, BTW. He married a stick-figure woman. Not that being a stick figure woman is a bad thing, but now I understand why I seemed mushy to him!
Thanks for the post, and keep on exercising!
Yes, exercise! I've always been an active one because it just feels. so. good. I think it is so so important that girls (in particular) understand what their bodies are capable of, and how much they can control them and challenge them and strengthen them and, ultimately, love them. I don't require either of my kids (one boy, one girl) to play any particular sport or to compete on a team, but my hubby and I do require each to engage in some sort of physical activity of their choosing until so long as they live under our roof. One must develop both mind and body. Good for you!
I failed gym in high school and two years ago discovered I like running. Now I'm starting to love running. It's a weird collision of what I thought I was like and what I actually like. For me, it's not about my weight or even how my clothes are starting to feel on me, but how I feel great after exercising and the accomplishment in knowing I can run 5 miles without stopping (slowly, but without stopping). I'm training for my first half marathon in my hometown this spring... wondering if my high school gym teacher will be there and if she knows that I'm doing it for myself and not a grade or her expectations.
Alice - you totally get it. I'm a single girl in my late 20s and my whole life up until freshman year of college I was a fat girl. Read: clinically obese. In college I lost all the weight by eating nothing and working out twice a day. Since then, I've gained a few but I've also worked through my body issues. I worki out 5-6 times/week and eat everything I enjoy. I would definitely like to lose a few pounds, but I love my body and how it works.
THEN: Last weekend I was celebrating a friend's birthday at a bar when I accidentally bumped into a guy. Which led into an argument. Which led into the unforgivable. "You're just a fat Asian girl" he said slowly to my face when I wouldn't back down. He turned around, and walked away. In that instant, I was confused, shocked, angry, and shattered (all those margaritas didn't help either). In the next moment, I was running out the bar, sobbing and hysterical. What was he talking about?! What fat girl?! ME?! It was only the next day when I had gathered my wits that I realized that he had said it to take back the power I had when I didn't back down. I didn't think I was fat, and it didn't matter to me if anyone else thought so. Years ago, this would have sent me spiraling into an eating disorder, but a week after the "incident", I'm still excercising my regular routine, and eating way too much cheese, and I still love my body. I'm completely ok. Look how far we've come, Alice! Yay us!
Er.
My favorite cheese is 2+ year aged gouda. I have been reading since, oh, near the beginning. Can't remember how or why. Pretty sure I've never commented. HUGE DELURK. Not that I meant to be hiding, though.
I associate exercise almost entirely with my constant battle with my weight, so it means minutes logged on various equipment and the calories I expend. I've done two things that have made me feel strong and capable and good in my skin regardless, and those are kickboxing and yoga. I started a 40-day yoga challenge at a local studio in January, and it was just what I needed to counterbalance my usual "lose xx pounds" resolution, and made this worst part of winter somewhat physically and mentally bearable. And what do you know? I've lost a little weight.
I have a facial scar. My ex-boyfriend told me that he had to decide whether he could tolerate my "asymmetry" in order to date me. It's stuck with me longer than most criticisms, for some reason, and after 30 years of those it wasn't like I needed someone who was supposed to love me to really drive my flaws home, you know? It's a constant daily undoing of negative messages and tapes, and although it's a pain in the ass to have to do it, it's getting better with time. On some level I know that I'm kinder to myself than I've ever been, because I finally really want to be.
Wow, what a timely post for me. I was at the hospital watching my 98 yr old grandfather doing exercises, and thought "I take my body for granted. I need to stop". I don't exercise. The desire is there, but the will power, unfortunately is not. I need someone to kick my ass in gear. My grandpa probably could do it.